What am I?

[fatfree]

This question has been bothering me since forever (I'm 28 now). This may be quite long but I appreciate any help I can get here. I’ve had a few drinks so please pardon the language. The last paragraph is the summary so if you’d like to skip the stories you can just read that and help. Thanks!

Ever since I was small I have been quite feminine (even in terms of appearance and voice. was mistaken as female quite often). I grew up with females in the family, and was surrounded by mostly girls because of my academic results so I had few male friends. My parents chose a boys' junior high for me and there I started hanging around with boys, some of whom happened to be gay. They were quite open about their sexual orientation while I still insisted that I was straight. I did watch porn as well as gay porn, the latter much more often in fact, at that time but I never admitted I was gay.

I didn't have time to think about relationships throughout junior high as my parents separated in that period. I was quite a nerd and just played video games at home without socialising with others. Things were up for my parents in 10th grade so I started making more friends.

Then, there came this guy (let’s just call him B1). B1 represented a state sports team but instead of being all macho he was quite childlike. We got close and sometimes I slept over at his place. As I was still quite shy he was the one who would call and suggest what we do together, but one thing about him was that he would keep saying how much I was like a woman. I did like him but never thought about anything else until one night when we were in bed he asked me to touch him and take my clothes off. I did what he said and found that his dick was hard and all but then he just asked me to stop and we just slept on that night. The next morning we just had breakfast as usual but he said what we did was something indecent.

A few days later he said there was something wrong with his laptop and asked if he could come to my place. I knew something was gonna happen and it did. After fixing his laptop we started doing revision for exam, but he kept saying something arousing. I couldn't control myself and hugged him. He pushed me away a bit but slowly we lay on the sofa and started kissing. At first he didn't let me kiss his lips by covering them with his hands but then he became more relaxed. We took off all our clothes and hugged until he came, but what bothered him was that I wasn't hard at all that whole time. We took a shower afterwards and that was the last time we got physically intimate.

We were still friends in high school and in our freshman year at college even though we went to different colleges in New York. Our friendship kind of ended until I started dating a girl (G1) and told him about us having sex after 2 weeks of dating. He was quite startled when he first heard about it but we were still friends. That was until he started dating a girl that he stopped contacting me in his final year.

I met G1 in my freshman year. She was the exact opposite of me: smiles with a beam of sunshine, extremely sociable and opinionated. We started off as friends as I made it quite clear at the beginning that I wanted to stay single and didn’t want to get into any romantic relationship (probably because how things went with B1). But as I got to know her better I was really attracted by her and asked her to be my girlfriend after a year. Things were great in every way and it was truly the best year of my life. She was really sexually active, which made porn irrelevant all together. I really believed that she was the one until she cheated on me after a year. I wanted to break up with her but eventually we got back together. Of course I wasn’t as much in love with her as before and sexually we became less intimate. After we started having a part-time job she’d refuse to have sex with me so sometimes I would jerk off to gay porn with her sleeping next to me. Plus she became increasingly unreasonable and demanding so we broke up after spending 4 years together.

I again decided not to be in any relationship as that one with G1 really broke my heart, and I wasn’t sure when I might start dating a guy. I’m from a VERY conservative Christian family so there’s no way on earth that they’re gonna accept me with a guy, except my sister who made it explicit that I could bring a boyfriend or girlfriend home (I guess she knows something because we used to share the same computer). Not to leave them heart-broken I decided to move overseas where no one knows me so at least whatever I do they wouldn’t know. I started working for a company and here came G2 who is 2 years older than me.

G2 was a typical good girl: friendly, smiles to your jokes and rarely goes out at night. We got close at first as we lived nearby. We started off as friends only as she was in a relationship. Other colleagues always joked about her and another colleague who had a girlfriend because they were really close. After G2 broke up with her boyfriend she became more open and went out with us more often. One night after a few drinks G2 and the guy started flirting with each other and eventually kissed. In the days that followed they were all secretive. The guy would use excuses to leave us but we knew the two of them were gonna meet up. They seemed to end things after a week or so.

G2 and I then became even closer to a point that I started having feelings for her, and I could feel that she felt the same. We bought each other really nice gifts on our birthdays and started dining out with only the two of us. But I couldn’t forget how she approached that guy and made a move on him so I finally convinced myself not to tell her my feelings. I distanced her for a while to give her a clear signal and started becoming close friends with her again as she’s a really good person. At times she found it hard to accept us being close friends only but eventually she did. But I’m not sure whether I still have feelings for her...

Then a new colleague (B2) came two years ago. He’s three years younger, handsome, athletic, funny and childish/childlike. At first he caught my eye as a handsome guy only, but I didn’t think much about him, well, not until we became close friends. G1, he, a few other colleagues and I started hanging out quite often. At first whenever he was out he was quite bothered by his demanding girlfriend but a few months later he broke up with her. With all of us are single we hang out even more often. Sometimes they make me feel closer than I’ll ever be to my real family so I really treasure our friendship. But at the same time I started to think I may have feelings for B2. Because he was new and all I started taking care of him all the time as a mentor.

