husband may be bi, but won't admit it..what can I do?

[deremarc]

I actually posted this on another thread, so if you read it there, I apologize for the duplication. I decided I should post my own thread, and hope for some good advice.

Hi to all. I found this site while searching for information on the internet, trying to decide whether or not my husband is gay or bisexual. I have found very few places where this is discussed and am sincerely looking for help.

I would love to hear what insight someone who is bisexual can give me.

I was best friends with my husband for 3 years prior to dating, and have now been married to him for a year. I thought I knew him very well. It appears that I do not.

Basically, without going into great detail, I have found gay porn on his computer, he has joined sites, such as squirt, which is a site for guys to hook up with other guys. He also has chatted with other guys and has had cybersex which was left as a record in his archives. (I found this all out after we were married, but all of this happened before the marriage.)

Now, since I have found out this information, all I find is gay porn, or sometimes he will join a "gay" site for chat. As soon as I find out about this, he stops and tells me he loves me, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.

I have always believed that everyone is entitled to their privacy. I am now going against what I believe, and snooping on him. What tipped me off, was we were at his computer looking at stuff together, when a chat im showed up from a guy. I x'd it out several times, but the guy kept sending im's. The last one I did read and the im referenced anal sex.

I found this a few month's into our marriage. He is truly a great guy. Fun loving, sweet, considerate, smart and great to my kids. I love him wholeheartedly.

The conversations we have had about this are extremely painful and gutwrenching for both of us. He adamantly denied everything at first. Only when presented with facts, in the manner of computer archives, did he come clean. He then swore that all of this was in the past. That this guy was just someone he used to talk to, before we were married.

He finally admitted that before we were a couple he had very casual sex encounters with men. The kind where you hook up on a site and just meet for sex. (And, I know so little about this subject, that I am sure I will come off as silly...but he only recieved head from guys or was the "top"...does this make a difference in things? He says that he would never perform oral sex on a guy or have anything in his bum. He says he doesn't want a relationship with a guy. I am so confused. In my opinion, sexual orientation is about being sexually attracted to a member of the same sex...not about who does what to whom.)

He gave me many conflicting reasons for the fact that he had sexual encounters with men. He said at one point he thought he might be gay, he tried the lifestyle and found out he wasn't. I could accept that, if he didn't continually go back to "guys" as we call it in our household (because we dare not call it gay or bi...he flips out). If he found out he wasn't gay, I would have thought that would have been the end of it.

He also told me that it was just a quick and easy blowjob. That he is highly sexed, and that sex in our small community was hard to come by. Again, this sounds plausible, to a degree. Would a truly straight guy get a blow job from a guy if no one would know? I expect so. But, if he is now having lots of great sex with me, then he would no longer be looking to guys for that, right?

And, as far as the sex goes, we have sex all the time, sometimes several times a day. We both give and seem to enjoy giving oral sex, i enjoy anal sex as much as he does, he pays attention to my breasts...which all makes me think he must be bi, and not gay...otherwise the sex with me would not be great right?

I don't think that he has actually had physical contact with guys since this came out. What I do know, is that we will fight when I found out he has been active again, and I will threaten to leave him if he can't be honest and talk about it with me, and he will say that it is over. But, give it a few months, and we are right back where we started.

I understand how difficult it would be for him to come out, given the small, conservative, religious area in which we live. I am not asking that he bare his soul to the world, just to me.

I don't think that being bi or gay, makes you more likely to cheat. If you are a cheater, you are no matter what your orientation may be. I do think, though, that if my husband desires sex with men, that is a need I can't fulfill or compete with. I do think he would be more likely to cheat with a man, than with a woman. I am straight myself, but I know if I were "forced" by society to have a relationship with a woman, I would be very likely to cheat on her with a man, simply because she would not be able to fulfill those very basic needs and desires of mine.

I think that the potential for him to cheat, if he desires men is great. I don't worry about him with other women. We have an awesome sex life, we connect emotionally and intellectually. Most affairs with the opposite sex, are for sex or connection. I think sex with men would go beyond that for him, and just be something he needs because of who he is.

Our biggest problem, is that he lies about what he does, and hides everything. I would love to have an open honest discussion about this whole issue. I understand him being afraid to do that, but I have told him (and shown him) over and over again, that I love and respect him no matter what.

The problem is I don't know if he is bi or what. He says he is NOT GAY! It makes him so angry to discuss it. He blames me for him repeatedly going back and joining those sites...he says it is because I don't trust him. Or, if I find something on the computer (which he is very very good at hiding now), he says it was just habit. Continual excuses, because, of course, it is NOT because he wants sex with men.

I have even told him that if he does have this desire for men, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, we will deal with it. I have told him I would be willing to do threesomes with him and another man. That as long as I know and he uses protection with other people, then we can probably work it out.

I am desperately seeking information. I would like to hear stories from men who hid their orientation from their wives or girlfriend and maybe finally came out. Is it inevitable that he will want a man eventually? Is this desire so strong that he will "slip" and end up having sex with another man if the opportunity arises?

What can I, as his wife, do to help him? If he is truly attracted to men, he must be miserable. And, I know he is miserable sometimes, he will get very depressed. Living a lie will do that to you.

I think I am understanding and easy to talk to. I would never betray him to anyone else. I would still love him no matter what.

