feeeling in a love triangle

[deamous]

hi I'm new to this and I need some advice because im literally going insane,
but my story is about that i have been with my boyfriend (sexually) for three years but in a serious relationship for two ,i have even lost my virginity to him when i was 15 going to be 16 while he was 23 now I am 19 and he is 26 and latley ive been wanting to be with women especially with my friend who we both know we have feelings for ever since my boyfriend gave me a free pass to do be with people but i broke the rules by being with another man and now i cant do anything no more with my friend and she means soo much to me ,i dont want to cheat on him i know i love him sooo much but i dont want to cheat again and ive been craving a woman's touch really bad!!! any advice???

[Long Duck Dong]

stand in the shower and cry your heart out......just let it all out.... cos the emotion in your post is off the scale and you need to vent ya feelings....

ok for a start, lets break down your post......

you mention breaking the rules by being with another male... so i take that to mean that the rules were only females, no other guys..... not that it really matters....

the way you post is as if you owe your bf something.... as if you are indebted to him and that is something that does stand out to me, more than the fact you love him.....and the other thing that stands out is the way you talk about your female friend with tenderness and emotion.....

so, deamous.... I personally think the rules need to change... you may have slipped up and nobody is perfect, but something tells me that the friendship with your female friend is more than just a attraction, that there is the beginnings of a relationship there, that are more than just sexual...
I am not saying that you are really a lesbian, but that as a lady, you have found another lady that you love and desire to be with.........

ok sit your bf down and talk with him, not to him.... the rules were broken, you slipped up,... but now you are finding that you are struggling badly, and not cos of the lack of sex but the lack of love and loving contact with somebody you are strongly attracted to.... your female friend.....and that its time to rethink the rules, and compromise again, as you want a ongoing contact with your friend.....

put the offer on the table that you have the chance to be with your lady friend and your boyfriend, in a sort of open relationship that is exclusive between the 3 of you..... not that it means he gets to have sex with your female friend.... and see what happens....

I am taking into account, your age... and your future.... and the fact that the love and attraction you feel has grown as you have matured and settled..... and while part of your teen years were dedicated to your bf, you have reached a stage where the hormonal rages are settled for the most part and now you have a better and clearer idea of what your interests, desires and attractions are.... and the contact with ladies is strong......

your loyalty and commitment to your male partner is awesome.... but honestly the impression I get, is that its part obligation part emotional and loving... and the obligation part is something that could cause problems in the future, in the same way it is causing issues now.....

if you find that you are more female attracted and oriented, then you will have to make a choice in the future anyway... in regards to your relationships and your future..... which is hard to do ..... but tying ourselves down to a relationship that is causing us more pain than pleasure, is never a good idea...
I have no doubt you love your male partner, but it feels so much like you need to love a lady as well....

[bityme]

hi I'm new to this and I need some advice because im literally going insane,
but my story is about that i have been with my boyfriend (sexually) for three years but in a serious relationship for two ,i have even lost my virginity to him when i was 15 going to be 16 while he was 23 now I am 19 and he is 26 and latley ive been wanting to be with women especially with my friend who we both know we have feelings for ever since my boyfriend gave me a free pass to do be with people but i broke the rules by being with another man and now i cant do anything no more with my friend and she means soo much to me ,i dont want to cheat on him i know i love him sooo much but i dont want to cheat again and ive been craving a woman's touch really bad!!! any advice???

At 15, you were far too young to be committed to one person, especially a 23 year old young man )not to mention the fact that in taking your virginity he was committing a felony in California, as well as each subsequent occasion until you reached the age of 18). For each time, upon conviction, he could have been sentenced for up to four years in prison and be required to register as a sex offender (California Penal Code Sections 261.5 and 1174.4) (and where the hell were your parents). You obviously have not had a chance to gain the experiences you need to fully find out who you are without the pressure of a committed relationship.

It would appear that he is attempting to punish you for your indiscretion with the other man by telling you you can't see your girlfriend. Think about it! He is treating you like a child. When a child misbehaves, you take away their favorite toy for a while as punishment!

Did you get together with the other man because there was something your boyfriend wasn't providing for you, because your boyfriend had treated you badly, or because you were curious about what it would be like with someone else. When it happened, you and your boyfriend should have sat down and discussed the situation as equals and determined why it happened. Instead, he took away your toy as punishment.

From 15 to 19 is 21 percent of your life so far. During those years (and maybe a few more) you should have been dating or going out with a number of different people. How can you say "I know I love him soooo much" when you have nothing to compare it to? You need to get out and experience life before committing yourself to someone. Being controlled by someone you allow to be judge and jury of your conduct and submitting to their "punishment" is not freely experiencing life.

You indicate that you have feelings for your girlfriend and you now crave another woman's touch. You need, for yourself, to be able to pursue those feelings and find out whether or not they are more important than your feelings for men, or at least your current boyfriend. It could be that they are more important, possibly leading to a breakup with your boyfriend. I could be that they are not more important, but that you have a need to continue having a relationship with your girlfriend or someone else. It could be that the level of importance is very low and that you can forego those feelings to remain in a committed relationship with your boyfriend (I am 99.9% sure that this last option does not apply in your case.).

I normally don't give advice in the forums, but this time I will. My advice is to drop the boyfriend. Spend some time getting to know yourself without someone else controlling your actions. Take responsibility for yourself. Explore your feelings for other women and other men. Do not get into a committed relationship with another person until you are at least 25 years old.

