Confused and need to make a big decision, help please!!

[AmeliaRose]

Hey guys, first of all I'd just like to say that I am new to this site today so if I take a while to respond or something it's most likely because I'm trying to work out how! Haha. Anyway, I'm 18 and studying to be a child psychologist at university. I am bisexual and have been out with a girl before, we broke up in August of this year and had been together nearly 2 years. It's taken me right up until a few weeks ago to get over this but I truly believe all my feelings have gone. I was cheated on and the whole situation was a complete mess. None of my family knew about this, only 3 or 4 of my best friends.

At uni I've been experimenting with guys just on nights out and stuff like that and i'm really enjoying just being able to do whatever I want, I have never slept with a guy before though and I kinda want to do this before I get into a relationship if it is with a girl. Recently I have been talking to another girl who says she wants to be with me and she really is lovely, I know she would always look after me and be there for me and we would be happy together, but I have always had this image in my head of getting married to a guy and having a couple of kids... I know this would still be possible with a girl but the whole idea just scares me...

Also my dad is VERY against anyone who is lesbian, gay or bi. He makes comments in the street if he see's a a gay couple and it really gets to me, I know it would break his heart if I told him...My mum would just be disappointed but she would love me the same I'm sure. We live in a ridiculously old fashioned traditional tiny town in southern England so everyone knows everyone and everyone would disapprove...

Sorry if this makes no sense just there is a hell of a lot to it and I'm trying to fit it all in, so please ask questions if you want to! I'll answer anything :) Basically i'm not sure whether to go out with this girl because I've been hurt too much before, I have this image of being with a guy and also my family....

Any help would be amazing!

Thank-you!!!

[elian]

Hello, welcome to the site! You sound like an intelligent and caring person but the way you've written your introduction everything sounds very "final" - as though if you don't make a decision "right now" you will miss your "chance". The most terrible deficit in this world isn't a financial one, it's a deficit of love. One of the best things we can do is to learn that others (should) love us in spite of our bodies, not because of them. Learn to love yourself compassionately first, then you will know what it means to love other people in a healthy way.

Give yourself plenty of room to breathe, know that you are loved no matter which path you choose, do NOT make a " hard and fast" decision now, wait. Who you love is only one part of who you are as a whole being and with more experience your confidence will grow, you will know which type of relationship you prefer.

There should be no shame in being LGBT, although it certainly isn't easy - mostly because people in society don't understand what it's REALLY about..it isn't about the sex (at least not to me) - it's about who you choose to love. I've said before, you can control who you have sex with, but much harder to control who you fall in love with.

A young person who is unsure of themselves might also unconsciously seek out others who are like them in order to gain assurance. I don't think there is any shame in that either as long as you don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of for the wrong reason..with experience comes maturity.

I mean no disrespect but if knew now what I thought I knew when I was 18, 20, 25, 30 years old.. I would say that experience is mostly a good thing so it's probably important to try experimenting with guys at least once if that idea appeals to you. If you try intercourse be sure to use a condom or other protection until you are sure you want a child.

Nature isn't black and white, it's many shades of gray; humans just try to MAKE it black and white because we are wired to differentiate. Sexual preference and gender identity are on a continuum, you will be able to find people of any gender who are attracted to either sex in varying degrees, romantically or physically, or both.

As far as your folks, only you know when it is safe to come out, and who to come out to. Eventually you will become financially self-sufficient, be able to move into your own space and then you can do more as you please. I still am not "out' to my parents and co-workers. I think some of them "suspect", and if they were to ask me point-blank I would not deny it, but they never ask, and I don't just volunteer information about my personal business. I know it's stupid, but I just love my parents too much, and good jobs are hard to come by these days.

[Realist]

Welcome, Amelia

I think you came to the right place. You will work things out for yourself, but maybe some of us can give you a little insight.