I just think that I deserve to know what kind of relationship I am actually in, so that I can make my own choices on whether to stay or go. And I also need to know that I can trust him, that he will be honest with me. Because right now, I am so worried about it and so upset. I worry that if he hides the fact that he watches gay porn (which I would willingly watch with him or not mind him doing as long as he didn't treat it as a dirty little secret) and hides the fact that he joins gay chat sites, that it is a little bitty step to hiding meeting men for sex.

Once, when he was depressed, he told me that he thought I would make him a better person, that I could save him from his bad side. I truly think he may be bi, or homosexual, and this is what he wanted me to "save" him from.

I think that it is something he doesn't want in his life, but he cannot escape it because the desire is so strong.

I truly want to help him. I wish he would open up to me. I want to see him happy. And, I also want to see myself happy too.

I don't want to be the wife who is being duped. I think honesty and trust are vital to any relationship. But, I also understand why he may not feel he can be honest with me. Or, maybe he doesn't want to be honest with himself?

Is there anyone out there that can tell me how to approach him? How to deal with this situation? Are there support groups for women that don't know...as opposed to groups for women whose husbands ARE gay?

Any men that have been through this that would be willing to give me advice?

Actually, I will take any advice at all.

I love him, I don't want to leave him, but I am so scared that I am going to end up with him leaving me anyway for a guy, or that he will have sexual encounters with men without my knowledge.

[12voltman59]

All I can offer is my perspective about bisexuality---I am a single male well into my 40s and have always considered myself as a heterosexual, or at least mostly so.

When I was young (pre-pubescent, teenage and early 20s), I had some sexual encounters with other guys--they were not encounters that I or the other persons sought out to have--they just tended to happen spontaneously due to circumstances that developed at the time--much like the sexual encounters I had with females during that same time frame as well.

Time moved on from those experiences and I put them out of my mind because I was definitely an active heterosexual having relationships and sexual encounters with women only for many years--but----

But, little flashes of desire for sexual encounters with guys sort of kept popping up from time to time----

I resisted those desires for many years and I am now in my 40s and they have grown stronger--while I want to be friends and have some things in common with guys that I might have sex with--what I most desire with them is sex and not a full blown relationship as in where we would become a couple..

One reason I resisted my urges to have sex with other men is because I did not want to be labled as "gay" by friends, family or society at large--something that does seem to be the case when one engages in same gender sexual activity----the mass media tends to be the worst at perpetuating the notion that if you have any sex at all with someone of the same gender--well then--you are gay and there is no ifs, ands or buts about that.

I started searching out sites on the web dealing with bisexuality in earnest late last year and I found this place--thankfully. Thanks to the folks here--I realize that it is possible to love both women and men---that having sex is not an either/or situation...either str8 or gay--no in between.

I can understand your husband's reticence to identify as gay--that label of "gay" that is out there has been one of my biggest reasons I have not really pursued my bisexual side as I would prefer to do----

I have lived in many places in my life with large contingents of gays: Savannah, Ga., the Orlando, Fla area along with Key West and South Florida (Miami/Ft. Lauderdale) and the San Francisco Bay area.

It was from seeing their lifestyles up close that made me say that living a gay lifestyle would not be for me...reasons I will not discuss here.

As far as labeling (whether straight, gay/lesbian/ bisexual) is concerned--this is a topic that comes up on this site frequently and there are as many viewpoints on the matter as there are people who populate this website---

From those discussions--I have come to the conclusion that one should come up with her or his own personal definition of sexual orientation-- a person need not accept the labels of anyone else.

That said--using the basic definition of the term "bisexuality"-- it fits your husband since he has/had sex with both men and women on an apparently nearly equal basis.

I am single as I previously indicated, so at least I do not have to deal with the issue of marital fidelity and such,---for you and your husband that is a vitally important issue--one that those who are married and who deal with this issue can best advise you...

To conclude--I do hope you find that this web site can be of great help in dealing with the issues both you and your husband are going through--I believe the both of you will find it to be most useful and I wish you both the best in your relationship and in life in general---


I just hope my ramble has offered you some insight from one person's perspective that might help you in gaining some insight on this subject... sorry to everyone for having gone on so long though.... :)

[glantern954]

He may have some internal phobias about his attraction or he may have even been molested or raped at some point. He could be a sex addict or even just gets high on anonymous sex.

It sounds like he is in deep denial about his attractions to men and until he admits it to himself he will probably continue to lie to you. If he can't do this on his own, therapy is probably the next step. Go together, and if he wants to go alone don't prevent him. Be sure to get a therapist that acknowledges the existence of bisexuality.

The Bi Resource Center has several great pamphlets (http://www.biresource.org/272) that may help you both.

For yourself, you might want to check out the Straight Spouse Network at http://www.ssnetwk.org.

He is lucky to have someone as supportive as you in his life. If you suspect he is having sex with men I highly suggest you insist on safe sex until things are sorted out.

I wish you all the best on your difficult journey.

[thongman45]

Hi,

As a married bisexual male. I too was in deniel for years before I came out to my wife...I was candid and honest. He needs to be also.
Could you enjoy oral sex from another female? if you are straight, I don't think so. Straight men are the same way...if it aint there...it aint there.
I wish I had better ness for you, or I could help you more.
Thongman45

[Mrs.F]

deremarc,

I am so sorry to hear what your both going through. Your a good woman for trying to learn, understand and deal with what's going on. That is a huge step...I know, I've been there and done that.