A year ago he suddenly confessed to me that he has feelings for G2. I kind of saw it coming from his body language anyway. At first this love triangle did bother me a lot because I seem to be the one who can control the whole thing, and I’m not sure whether I actually like G2 or B2 better. But B2 decided not to say anything because he knows G2 is still very much in love with me. So I decided to do nothing and just let things flow.

But I didn’t know starting when B2 and I started calling each other ‘darling’. We would fool around even in the workplace, hugging each other, playing with each other’s hair etc. Some colleagues have showed their surprise or even dismay seeing things like this, but because I’m senior and help the company earn a lot of money they didn’t say anything. Sometimes he sleeps over at my place and we would hug and sleep together. He said he’d never be with a guy but told me that I’m special, probably in a way that it gets him nervous if I say I don’t wanna talk to him. Once he hinted that he knows I like him by saying that he could’ve used me if he wanted to while he’s waiting for G2’s feelings for me to subside. To avoid any awkwardness I just pretended I didn’t hear anything.

A few days ago he slept over again and I didn’t know why I felt extra horny. Leaning on his shoulder I was hard on the whole night and tried really really hard not to make a move on him. At last I didn’t but I’m afraid I would one day and ruin the whole situation, especially my friendships with G2 and B2.

All these have made me think about moving to another country AGAIN to have a start-over. But wasn’t it what I came here for in the first place? I’m worried that even if I move again same things may happen all over again, and I’ll have to push away all these amazing people again. As everyone tells me I need to find someone, but what am I? And what should I look for? I think I’m emotionally more connected to women, plus more comfortable having sex with them, but am more sexually aroused by men, but not comfortable being intimate with them (based on my experience with B1). I’m afraid that if I were to choose a girl I wouldn’t be able to control my sexual arousal for men, but if I were to be with a guy I wouldn’t be able to connect with him emotionally or do well sexually. I know it’s not healthy holding all these inside but I’d really rather be alone than hurt anyone in a relationship, as I understand how much it can someone. I even thought about seeing a shrink but am not sure how much it’ll help this freaky me.

Thanks for reading. Any advice would help!

[tenni]

Hi
Well, I have read your description a few times and it does seem complicated but then most of our lives have complications.:eek:

A couple of points that stood out for me. I may be wrong and so judge accordingly. I'm answering because no one else has and you at least deserve some acknowledgement even if you were a bit tipsy when you wrote.

The first point is that as a bisexual you may find things changing for you. Even at 28 you are just beginning your relationship experience. Relax a bit more about whether it is a man or woman that you get involved with and enjoy the personal interactions with whomever attracts you. You don't have to pick a side as a bisexual. That is the kind of kewl thing about being bisexual amongst a few negatives if you let that get at you.

Second, and most important impression that I got was from what you have written you have permitted your work life to become your social life. Try to expand your social life to people outside of work. The fact that your working peers have exhibited some concern about how you interact with B2 at work should set off alarm bells for you. You are in a supervisory position with some sexual attraction to some one working under you. He is sleeping over at our place. This may lead to an awkward working relationship if not legal action should something go wrong. I'd stop that sleeping over stuff and touching his hair at work etc. He has warned you already that he believes that he can use your behaviour towards him in an undefined manner if he wanted to. (consider that a threat and smarten up to the clue)

Third is that there is no need to move to another country. You would be running away from yourself and the issues are going to travel with you.

So, that is about all that I can comment on. Relax. Explore new friendships outside of work and be comfortable with the fact that you are attracted to both men and women. Good fortune to you.;)

[darkeyes]

Tenni is right. Moving to another country is pointless. You have to take time, think about what you are and what you need from people, and what you have to offer. Wherever you live that is something you need to face... time will bring its own answer... free your mind and be honest with yourself. You are what you are, but in the end, find out what that is and embrace it with open arms, or you will always suffer confusion and disarray in your mind...and it will always bring u difficulties in physical and emotional relationships with either gender...

[slipnslide]

Yes, move. Definitely. That's the only way to fix this.

[void()]

tenni is correct about relationships at work environs, they don't work. And quite often litigation is a real threat. Good rule of professional thumb, do not become romantically or sexually involved with people you work with or for. This will avoid risk to litigation threat which is obviously beneficial.

Grandfather had a saying about running from problems. "You can run but they remain a problem no less. Better to acknowledge and solve them head on." I still run but it is not away from problems. Faced a major one today. Suffice it to say a bit of negative passion flared up. I spoke meanly at the wife over a silly issue.

And now I'm left to realize a need to do a simple task. Probably, ought to have done it sooner. Did apologize to wife, we are okay. At any given this is a little more personal than I care to discuss here or elsewhere in public. Still need a bit of help yet have learned much today in facing a problem.

Best of luck.

[mikey3000]

Did apologize to wife, we are okay. At any given this is a little more personal than I care to discuss here or elsewhere in public. Still need a bit of help yet have learned much today in facing a problem.


Aww, c'mon Void. You spilled plenty on another thread the other day, don't leave us hanging. Who else do you have to apologise too?

[void()]

Aww, c'mon Void. You spilled plenty on another thread the other day, don't leave us hanging. Who else do you have to apologise too?

