Bisexual man in a straight relationship - how do you do it?

[desertstorm]

Hi, i'm 33 years old and new here, but hopefully I will find some answers to questions which bother me for over half of my life.


I am bi man of course, mostly straight. Which in my case means that I do like sex with women and men equally, but I could only date and live with woman in terms of romantic relationship. Honestly, in men sexuality I find only the penis interesting, and the fact of being submissive while doing it. I had lots of gay sex partners, most of them one-night-stand and very random one. I had also couple of straight serious relationships, you know.. true love, romantic feeling, great sex etc, but I lasted maximum a year in such a state. Each time I either cheated my girlfriend with a guy or had sex with a guy right after we broke up. But this info might be irrelevant in this case as I am having overall commitment issues so it could be simply a way to escape from "serious" relationship.


Anyway.. I'd like to finally be brave and create a healthy relationship with a woman, but my biggest fear are sex issues. I want to be faithful, but how is it possible for a bi to stay in a straight (or gay) relationship? How do you do it? How to explain it to myself?


I'm afraid that I will never be able to build a strong relationship, so please, give me some answers. What is your experience in this matter?

P.S. Sorry for my english. I'm not a native and still learning ;)

[KDaddy23]

The "simplest" answer is you do it because, um, you kinda have to. My wife knows I'm bi and I do have permission to get some dick when I want/need to. But I've been in straight relationships and, well, just gotta play it straight and be faithful... because that's what you gotta do to be in the relationship and keep things going as smoothly as possible. Here's the thing a lot of people don't seem to realize: We're bisexual... but that doesn't mean we're always homosexual - we are pretty much "straight by default" and, as such, we can and do play by the rules despite our bisexuality. We might not like it - and many of us don't - but it's what we have to do until such time it is decided to end the relationship. What we know is that being bi and in a relationship already is the worst situation to be in... but things are changing. One of the things I learned about being bi and in a relationship is just because you can do something doesn't mean you always have to and, yeah, if you value the relationship and the person you're with, you shouldn't do something. Still kinda fucked up in a way but it's the relationship first and one's sexuality second. You just do "the right things" because that's what you have to do if you wanna stay in your relationship.

[CurEUs_Male]

I feel like Kdaddy missed an important potential option here - consensual non monogamy.

First, I think there is a chance many of your challenges you listed regarding limited length of 'straight', 'romantic' relationships with women and limited connections with men, it could be that many of those relationships suffered with your duality of bisexuality.
While it is certainly possible for a bisexual person to live a committed life with just one partner, it is not a firm requirement. Monogamy works, if it is right for both parties in the relationship. A lot of self identified straight monogamous people cheat, and never consider it something to do with monogamy...

If you truly are open to relationships with more than one person at a time, and are willing to be open with your partner about your desires, then you can likely have that committed, romantic, emotional relationship with one, and another... meeting all your needs not just some of your needs. Of course to find that situation, you would need to be open first with yourself, then with your potential partners. There is something to "dating your own species" - if you only date straight women that expect a straight, monogamous man, and expect to maintain the same sex part of yourself, you will run into the same stresses in relationships.

[tenni]

The comment below is what I think you need to have a relationship with a woman (bi preferred) and a man. The issue of being honest with the woman about your sexuality can be an internal challenge but that seems to be a key. Finding a bisexual woman will help as long as you set boundaries that both of you will respect and accept for both of you.

Desert storm seems to be similar to a lot of guys on this site but it seems most frequently ends up not being honest with the woman. Men seem to be a lot easier about not being monogamous with another man. As he already found out, heterosexual woman are difficult for a bi guy who is not willing to be monogamous with the woman. Some biguys accept monogamy with one woman but many/most can not do that.

[playful808]

I recommend complete honesty, and ethical non-monogamy, from the very start.
My lovely wife and I play with a few friends, mostly bi guys.

[KDaddy23]

No, I didn’t miss it - jist don’t wanna put what might be false hope out there. I’m all for it - being monogamous sucks even when you’re not bisexual so if you can get around it and both parties can benefit, sure, why not?

[Long Duck Dong]

I did it simply by being honest with my former partner, I told her I was bisexual and that I wanted to work on resolving any urges between us before I went outside of the relationship, simply because I am not a person that has a interest in casual sex.....