Your husband sounds like he is really struggling with his feelings. Having thoughts and desires but afraid of those thoughts and not knowing how to deal with them, afraid to admit what he needs and what he wants because he's afraid of hurting you and afraid of others knowing. Now that you know some of it, you feel hurt because all you want to do is help him, know the truth and I don't think he knows the answers for you yet.

I understand you being very hurt and leaving if he has been with men since he met you and is denying it. I know I would have left also. That is the one thing that I was not going to live with. But he needs you right now to support him, to know that you will be there to love him no matter what. He seems to have alot of soul searching yet to do in trying to understand himself. I really don't know what else to tell you because my husband admitted to me he was bi and had been with men before me (never while we were married...we have been married 10 yrs.) But after the shock wore off that he was bi and he had kept this a secret for so long and was never able to be open with me about it...I felt sorry for him. I felt so bad that he had to hold all that in. And there are still times that I think he's not telling me his true feelings because he's still used to keeping all to himself. I know even though I have accepted him, he still feels deep down that he will hurt me somehow. But the only way he will hurt me is if he doesn't talk to me, tell me, share with me everything. That's what hurts me most.

So just keep telling him that you will love him no matter what...you just want to help him discover who he is and whoever he is, is still your husband and that won't change that. He doesn't need to be afraid to admit how he feels. But maybe counceling would be better..for both of you. Someone that neither of you know and that you and especially him can open up too.

I wish you both the best of luck.
*hugs* ;)

[anne27]

Hello and welcome to the site! You've come to the right place for receving a multitude of varying experiences and opinions.

Years ago while having some martial difficulties, I found a gay porn magazine under the front seat of one of our cars while cleaning it out. For a short period of time, my heart was in pain and my trust in my hubby crushed. I, like you, didn't know what to think. After many long talks (sometimes they turned into arguements), he finally admitted he had an attraction to men. We talked in depth about how he felt and slowly worked our way through the storm. Now some 8 years later, we are happier than we have ever been and more open to each other than the average couple, I believe. When, just a couple of years ago, I discovered my own deeply buried bisexuality, he was there to comfort me and help me though the long nights of self doubt.

I think your hubby is going through self denial and he probably fears the gay or bi label, and no doubt he's afraid. You seem to be a very supportive and understanding person. He is the one who will have to sort out what's going on between his ears, but be sure he knows you won't love him any less regardless. If you need a label, he sounds bi to me :2cents: . But only he can truly make that call.

I wish you both the best of luck. If you need support, feel free to ask around. There's a fantastic bunch of people here and many who have gone through similar incidents.

[Bi-ten]

Hi there,

Here is my humble attempt to answer some of your questions!

Is your husband bi?- Yes, you wouldn't be having such great sex if he was gay!
Do you deserve to know about his activity?- Yes, he is your husband
Do you deserve honesty in your relationship?- Yes, you are a valuable of beautiful person that deserves respect!
Is his desire for same sex relationship strong?- Yes, I have been to squirt, it is not for idle chit chat.
Is he in denial?-No, I think he is afraid to lose you if he is completely honest.
Is he afraid of the gay label?- Absolutely, it is still an unforgiving and sometimes dangerous world for gay men, continue to exercise discretion.

Now what can you do?

You have been trustworthy,accomodating, understanding and willing to help. Now I think its his turn. The therapy idea mentioned earlier is very good...make sure the therapist is gay or bi-friendly.

Remember there are two sides to every relationship... continue on your loving course, but take care of yourself, your heath and your feelings.

God bless,

Bi-ten

[rayosytruenos]

[...]trying to decide whether or not my husband is gay or bisexual. I have found very few places where this is discussed and am sincerely looking for help.

I would love to hear what insight someone who is bisexual can give me.

I was best friends with my husband for 3 years prior to dating, and have now been married to him for a year. I thought I knew him very well. It appears that I do not.

Basically, without going into great detail, I have found gay porn on his computer, he has joined sites, such as squirt, which is a site for guys to hook up with other guys. He also has chatted with other guys and has had cybersex which was left as a record in his archives. (I found this all out after we were married, but all of this happened before the marriage.)

Now, since I have found out this information, all I find is gay porn, or sometimes he will join a "gay" site for chat. As soon as I find out about this, he stops and tells me he loves me, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.

[...] He adamantly denied everything at first. Only when presented with facts, in the manner of computer archives, did he come clean. He then swore that all of this was in the past. That this guy was just someone he used to talk to, before we were married.
Hi!

Welcome to the site, and I wish it could have been in happier circumstances...

You seem to be a very nice and loving person and wife, so your husband is really very lucky to have you for a wife, willing to adapt/accept many things to keep the relationship working!!!

By far, you have already received quite good advice. I'll try to add my own thoughts for your consideration.

I think of myself as a bisexual, although I hate labels, but it seems easier to understand and explain things with labels...

I know of many gays that have been married for years, even having children, but reached a moment in their lives when they decided the lives they were living were just a bunch of lies and came out as gays... Actually one nice guy I met, he told me that he has been married 4 times, he even has a 7 years old son, and he has come out as gay, considering himself exclusively as gay now... and he's only 28!!!