In all honesty, myself. Because I have hurt myself, emotionally and mentally, over the issue involved. As said, it's personal. That too difficult to understand? Really appreciate folks rubbing salt in open wounds. Figure I'm not alone in such appreciation. Say if it were something you were dealing with and said it was personal, bet you'd love someone rubbing salt, eh? Now please let it go. Trying to do the same here, thanks.

[elian]

<hugs> Void

Hey, the title of your thread caught my attention because I have asked that question many times myself. I also used to pass for female every once in a while when I was much younger, and I also enjoyed playing video games until my fingers were numb from working the controls.

Now you know what it REALLY means to be bisexual, and the people who tell you that being bisexual is great because it doubles your chances for a date .. well . they don't get the whole picture do they?

I agree with the other responses - I know if you are introverted a big part of your social life IS probably the people you work with - I know I see the people I work with more than I see the other members of my family anyway.

If you ARE supervising any of these people, in the US that would send red flags up the HR totem pole - if any of those people ever accused you of making "sex" a condition of their employment or career advancement things could get litigious so most companies have a rule against ANY supervisor/subordinate relations. I HAVE known co-workers at the same level who have had romantic entanglements, two or three that even got married but it can be awkward if things DON'T work out right and you still have to work together so bear that in mind.

The fact that some of your co-workers already feel uncomfortable could be a warning sign that you placing yourself or your career at risk.

Life is messy, I have some verry good friends who I almost more than adore, as of yet I haven't ever tried to do anything sexually with them but it's a hell of a platonic relationship anyway..ever trying loving them WITHOUT the sex? Yeah, I know it doesn't do much for certain..err..congested areas of the body but..

If you run away again you will just end up with the same issues to confront - if you change jobs then you could conceivably keep these people in your social circle but you may really LIKE where you are now and what you do - I dunno. Just be careful..I think the other comments made here are advice I would have also given.

Do the current girl and boy know about all three of you? I tried being a part of a bf/gf relationship as a third person once. They were both very sweet, and probably what I really needed at that time in my life since I hadn't had much sexual experience with either sex as an adult up until that point. I wanted to be there to please everyone and I found it very hard to do. For me it was hard enough to focus energy on just one partner, let alone more than one. Maybe I was trying too hard, but that's just the type of person I am.

[bityme]

I think I’m emotionally more connected to women, plus more comfortable having sex with them, but am more sexually aroused by men, but not comfortable being intimate with them (based on my experience with B1). I’m afraid that if I were to choose a girl I wouldn’t be able to control my sexual arousal for men, but if I were to be with a guy I wouldn’t be able to connect with him emotionally or do well sexually. I know it’s not healthy holding all these inside but I’d really rather be alone than hurt anyone in a relationship, as I understand how much it can someone. I even thought about seeing a shrink but am not sure how much it’ll help this freaky me.

I also agree with what the other posters have said, but what struck me about your situation was the part quoted above. It seems like your confusion comes from a belief that you have to choose between a man or a woman. Elian mentioned it and I think it might help for you to explore this issue further.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to choose one gender over another. It means you have some type of attraction to both. In your case, you describe being emotionally and physically attracted to women while your attraction to men is primarily physical. Nothing wrong with that, its how you handle it that is important.

Numerous threads her talk about the importance of communication. If you want to have a successful relationship with anybody, it is always best that they are aware of your attractions to others. It is possible to have relationships where there is not a need to hide your desires or bury your outside attractions.

Like you, I am attracted to women both romantically and physically. My attraction to men is physical, but not romantic. I have been married to two bisexual women and, having been open with each other, we agreed to help each other satisfy our outside urges. After losing the second wife, I thought I'd never be lucky enough to find another woman with the same attitude as the first two. I was wrong.

I am now engaged to a marvelous bisexual lady. We, also, are open about our our physical attractions. We have enjoyed and plan to continue taking advantage of opportunities to have pleasurable activities with others of all genders and orientations.

It can work.

Pappy

[fatfree]

Thanks a lot for all your input and sorry for the late reply.

As far as litigation is concerned, maybe I should consider myself lucky that nothing that happens in the US happens here. Perhaps I've let myself mix my work life with my social life just because we belong to different departments and litigation won't go as far as in the US. I'll certainly take your advice and try to avoid that as much as possible.

In the last five days I did a lot of soul searching and have finally come to terms with the fact that I'm bisexual like this, which was hard for me to admit it as there isn't anyone like me around me but I've heard of the harsh words people said to bisexual people. I've also talked to my friends in-depth, but rather vaguely that I'd consider dating both sexes. Of course they still ask me to date a girl whenever possible, but I'm not afraid to bring a boyfriend out if that happens.

One thing I'm sure is that no matter how strongly I feel for the girl and the boy in the workplace, I will never date them as I don't want to complicate things and I believe that it'd be best for all three of us that we move on instead of being entangled in this love triangle. But I'm thankful for having them because they've driven me to a point where I had to really be honest with myself.

I'll keep an open mind and take whatever chances that come to me outside of work. Thanks again everyone!