Reprob8
Jul 24, 2006, 7:26 PM
It was January 20, 1977 the day Jimmy Carter was inaugurated and after watching the event on TV in the auditorium school let out and I started out for home. I was walking down the sidewalk next to a wooded area when this older kid asked me if I wanted a blow job and not knowing what this was I asked how much money and what did I have to do and I remember him describing the act and getting scared, I ran as fast as I could for about two blocks but then I felt a curiosity and excitement about it and almost turned around. The previous year a friend of ours a couple years older told me how to perform oral sex on her so I was already sexually aware and susceptible to sexual stimulus.
I have been sexually active and have had monogamous and heterosexual relations since the age of 12-15 with a girlfriend and with my wife from 18 until present with a few short relationships in between but I always felt drawn to men as well as women from my earliest sexual memories.
My mother’s circle of friends included many gay people and I often felt the urge to sneak over to different peoples houses but never had the courage and at 16-17 yrs old while living with my dad we had a gay couple living next store and it was a constant battle with temptation not to sneak over there. My father is the most homophobic and racist person I know and I was horrified by what would have happened if he caught me or even knew of the internal battle I was facing.
I had friends that I was attracted to throughout my adolescent years and beyond who I had to be on guard with, if they leaned over, or brushed against me I would feel the urge to reach out to them or kiss them. I was always a very emotional person, I would get choked up and teary eyed or embarrassed over the littlest things and sometimes received responses from uncles or family friends such as “what is wrong with you, are you a wimp” and even had my sexuality questioned in derogatory ways by the people I depended on for support. I had absolutely no support and felt that I had to prove my worth by having sex with girls and flaunt it when I did and when my mother made the response that “at least we know he likes girls” the guilt and turmoil became almost unbearable.
My entire Navy career was spent avoiding my sexuality, I would have to prepare myself mentally to enter the shower or living spaces to avoid an erection and arousal while seeing others going about there business. I found myself joining in anti-gay and racial language to prove I was one of the guys and my whole world view shifted to help me hide my sexuality from everyone including myself and I lived this way for several years unless something strong stimulated me.
After leaving the Navy I moved across country and met a new circle of friends and my mother’s new husband and family, I let my hair grow out and my hair was very long, curly and blonde. My stepbrothers, both very good looking men but both truck drivers and rednecks (I love them like brothers but can never tell them, they would not understand) started teasing me by walking up behind me and running there hands through my hair and telling me how pretty my hair was, I had no idea how to react so chose not to react at all. I think my mom and some of the others realized that something was amiss but nobody has confronted me about it, however they distance themselves from me. I am still considered one of the guys but they avoid personal contact. I reacted the same way to women doing that as well as men, I always found it sensual.
I started having dreams about having sex with a friend of mine, I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a minute I would be convinced that my wife knew what I was guilty of, the next day when I would see the friend I would feel extreme guilt and embarrassment and some sexual excitement even though he is not really my type, I think my subconscious picked a “safe” person I could not act out with. The attraction to men has not increased so much as became more obvious and accepted to me. I work with a man I find extremely attractive and when he accidentally invades my personal space I have to move away. He is most decidedly heterosexual and these situations are my issue not him trying to send a message.
I have two wonderful friends who happen to be a lesbian couple, I told them most of this yesterday and they were tremendously supportive. Seems ironic that as a bisexual man the only people I feel comfortable talking to about this is strangers, my wife and a lesbian couple, straight men or women would not understand, I am intimidated by gay men because I am afraid they will want something, and I am afraid that they may not. My best non romantic relationships have always been with lesbian or bi women.
I can think of no reason to subject you good people to this but I need to get it off my chest, I am somewhat euphoric and liberated to finally acknowledge who I am. I still get that sensation in my gut that causes me to hold my breath and I get teary eyed when my wife gives me that empathetic look. I am the luckiest man in the world but it took me 38 years to realize it.
I have been sexually active and have had monogamous and heterosexual relations since the age of 12-15 with a girlfriend and with my wife from 18 until present with a few short relationships in between but I always felt drawn to men as well as women from my earliest sexual memories.
My mother’s circle of friends included many gay people and I often felt the urge to sneak over to different peoples houses but never had the courage and at 16-17 yrs old while living with my dad we had a gay couple living next store and it was a constant battle with temptation not to sneak over there. My father is the most homophobic and racist person I know and I was horrified by what would have happened if he caught me or even knew of the internal battle I was facing.
I had friends that I was attracted to throughout my adolescent years and beyond who I had to be on guard with, if they leaned over, or brushed against me I would feel the urge to reach out to them or kiss them. I was always a very emotional person, I would get choked up and teary eyed or embarrassed over the littlest things and sometimes received responses from uncles or family friends such as “what is wrong with you, are you a wimp” and even had my sexuality questioned in derogatory ways by the people I depended on for support. I had absolutely no support and felt that I had to prove my worth by having sex with girls and flaunt it when I did and when my mother made the response that “at least we know he likes girls” the guilt and turmoil became almost unbearable.
My entire Navy career was spent avoiding my sexuality, I would have to prepare myself mentally to enter the shower or living spaces to avoid an erection and arousal while seeing others going about there business. I found myself joining in anti-gay and racial language to prove I was one of the guys and my whole world view shifted to help me hide my sexuality from everyone including myself and I lived this way for several years unless something strong stimulated me.
After leaving the Navy I moved across country and met a new circle of friends and my mother’s new husband and family, I let my hair grow out and my hair was very long, curly and blonde. My stepbrothers, both very good looking men but both truck drivers and rednecks (I love them like brothers but can never tell them, they would not understand) started teasing me by walking up behind me and running there hands through my hair and telling me how pretty my hair was, I had no idea how to react so chose not to react at all. I think my mom and some of the others realized that something was amiss but nobody has confronted me about it, however they distance themselves from me. I am still considered one of the guys but they avoid personal contact. I reacted the same way to women doing that as well as men, I always found it sensual.
I started having dreams about having sex with a friend of mine, I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a minute I would be convinced that my wife knew what I was guilty of, the next day when I would see the friend I would feel extreme guilt and embarrassment and some sexual excitement even though he is not really my type, I think my subconscious picked a “safe” person I could not act out with. The attraction to men has not increased so much as became more obvious and accepted to me. I work with a man I find extremely attractive and when he accidentally invades my personal space I have to move away. He is most decidedly heterosexual and these situations are my issue not him trying to send a message.
I have two wonderful friends who happen to be a lesbian couple, I told them most of this yesterday and they were tremendously supportive. Seems ironic that as a bisexual man the only people I feel comfortable talking to about this is strangers, my wife and a lesbian couple, straight men or women would not understand, I am intimidated by gay men because I am afraid they will want something, and I am afraid that they may not. My best non romantic relationships have always been with lesbian or bi women.
I can think of no reason to subject you good people to this but I need to get it off my chest, I am somewhat euphoric and liberated to finally acknowledge who I am. I still get that sensation in my gut that causes me to hold my breath and I get teary eyed when my wife gives me that empathetic look. I am the luckiest man in the world but it took me 38 years to realize it.