I guess that if you are really that understanding and loving, you are more worried for him to be gay than for him to be bisexual, being gay meaning that he's just using you as a shield against the gossip and possible consequences if he's known to be gay (and you'd feel betrayed and used) while it seems that if he were bisexual, you could even consider the possibility of a threesome.

I know Squirt. He could use Squirt not to hook up with other guys, but to read the stories told by the members, to check the pics or to have chats...
I actually enjoyed the stories and although I've chatted with some guys there, I've never hooked up with any of them. Nevertheless I've got used the information of hook-up places to satisfy my high sex drive.

When you say, you've seen his chats, I imagine he has saved his chat sessions and you have had access to them...

At first, I thought he had those encounters in the past, before meeting you, but later in your post you seem to imply that he's gone back to check up these sites...

If he still goes back to these sites, I don't think he's completely straight. It seems he has still these feelings, urges, thoughts... But nevertheless, for what you say, he seems to enjoy your sexual encounters, so it makes me think that he is bisexual.

Due to the conservative community where you live in, I think it's normal for him to deny/be afraid of accepting/revealing his true feelings. He probably is also afraid of your reaction (no matter what you say to him, he cannot be sure of what REALLY is going to happen, if he admits it to you).

I have just remembered a dear friend here on this site, whose wife suddenly decided that his feelings were wrong and that he was a pervert (many bisexuals and gays have to suffer such stigma) and that she was not going to let him live with their children... (I have to say, to be fair, that this is more or less HIS account of the facts, because although his still then wife also posted here, she never denied or afirmed those comments).



He finally admitted that before we were a couple he had very casual sex encounters with men. The kind where you hook up on a site and just meet for sex. (And, I know so little about this subject, that I am sure I will come off as silly...but he only recieved head from guys or was the "top"...does this make a difference in things? He says that he would never perform oral sex on a guy or have anything in his bum. He says he doesn't want a relationship with a guy. I am so confused. In my opinion, sexual orientation is about being sexually attracted to a member of the same sex...not about who does what to whom.)

[...]

He also told me that it was just a quick and easy blowjob. That he is highly sexed, and that sex in our small community was hard to come by. Again, this sounds plausible, to a degree. Would a truly straight guy get a blow job from a guy if no one would know? I expect so. But, if he is now having lots of great sex with me, then he would no longer be looking to guys for that, right?

And, as far as the sex goes, we have sex all the time, sometimes several times a day. We both give and seem to enjoy giving oral sex, i enjoy anal sex as much as he does, he pays attention to my breasts...which all makes me think he must be bi, and not gay...otherwise the sex with me would not be great right?

[...] I understand how difficult it would be for him to come out, given the small, conservative, religious area in which we live. I am not asking that he bare his soul to the world, just to me.

Yes, it could be true what he says... I started just letting them giving me a hand job, refusing when they tried to give me head... And yes, I didn't have that much sex with girls (maybe I lack the technique, confidence, appeal, etc. to pull them as often and quickly as I wished) while with guys, going to a public toilet or park, rubbing my penis through my trousers and there you go, I quickly have some volunteers to release my stress... lol

Yeah, there are lots of stories about being top, not giving head or receiving up your bum, but just receiving head and maybe giving it up somebody else's bum... I think that's just a way of denial... You are having sex with another person of your own sex, so you are involved in a homosexual act (homo=same, sexual=sex). Then you can have preferences: not liking kisses or whatever turns you on or off, but I think that can also be applied to heterosexual sex...

There are plenty of public toilets where (having glory holes or not) you can see a very common slogan: "having your cock sucked doesn't make you gay, meet me here at XX:XX today." So I'm not sure, if really straight guys would go for it. I met a guy in a cruising area once, and he stopped to check me out and started to tell me that he was straight, but that he liked to go with transexuals, but that HE DEFINATELY WAS NOT GAY, and that he found funny to fuck a "girl" (his words, not mine) with tits and dick. He suddenly asked me if my dick was big, and I said to him why he didn't check by himself... He did, and he was sucking my dick in less than 5 minutes, and he wouldn't have stopped if a police car wouldn't have appeared...

I consider myself "top" also, and my encounters have gone further and further... From the hand jobs I received, I later let them give me head also, and later on, I acceded to their petitions and started to give it to them up their bums...

From being completely passive on the other way, I conceded to give them a hand, and I guess with the right person I could enjoy giving head, kissing and not sure, but maybe I would even try taking it up the ass...

Every person is different, but that has been my evolution and experimentation with the gay side of my bisexuality...


I don't think that being bi or gay, makes you more likely to cheat. If you are a cheater, you are no matter what your orientation may be. I do think, though, that if my husband desires sex with men, that is a need I can't fulfill or compete with. I do think he would be more likely to cheat with a man, than with a woman.

Our biggest problem, is that he lies about what he does, and hides everything. I would love to have an open honest discussion about this whole issue. I understand him being afraid to do that, but I have told him (and shown him) over and over again, that I love and respect him no matter what.

[...]