You are actually living MY life! I too sacrificed my desires and needs for my family. While trying to make them happy and proud of me, I suppressed my own true feelings, dreams, and hopes.

I also had a very conservative family and never revealed to them my sexuality. They were vehemently against any "alternative lifestyle" and would have croaked if they'd suspected I was bisexual.

You may be somewhat confused about what you want, at this stage. But, at least, you are analyzing things, trying to find your place in life. There's nothing wrong with experimenting, determining what you really need, for your life to be fulfilled.

The sooner you learn to live in a way that makes YOU happy, the better off you will be. (It took me many, many, years to do that)

I'm sure there'll be more intelligent advice forthcoming, so just hang in there, don't make any rash commitments and don't sacrifice your dreams, in an effort to please others.

Good luck!

[darkeyes]

Hey guys, first of all I'd just like to say that I am new to this site today so if I take a while to respond or something it's most likely because I'm trying to work out how! Haha. Anyway, I'm 18 and studying to be a child psychologist at university. I am bisexual and have been out with a girl before, we broke up in August of this year and had been together nearly 2 years. It's taken me right up until a few weeks ago to get over this but I truly believe all my feelings have gone. I was cheated on and the whole situation was a complete mess. None of my family knew about this, only 3 or 4 of my best friends.

At uni I've been experimenting with guys just on nights out and stuff like that and i'm really enjoying just being able to do whatever I want, I have never slept with a guy before though and I kinda want to do this before I get into a relationship if it is with a girl. Recently I have been talking to another girl who says she wants to be with me and she really is lovely, I know she would always look after me and be there for me and we would be happy together, but I have always had this image in my head of getting married to a guy and having a couple of kids... I know this would still be possible with a girl but the whole idea just scares me...

Also my dad is VERY against anyone who is lesbian, gay or bi. He makes comments in the street if he see's a a gay couple and it really gets to me, I know it would break his heart if I told him...My mum would just be disappointed but she would love me the same I'm sure. We live in a ridiculously old fashioned traditional tiny town in southern England so everyone knows everyone and everyone would disapprove...

Sorry if this makes no sense just there is a hell of a lot to it and I'm trying to fit it all in, so please ask questions if you want to! I'll answer anything :) Basically i'm not sure whether to go out with this girl because I've been hurt too much before, I have this image of being with a guy and also my family....

Any help would be amazing!

Thank-you!!!

When the time comes hun, just go with ur heart.. guy or girl.. u will fall and if u have fallen truly in luff u wont care 2 much what mummy and daddy and the neighbours think..

Most of us know peeps who have gone in2 heterosexual relationships and marriages where parents dont approve for 1 reason or other, and up north where me dad has a cottage I know one guy who was disapproved of by the whole bloody village cos he used to b a bit harum when he was young and he married a minister's daughter who everyone likes and peeps have slowly come round to thinkin' he isnt such a bad guy after all. Even me an' when young I was permanently head sore when up there from the gett always pullin me hair out by the roots... no its not the same exactly but it is similar... when u fall in luff, if its real.. u dont care what the world thinks.. no thats not quite true.. more u will wish it was otherwise but u face it and will go about winning them over.. an' the likelihood is that u will do just that..

[slipnslide]

Go for a dude. You'll be happy in the long run.

[bobble]

Most of the above advise sounds very useful!

I'd just add be true to yourself! Who you are today may not be who you are many years down the road. Just take care of today!

Part of that is not worrying about what your parents or anyone else thinks. That is really their issue, not yours. I suspect you'd find that they are more accepting than you might suspect. But don't force the issue with them. Some people want 'intentional ignorance.' Easier for them to avoid an issue than deal with it, emotionally.

You are so young, I hope you are not in a hurry to have a child! Children are great, don't get me wrong, but you have a lot of living to do before you take on that role, if youwant to be good at it!

It sounds as if you may have some bi-sexual tendencies? If so, you get the best of two worlds!