I am more monogamous minded than casual and in the end, the odds rolled in my favor and I ended up in a closed poly group with a male and two females, because we all were open with each other and we had ground rules that defined our group, I do not struggle with the idea that there is any cheating because we define ourselves as people with a connection but not a relationship with each other......and when my new partner and I reached an understanding with each other, I did not feel like I was sleeping around on them or cheating because they are also part of the group now.....

my new partner is a fully developed and functioning intersex female, I can have the best of both worlds with her alone but I also understand that she loves group sex and even in the middle of it, she will reach for me, even if its for a long deep kiss before i am told to suck like there is no tomorrow, and so I feel like I am there for her pleasure and enjoyment, not just my own......

[desertstorm]

Heh, maybe the problem lies in the assumptions. I always thought that gay sex is just a fooling around and I do it because finding a gay sex-partner is much much easier than finding a woman for a one-night-stand. I assumed that I will be meeting guys till I find my beloved straight girlfriend and then I will simply switch to being faithful and somehow "suppress" my desire for cocks. It never worked though. I never told any "serious" girlfriend about my bisexuality at the beginning of the relationship, although I always found myself telling about it at the end - but it was too late then.


Since some time, a year or two, I started to tell women about my sexuality just after couple of dates to be honest with them, but it also didn't work out - each time they gave me big surprised eyes and "I have to think about it", "im not sure if I can be with such man" etc.


It is completely unrealistic for me to even think about the relationship with a bisexual woman who is open for my from-time-to-time sex action with a guy. I am hardcoded to think that it is impossible, but I have to agree that such relationship would be ideal. I tried only standard dating, with straight woman and for my whole life I was convinced that this is something I need and want to look for.


I think that if I start to tell women who I want to date with that I am bi and I like to suck dicks, they will totally reject me. That there is no such woman in my environment who will accept it and want to be with me despite my sexuality.


Have you ever had similar thoughts? How did you deal with them?

[CurEUs_Male]

I am sure, desertstorm, your environment will have a lot to do with it... You list a Poland, and so I am not familiar with the dating or social open scene. Around here (USA) we have a lot of options for meeting people. Online dating is the norm now, and there are several dating apps that are more inclusive and less straight-monogamous minded. OK Cupid allows listing your interests (women) along with orientation (bi) and relationship style (non monogamy)... while the pool would be considered smaller with such things posted, perhaps dating only those that are open to a bi, non monogamous guy will match, and perhaps date more that a couple times. I would avoid opening with "I like to suck cock", or any other sexuality act, leave it with orientation until she asks about acts... only answer what is being asked.

[SilkyHoseLover]

I think that if I start to tell women who I want to date with that I am bi and I like to suck dicks, they will totally reject me. That there is no such woman in my environment who will accept it and want to be with me despite my sexuality.
My situation is probably far different from those described by most here on the forum, but I'll mention it anyway.

I had no conscious desire or interest in M-M sexual activities until I was in my late 50s, by which time I'd been happily married to a wonderful lady for 35 years or so. When that first experience happened, we both recognized and accepted my bisexuality, because I was visibly enthusiastic about it. She is very straight, and has no interest in other women, but understands my desires and allows me to enjoy those pleasures that I enjoy. In fact, she's said that she wishes that she had a dick, just to make me happy. (not that she would want one for herself to enjoy...)

What I'm trying to say, is, we have established a stable and satisfying relationship and are in our golden years together. Because of the strong relationship, there is understanding and compassion at work. It probably wouldn't have played out this way if we'd been married for only a short time before these circumstances arose.

[mike r]

My wife and I were swingers back in the day-- she with men and women, me with women. she knew I had had sex with other teen guys when I was in high school. Decades later I told her I was bi. initially she was shocked but is fine with it now BTW, we are coming up on our 39th anniversary.

[playful808]

I think that if I start to tell women who I want to date with that I am bi and I like to suck dicks, they will totally reject me. That there is no such woman in my environment who will accept it and want to be with me despite my sexuality.

Have you ever had similar thoughts? How did you deal with them?

Women reject guys for all kinds of reasons.
Yes, some women will reject you for being bi. (And that is a good thing. Being stuck with the wrong woman is worse than hell.)

The women who remain will do so for the right reasons, and are probably attracted to your orientation.

Do not start a relationship that requires you to change or hide your orientation.