I have even told him that if he does have this desire for men, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, we will deal with it. I have told him I would be willing to do threesomes with him and another man. That as long as I know and he uses protection with other people, then we can probably work it out. [...]
I agree with you 100%. "I don't think that being bi or gay, makes you more likely to cheat. If you are a cheater, you are no matter what your orientation may be. " And also, I think that gay part of him cannot be completely fulfilled by you, but there are couples, even in here, in this site, where they have found some ways to deal with it, like the wives wearing strap-ons to fill their husbands desires to have a penis up their bums...

I just wish both of you all the best. Maybe he needs more time to open up to you. Show him once and again that he can trust you till he really realizes that you are a truly genuine loving caring wife.

ray :male:

[JohnnyV]

Dear Deremarc,

Please forgive me for not having read all of your original post. I wanted to offer some encouragement, but I am in a rush today and didn't have time to take it all in.

Since I haven't heard your husband's side of the story, I would be hesitant to make any judgment or conclusion about his actions. The one thing I would suggest is this: Forget the labels. Pretend, for a moment, that your husband is actually GAY. Oh my God! What a horror! Okay, now, let the shock wear off. What if your husband is gay but he treats you well, loves you, cares for your children, and supports you more than any other man you've ever met?

When you get hung up on the labels, sometimes you start thinking in gigantic generalities while missing the specific details right in front of you. Let's be specific and proportional. It sounds to me like your husband likes gay porn and gets off on chatting with guys in cyberspace. I do too. I am married but I love phone sex and I think gay porn is incredibly hot, the raunchier the better. In real life, however, I don't get much pleasure from being with men, other than a fleeting thrill at doing something so wild and totally forbidden. I love talking and joking about anal sex but I don't do it in real life. Fantasy life and real life are often very different.

Let me tell you a secret: My wife and I talked about my fantasies and she told me, "go and do it. You'll find out very quickly what a nightmare most men are, and you'll forget the whole thing." I went out looking for wild times and quickly found that most men available to me were sleazy, unattractive, mean, and lousy in bed. Within a few months I was telling my wife never to give me such freedom again.

If your husband were given free reign to do (safely) whatever he wanted, my suspicion is that (1) the forbidden fruit would start to get boring, (2) he'd realize how valuable it is to have someone stable and committed like you, (3) these fantasies would sputter and eventually become harmless diversions lessening over time.

This is just one other angle on the issue; you've gotten lots of good angles from other folks on here. I hope it all works out well. You sound like a wonderful lady and your husband would be crazy to jeopardize that for a few flings in cyberspace; but it also might not be the right move for you jeopardize what you have with him, over a few flings in cyberspace. Keep taking deep breaths, be specific when you think about this, and try to keep things in proportion.

J

[deremarc]

First, I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply. I can't believe how much better I feel just actually being able to talk about this.

I do worry more about my husband being in the closet, and eventually coming out as gay, much more than I do him being bi, although I still am a little worried about that too.

My aunt/uncle were married for almost 20 yrs before my uncle came out that he was gay. It was such a devestating situation for all involved. Although I am pleased to say that it eventually ended well! (even with that, it is not a situation I would have chosen for myself). We all adored his new boyfriend, and my aunt and uncle remained very close friends (he has since passed away).

I do think my husband is worried about how we will work out or if I will stop loving him if he is honest. And, honestly I think I am very understanding now, but it was quite difficult in the beginning. I am evolving over time. I didn't react this way when I first found out about it. I still didn't judge him, but I know he could tell it really wigged me out. I felt quite blindsided. He keeps remembering how i felt several months ago, and I said that I have changed, that it was such a shock then, but that may play into his worries as well. (although there is no way to go back and undo the past)

I (think) I said in my post that we don't communicate well about this. Well, yesterday was the first day I ever reached out to anyone, and I was responding to a pm today from someone on here and he asked what it was, and I told him. At first he seemed to feel betrayed or exposed that I would talk about it to anyone, BUT he did end up asking to read what you guys had to say, and although he is still rather quiet, I have hope for at least being able to get it out in the open.

I think he has felt very alone in our community, and was relieved to find responses from people saying he is OKAY, that he is not deviant or wrong or whatever it is people seem to think here. Although he still wasn't very open, and did not really respond to me about what he read, he did at least want to read it...

And we did have a heart to heart,(still not him talking much, but at least being receptive). It was a very draining one for both of us. And he has finally (!) admitted that he does this because he likes it...and I asked if he would like to continue to watch gay porn and possibly "cruise" through the sites, not actually chatting but looking. (without the need to hide it or lie about it..totally in the open and okay by me). Although he still says he doesn't want permission to actually hook up with guys if the opportunity arose (which is what I would think sites like Squirt are basically for...but oh, well...one step at a time) and this is a huge step for us, and one that I really thought I wanted.

As with everything else in life, I have conflicting emotions tonight. I'm relieved, that at least for now, it is out in the open. But, he ended up feeling depressed and bad at the end of the conversation, (although I did too actually). It may be the next phase in dealing with this for us. I had the goal of getting him to open up as this big destination, and now that we are here, I ended up thinking OMG, we still have such a long way to go.

I asked him if he truly knows I love him, no matter what, and he said yes, he does. And, he finally listened to me...about what scares/worries me, and about how this makes me feel, and he listened without becoming defensive or angry which is a step as well.

I think going here, and reading your comments, has caused a breakthrough of sorts. We will see how it goes.

Would love to chat with some of you again sometime.

Good night!