I recall, barely, my teen and young adult years They were an emotional maelstrom! Everything is so raw at your age, or it was for me anyway.

Follow your heart, be true to yourself, and soon you'll awaken every morning with a smile on your face!

Hang In There!

[a2smith09]

Well you are awfully young and have a long life ahead of you. If you truly are bisexual it is perfectly normal to want and desire relations with both sexes. Also seeing how you were raised it is also perfectly normal for you to feel conflict about this. You are normal. If you desire another rellationship with another girl go give it a try. Hopefully she'll understand you desire to have relationships with men too.

Also if you want to try a guy go ahead. Find you a nice one and have a relationship. It would be very nice to find one who will be open and understanding of you need and desire to have relationships with other girls and to be supportive of that when the time comes. Anyway you are way too young and inexperienced to lock yourself in a rut. Try and grow.

[kevin56]

hello
welcome to the site

you can take this simple advice from a middle aged bi guy if you want.

take things slow. you have alot of life to live. its too soon to make any serious decisions. there are women here on this site that can give u alot of advice. im sure better advice than i can give. feel free to ask me anything you want if you want. dont put yourself in a corner

[Goodone]

I am probably too new to this site for me to feel comfortable giving advice, as well as too new to really accepting my own bisexuality (even though I am nearly 40) but here goes.

The first thing I will say is at 18 you are still young and a lot of things may change. Take any relationship at a pace that is right for you and be prepared that the person you think is right now, may not be in 2 years time, that is cool, there is no rush.

It sounds like you like the girl and she sounds like a decent person, give her a try. Have some fun with her, enjoy her company and see if she works for you. It is not the gender that is the important thing, it is the person. If the person is right everything else will work itself out.

If you want to try guys for a while, go for it. The simple fact is a lot of guys are not scared of Bi/lesbians although be prepared he will probably ask to watch :rolleyes:

One word of advice based on my experience. If your bisexuality is true and set in your makeup, do what is right for you. Don't try to live a lie for the sake of friends and family, you will not be happy. Do what will make you happy as you are the most important person you know. I tried to live the life that family, friends and society see as normal. I did the married thing (for 13 years), had a kid (now 15 and I love her dearly), had a divorce, got engaged again to a different girl, now split from her etc. A lot of this was because I am Bi and I could not keep dealing with it as a dirty secret, hiding it in the shadows and always scared people will find out. If you are unhappy you will fail at relationships, love yourself and you will be able to love others, loathe yourself and love will fail you.

As for your parents etc, you will know when the time is right, but that will most likely be when you know what direction you will take. My parents still do not know about my sexuality. For me it is a bit easier, I tend to form relationships with girls but I play with boys. I guess I would have to make a change in plans if I was ever to find a guy that I wanted to be in a relationship with, which I came close to once. Many Bi's find it is not about gender, it is the personal characteristics that attract them, as it seems with you and perhaps with me. The vast majority of my friends and none of my family know about my sexuality, I don't discuss it with them. It is my sexuality and not my identity, it is none of their business. If I were to enter into a long term relationship with a guy I would have to tell them but because I just play with guys I don't have to. Having said that, now that I am becoming more and more comfortable with my bisexuality, I don't feel I have to hide it as much and if anyone was to ask me, I would tell them as I am not embarrassed by it. It is just the way I am, if they don't like me because of it, they are not worth having around.

Guess what I am trying to say is relax a bit, take your time and have some fun. Make your decision based on experience, not ideals.

[bigbadmax]

IGNORE SLIPNSLIDE!

They are an idiot of the first degree with a foul mouth and foul parsonality.

Do what feels right for you, as you are the one who has to go to bed with your thoughts and wake up to them.If not comfortable with self, who can you be comfortable with?

[void()]

IGNORE SLIPNSLIDE!

They are an idiot of the first degree with a foul mouth and foul parsonality.


They said something? Void rereads thread. Sorry, not seeing them here.