I answer to the comments of other members (which will surely follow) asking what gives my the right or expertise to give such advice: I have a Ph.D. in Humanist Psychology and a J.D. in law. I have not practiced as a treating Psychologist, but I did practice law in California for many years before retiring, as well as teaching at a number of colleges and a law school. If you married your current boyfriend, I have no doubt that your marriage would become one of the more than 50% of California marriages that end in a Dissolution of Marriage (California term for divorce).

I know it is not an issue that was raised in your post, but please use birth control. It would be a tragedy for you to become a mother before you have finished your education and gained experience in what ever career you decide on.

Regardless of the age difference between you and your boyfriend, you are an adult. You are equal to him, not subservient. You alone have the right to determine your course in life. When it comes to life decisions, there is no requirement that you consult with him or make him a part of the decision making process. [That only occurs when you marry and make someone your life partner.] You are a worthy and valuable individual in and of yourself. Think with your head while listening to your heart, but let your head make the decisions that are best for you.

Pappy

[csrakate]

At 15, you were far too young to be committed to one person, especially a 23 year old young man )not to mention the fact that in taking your virginity he was committing a felony in California, as well as each subsequent occasion until you reached the age of 18). For each time, upon conviction, he could have been sentenced for up to four years in prison and be required to register as a sex offender (California Penal Code Sections 261.5 and 1174.4) (and where the hell were your parents). You obviously have not had a chance to gain the experiences you need to fully find out who you are without the pressure of a committed relationship.

It would appear that he is attempting to punish you for your indiscretion with the other man by telling you you can't see your girlfriend. Think about it! He is treating you like a child. When a child misbehaves, you take away their favorite toy for a while as punishment!

Did you get together with the other man because there was something your boyfriend wasn't providing for you, because your boyfriend had treated you badly, or because you were curious about what it would be like with someone else. When it happened, you and your boyfriend should have sat down and discussed the situation as equals and determined why it happened. Instead, he took away your toy as punishment.

From 15 to 19 is 21 percent of your life so far. During those years (and maybe a few more) you should have been dating or going out with a number of different people. How can you say "I know I love him soooo much" when you have nothing to compare it to? You need to get out and experience life before committing yourself to someone. Being controlled by someone you allow to be judge and jury of your conduct and submitting to their "punishment" is not freely experiencing life.

You indicate that you have feelings for your girlfriend and you now crave another woman's touch. You need, for yourself, to be able to pursue those feelings and find out whether or not they are more important than your feelings for men, or at least your current boyfriend. It could be that they are more important, possibly leading to a breakup with your boyfriend. I could be that they are not more important, but that you have a need to continue having a relationship with your girlfriend or someone else. It could be that the level of importance is very low and that you can forego those feelings to remain in a committed relationship with your boyfriend (I am 99.9% sure that this last option does not apply in your case.).

I normally don't give advice in the forums, but this time I will. My advice is to drop the boyfriend. Spend some time getting to know yourself without someone else controlling your actions. Take responsibility for yourself. Explore your feelings for other women and other men. Do not get into a committed relationship with another person until you are at least 25 years old.

I answer to the comments of other members (which will surely follow) asking what gives my the right or expertise to give such advice: I have a Ph.D. in Humanist Psychology and a J.D. in law. I have not practiced as a treating Psychologist, but I did practice law in California for many years before retiring, as well as teaching at a number of colleges and a law school. If you married your current boyfriend, I have no doubt that your marriage would become one of the more than 50% of California marriages that end in a Dissolution of Marriage (California term for divorce).

I know it is not an issue that was raised in your post, but please use birth control. It would be a tragedy for you to become a mother before you have finished your education and gained experience in what ever career you decide on.

Regardless of the age difference between you and your boyfriend, you are an adult. You are equal to him, not subservient. You alone have the right to determine your course in life. When it comes to life decisions, there is no requirement that you consult with him or make him a part of the decision making process. [That only occurs when you marry and make someone your life partner.] You are a worthy and valuable individual in and of yourself. Think with your head while listening to your heart, but let your head make the decisions that are best for you.

Pappy
I agree with him....100%! Well stated, Pappy!

[Jobelorocks]

Well right now I am 25 I couldn't imagine what I would want at 23 with a 15 year old other than to take advantage and/or control them. I would NEVER have anything to do with someone under the age of 18 and even 18 is pushing it because you do a lot of growing up and self discovery between your teen years and your early 20's. I was really mature for most teenagers and I still did a lot of growing up between my late teens and early 20's .

In my case my family was pretty controlling and it took me getting out of the house and being more independent to figure out what I really wanted sexually, spiritually, and generally out of life. I suggest you get out from under his controlling thumb (he punishes you as if you were a child... a clear sign of trying to control you) and get out "on your own" so to speak to figure out what you want.

[Okie1970]

I see the points of each of the people who have commented. I agree that there is a factor of control and punishment going on. I have seen this in my own younger years personally and in the lives of others repeatedly.
If nothing else, you really should think about why you are allowing this man to act like a daddy instead of a partner. Please don't make him the sole focus of your self-esteem and life. Get an education that will allow you to support yourself well and give you a sense of being able and willing to stand on your own two feet. Not putting yourself and your future first is a huge mistake...one you would have to live with for the rest of your life. If you feel you really love him and want to stay with him, fine, go for it...but do what it takes to feel that you can stand on your own.

[DuckiesDarling]

Sorry, still wrapping my mind around the whole "statuatory rape" thing that was your first experience with this man. To be honest your whole post screamed to me of your partner being in control of you. Until you actually recover control of your own self then you can't really sort out what you want or need in a relationship let alone a love triangle.