[Brian]

Welcome deremarc and hubby!

I started a big long response to your original post before reading your second post and all the quality advice given to date. So delete, delete, delete. :) I'm so glad that things are out in the open and that the experiences and advice of the many people here has helped.

I will just add this useful link for you and your husband... I think you will find this link very helpful in addition to the resources and advice you will find here: http://www.ssnetwk.org/ From everything I have heard, the Straight Spouse Network is a top-notch support organization.

Also a little bit of advice for your husband if I may; he may realize this already, or maybe not. In your original post you said:
I am so scared that I am going to end up with him leaving me anyway for a guy It's my understanding that this is by far the number one fear of women when discovering their husband is bi (and forever afterword). It's very important for married bi men to understand this, and to reinforce often with their wives that they have no intention of leaving (assuming that is the case). For many married bi men the attraction to other men is just sexual ("boys will be boys"), and it, in no way, gives them thoughts of leaving their marriage. Married bi men need to reinforce often with their wives that they aren't going anywhere.

Best of luck to the both of you on your ongoing journey of love and discovery.

- Drew :paw:

[csrakate]

Thank you for saying that Drew...as a spouse of a bisexual man...it took me many years to realize that he wasn't going anywhere...that he was fully capable of loving and wanting me...It is so very important for the bi spouse to understand that sometimes we need to hear that!

Hugs,
Kate

[jedinudist]

I was best friends with my husband for 3 years prior to dating, and have now been married to him for a year. I thought I knew him very well. It appears that I do not.

Basically, without going into great detail, I have found gay porn on his computer, he has joined sites, such as squirt, which is a site for guys to hook up with other guys. He also has chatted with other guys and has had cybersex which was left as a record in his archives. (I found this all out after we were married, but all of this happened before the marriage.)

Now, since I have found out this information, all I find is gay porn, or sometimes he will join a "gay" site for chat. As soon as I find out about this, he stops and tells me he loves me, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.

I have always believed that everyone is entitled to their privacy. I am now going against what I believe, and snooping on him. What tipped me off, was we were at his computer looking at stuff together, when a chat im showed up from a guy. I x'd it out several times, but the guy kept sending im's. The last one I did read and the im referenced anal sex.

I found this a few month's into our marriage. He is truly a great guy. Fun loving, sweet, considerate, smart and great to my kids. I love him wholeheartedly.

For some reason, he chose not to reveal this to you. Yes, everyone is entitled to their privacy, however; a spouse is entitled to complete and honest disclosure. It may be that he is unsuccesfully struggling to resist or repress this part of himself, hoping (as I did) that it will "fade away" now that he is married.


The conversations we have had about this are extremely painful and gutwrenching for both of us. He adamantly denied everything at first. Only when presented with facts, in the manner of computer archives, did he come clean. He then swore that all of this was in the past. That this guy was just someone he used to talk to, before we were married.

He finally admitted that before we were a couple he had very casual sex encounters with men. The kind where you hook up on a site and just meet for sex. (And, I know so little about this subject, that I am sure I will come off as silly...but he only recieved head from guys or was the "top"...does this make a difference in things? He says that he would never perform oral sex on a guy or have anything in his bum. He says he doesn't want a relationship with a guy. I am so confused. In my opinion, sexual orientation is about being sexually attracted to a member of the same sex...not about who does what to whom.)

He gave me many conflicting reasons for the fact that he had sexual encounters with men. He said at one point he thought he might be gay, he tried the lifestyle and found out he wasn't. I could accept that, if he didn't continually go back to "guys" as we call it in our household (because we dare not call it gay or bi...he flips out). If he found out he wasn't gay, I would have thought that would have been the end of it.

He also told me that it was just a quick and easy blowjob. That he is highly sexed, and that sex in our small community was hard to come by. Again, this sounds plausible, to a degree. Would a truly straight guy get a blow job from a guy if no one would know? I expect so. But, if he is now having lots of great sex with me, then he would no longer be looking to guys for that, right?

Although some would argue the point of view, I think a purely heterosexual man would absolutely not participate in sex with another man. He did say that at one point he thought he might be gay, this would indicate that he has at least some curiosity and/or desire for sex with another man. Although I have been bisexual all my life, at one point I thought my desire to be with another guy made me gay even though I am still attracted to women as well. Adamantly denying may be a way for him to resist facing his orientation, which can be very hard to do. Very hard.


And, as far as the sex goes, we have sex all the time, sometimes several times a day. We both give and seem to enjoy giving oral sex, i enjoy anal sex as much as he does, he pays attention to my breasts...which all makes me think he must be bi, and not gay...otherwise the sex with me would not be great right?

Based on what you're saying, my guess if I had to make one would be Bisexual. He keeps returning to guys (at least online) however sex between the two of you being great speaks for itself as well.


I don't think that he has actually had physical contact with guys since this came out. What I do know, is that we will fight when I found out he has been active again, and I will threaten to leave him if he can't be honest and talk about it with me, and he will say that it is over. But, give it a few months, and we are right back where we started.

I understand how difficult it would be for him to come out, given the small, conservative, religious area in which we live. I am not asking that he bare his soul to the world, just to me.

First of all, and please do not take this the wrong way, you mention that he visits "hook-up" sites. Please be careful with your health. For whatever reason, he seems to be struggling with this, and people who are struggling like that sometimes do not think clearly about the possible consequences of what they are doing.