[NjbiGuy01]

Women reject guys for all kinds of reasons. Yes, some women will reject you for being bi. (And that is a good thing. Being stuck with the wrong woman is worse than hell.) The women who remain will do so for the right reasons, and are probably attracted to your orientation. Do not start a relationship that requires you to change or hide your orientation.

GOOD POINT !! Let's also remember: It's been mentioned here your female partner should be bi...I don't find that be be a factor. I do find it interesting that many bi women actually don't encourage nor support bi men as their partners...as weird as it seems. I had the discussion with a bi woman and she was like "that's totally gross"...I argues "but you are bi, and that's okay ?"...it's that double standard that seems to exist and not be going away....somehow two women together is "so hot"... and two guys together "is gross".... go figure....:yikes2:

[sysper]

2 women togather is "so hot" as long as men who like women get to watch, but as soon as they realize there are women who wanna be togather, without men, without men involved or watching, then the high n' mighty come out.
GOOD POINT !! Let's also remember: It's been mentioned here your female partner should be bi...I don't find that be be a factor. I do find it interesting that many bi women actually don't encourage nor support bi men as their partners...as weird as it seems. I had the discussion with a bi woman and she was like "that's totally gross"...I argues "but you are bi, and that's okay ?"...it's that double standard that seems to exist and not be going away....somehow two women together is "so hot"... and two guys together "is gross".... go figure....:yikes2:

[bibliss]

As I get older, I feel more open about my sexuality. The more I come to terms with my own sexuality, the more I feel comfortable telling others about myself -- what I like and what I find enjoyable and pleasurable -- and how I can be inclusive of both men and women. As Playful says, honesty is important. And I find the more honest I am, the more people response with a sense of understanding than ever before. I think we live at a time when sexuality in general is becoming more open and tolerant. I'm excited for the future. Keep going, and share whatever happens. This is a great forum to share with others of like mind!

[desertstorm]

Thank you guys for all your thoughts and advice! To be honest I did not expect to find any helpful hand here, but fortunately I was deeply mistaken. I really appreciate your mature and thoughtful answers, that is what I needed.
For sure I need some time to digest all of that and make some good use out of it. I'm still getting to know who I really am and what I really want, but recently every day is a new discovery for me. I'm becoming more and more confident and it feels great :) It's like I'm finally starting to understand what is going on with me ;)
I will probably be back and ask another questions in the future, so... see you soon ;)

[dan.woodlawn]

i dont know...My wife and I were both sluts before finding each other. recently, we started having real conversation about the assumptions we both made. She said plainly, that now that we were married, we could never have other partners. I said why do we have to make that assumption. Do you still desire to have other partners? That led to more conversation and reinstigating what we both want...if it could happen...what would it be?

Since then we have had 3 or 4 threesomes and she has an old partner that she sees randomly. I have begun looking for local friends. The marriage has never been stronger and we are much much closer.

My point is, it didnt take a direct route...we started with "if you could do anything, what would it be" followed by dispassionate listing. We have a 3some partner that likes to cuck me, but its not a fantasy of mine (I dont mind watching them, sucking him, letting them meet, creampie), but that doesnt stop her and I from fooling around at will. So when the 3 of us are together, we let him drive a bit, and she gets what she wants, I get what I want, he gets what he wants while I put up with some verbal abuse I can instantly forget. Its play time. I can handle it.

[zbi73]

Honesty I guess, though I can't comment from any experience. If you cheat on your partner and they find out, it's most likely going to be over anyway as they'll not trust you. You might as well lay your cards on the table if you can't curb your desires while in a relationship. If they can't deal with it, so be it and you could end things amicably but you might be lucky enough to have or find a partner who is understanding or as kinky as you and you can both explore your bisexual sides together (probably a fantasy, but they don't tax dreams yet).

I don't see an issue with having sex with another man when you single and care free, but cheating on a partner often doesn't end well regardless of gender. Just my opinion, knew to all this myself.

[cbb83]

Not everyone is good at monogamy. Straight, bi, or other. It's possible you just don't have it in you.

You may need to be poly (multiple faithful partners) or just be in an open relationship (swing-y), or possibly just no "steady" relationship at all.

Could also just be you're weak and easily seduced, lol.

Or maybe you just haven't met the one for you.

Gotta figure out which it is. Unfortunately you will break a few hearts figuring out who you are. It's just part of life.

It's not easy, good luck.

(Said as someone who has been through the process; for me I just hadn't met "the one", once I did, I preferred it to the other options)