And as his spouse, you should expect him to be able to bare his soul to you, and you should do likewise. Spouses must give and receive 100% honesty with each other- about everything both good and bad. It's not always pleasant, but it really strengthens the relationship. My wife and I know that we can tell each other anything, and we do! It has made an incredible difference in our marriage. That trust has to be there.


I don't think that being bi or gay, makes you more likely to cheat. If you are a cheater, you are no matter what your orientation may be. I do think, though, that if my husband desires sex with men, that is a need I can't fulfill or compete with. I do think he would be more likely to cheat with a man, than with a woman. I am straight myself, but I know if I were "forced" by society to have a relationship with a woman, I would be very likely to cheat on her with a man, simply because she would not be able to fulfill those very basic needs and desires of mine.

I think that the potential for him to cheat, if he desires men is great. I don't worry about him with other women. We have an awesome sex life, we connect emotionally and intellectually. Most affairs with the opposite sex, are for sex or connection. I think sex with men would go beyond that for him, and just be something he needs because of who he is.

Our biggest problem, is that he lies about what he does, and hides everything. I would love to have an open honest discussion about this whole issue. I understand him being afraid to do that, but I have told him (and shown him) over and over again, that I love and respect him no matter what.

The problem is I don't know if he is bi or what. He says he is NOT GAY! It makes him so angry to discuss it. He blames me for him repeatedly going back and joining those sites...he says it is because I don't trust him. Or, if I find something on the computer (which he is very very good at hiding now), he says it was just habit. Continual excuses, because, of course, it is NOT because he wants sex with men.

IMHO - this is serious and needs to be addressed. I'm guessing, but it looks like he might be struggling with his own identity and because of what society, religion, etc., has told him to think about gays and bisexuals, he is doing everything he can to resist identifying himself with "those people". The lies, both to you and to himself must stop!

How does he feel about couceling both alone and for the two of you?


I have even told him that if he does have this desire for men, and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, we will deal with it. I have told him I would be willing to do threesomes with him and another man. That as long as I know and he uses protection with other people, then we can probably work it out.

I am desperately seeking information. I would like to hear stories from men who hid their orientation from their wives or girlfriend and maybe finally came out. Is it inevitable that he will want a man eventually? Is this desire so strong that he will "slip" and end up having sex with another man if the opportunity arises?

What can I, as his wife, do to help him? If he is truly attracted to men, he must be miserable. And, I know he is miserable sometimes, he will get very depressed. Living a lie will do that to you.

That is a very loving and difficult offer to make, congrats on making it. However, you need to be able to trust him and know he is being totally honest with you before anything like that happens.

If he is indeed bisexual (a determination that he must make and accept for himself), then repressing it and living a lie will make him miserable - and you by extension!


I think I am understanding and easy to talk to. I would never betray him to anyone else. I would still love him no matter what.

I just think that I deserve to know what kind of relationship I am actually in, so that I can make my own choices on whether to stay or go. And I also need to know that I can trust him, that he will be honest with me. Because right now, I am so worried about it and so upset. I worry that if he hides the fact that he watches gay porn (which I would willingly watch with him or not mind him doing as long as he didn't treat it as a dirty little secret) and hides the fact that he joins gay chat sites, that it is a little bitty step to hiding meeting men for sex.

Once, when he was depressed, he told me that he thought I would make him a better person, that I could save him from his bad side. I truly think he may be bi, or homosexual, and this is what he wanted me to "save" him from.

I think that it is something he doesn't want in his life, but he cannot escape it because the desire is so strong.

I truly want to help him. I wish he would open up to me. I want to see him happy. And, I also want to see myself happy too.

I don't want to be the wife who is being duped. I think honesty and trust are vital to any relationship. But, I also understand why he may not feel he can be honest with me. Or, maybe he doesn't want to be honest with himself?

Is there anyone out there that can tell me how to approach him? How to deal with this situation? Are there support groups for women that don't know...as opposed to groups for women whose husbands ARE gay?

Any men that have been through this that would be willing to give me advice?

Actually, I will take any advice at all.

I love him, I don't want to leave him, but I am so scared that I am going to end up with him leaving me anyway for a guy, or that he will have sexual encounters with men without my knowledge.

You do have the right to know what kind of relationship you are in. But he must first cope with his identity before either of you will know.

Realize that you are a wonderful and caring person to be doing all this; i.e.- seeking advice and help instead of bailing out on him.

The hiding stuff is a bad sign. It has to stop. No ifs, ands, or butts. You have a right to expect total honesty, and especially now, you need it. Both of you do. Be as calm as possible, show him how much you love him, and lay down a single law to start with - HONESTY. Total, pure, and complete. Nothing less. No hiding anything from each other at all. Then let him get used to that. It will help him address his issues with being honest with himself.

There are some great women on here who are heterosexual and married to a bisexual man. They can offer advice from the wife's point of view

[deremarc]

So far he won't agree to counseling..to do so would be to admit that there is something to "counsel".

Last night was a breathrough of sorts. I pushed a bit after he read the posts. And while he didn't say much, I said you watch gay porn and visit gay chat sites, and have enjoyed sex with men...and you do this because you like it, you're attracted. And he finally stopped the excuses and said yes, but it was painful and he was sad, and I fully expect him to retract this at some point. (such is the roller coaster we are on).

I should clarify something that seemed confusing to me...and I wrote it!

Due to him never admitting that he actually likes guys, he would hide everything he did on the internet and swear up and down that he is as straight as they come. So, we had this lie that we were both living with. Did he keep going back to the sites? Yes. Did he ever admit it? No.

If "caught" he would say it was just habit, that he doesn't know why he does it, that he doesn't want to have sex with guys, that he is not attracted to men, and on and on with the bs.

So, my offer last night that he watch gay porn and whatever else he needs (not including actual human contact at this point) and that he is able to do this openly was a big one.

I think it sounded strange for me to say that I offered him this, after I said that it would be okay before.

What made it NOT okay, was not that I had a problem with gay porn, I just had a problem with the lies and everything that went along with it. The lack of communication, the hiding.

He is very adept at hiding things on the computer, he doesn't just delete his history, he has tools to erase history, to warn him of spyware or keyloggers.

I just wanted this lie to stop. I want it out so we can deal with it. And I want to know that I can trust him.

I asked last night if he wanted to have permission to meet men, and he said no.

I also broached the subject of condoms from now on until I know I can trust him. That went over like a lead balloon. He swears he is practicing monogamy with me.

I also asked him to tell me exactly what he intended to do...what sites or actions on the internet, and then I asked if I could put a keylogger on his computers (both his home one and the laptop he takes when he is away to work). That also causes problems, he is gone for 2 days with work, and then home for two. And, I know the chance to meet a guy where he goes for work is great.

I have told him I would like to put the keyloggers on and that my trust will have to be re-earned. And that honesty HAS to happen. And that him being bi won't cause me to leave, but if I find out that he is lying about things he does that are of a sexual nature, (for instance chatting, planning hookups etc) then I am out. I think I have a right to know where things stand.

I don't know if that is too hard of a line to draw, but I think if he wants actual contact with a real person (chat or otherwise) it needs to be something that is negotiated between the two of us.

[rayosytruenos]

So far he won't agree to counseling..to do so would be to admit that there is something to "counsel".

Hi again!

Well, this situation has brought some problems to your relationship, so I think THERE IS something that can be dealt with counselling.

Maybe he is reluctant to it, because it means probably going both of you together, and if he is not very happy at telling his own feelings, thoughts to you in private, why do you think he is going to be happier doing it in front of a stranger?

Maybe he could accept it, if he can do it on his own, counselling about the strain this situation has brought to your relationship... Maybe he could even refrain to tell the counsellor that the situation is men-related, but he could tell that he has some sexual feelings, urges, etc. with other people, till he finds himself reassured to admit to the counsellor his cravings for sex with other men.

But you have to keep in mind that perhaps you are forcing him too much, too quickly... Everyone is different, so he could be finding that you are pushing him too much, putting too much pressure on him. He could need to go at his own pace, and by what you have said, he seems to have already difficulties to admit it even to himself!


Last night was a breathrough of sorts. I pushed a bit after he read the posts. And while he didn't say much, I said you watch gay porn and visit gay chat sites, and have enjoyed sex with men...and you do this because you like it, you're attracted. And he finally stopped the excuses and said yes [...] he would hide everything he did on the internet and swear up and down that he is as straight as they come. So, we had this lie that we were both living with. Did he keep going back to the sites? Yes. Did he ever admit it? No.

If "caught" he would say it was just habit, that he doesn't know why he does it, that he doesn't want to have sex with guys, that he is not attracted to men, and on and on with the bs.

At least he has admitted that he likes gay porn and that he enjoys sex with men. Therefore he should realize he cannot swear up and down that he is as straight as they come... If there is supposedly a "straight" guy looking just for quick sex and release, he wouldn't wander hours and hours in gay porn sites, but just would go to hook-up sites and fix a date to have his release...

A habit? Hmmm... I would call a habit an action like shaving yourself while you are having a bath, or reading a few pages just before sleeping... that sort of things.

Going back again and again to a gay site is not because it's a habit, it's just simply because you like it!


So, my offer last night that he watch gay porn and whatever else he needs (not including actual human contact at this point) and that he is able to do this openly was a big one.

[...] I just had a problem with the lies and everything that went along with it. The lack of communication, the hiding.

He is very adept at hiding things on the computer, he doesn't just delete his history, he has tools to erase history, to warn him of spyware or keyloggers.

I just wanted this lie to stop. I want it out so we can deal with it. And I want to know that I can trust him.

I know that you want and have the right to know what's going on and that you can trust him, but perhaps he sees this, like if you were treating him like a kid... telling him what he can and what he cannot do, asking for permission about certain things... It could be difficult for his ego to accept all this new situation, although he has also to understand that it has been he who has put that strain on your relationship, and that due to his previous lies and denials, it's normal for you not to trust him 100%, and that that trust has to be regained and rebuilt once again...

Has he been always so reserved? Is he also reserved in other aspects of his life? I've always thought that communication is the main factor to make any relationship work... and it's not only in a couple, but in a job, at the university, everywhere... It's only with the communication that the true understanding can develop, it's only with the communication that you can understand his reasons, his thoughts, his fears, his feelings, his doubts, his urges. Of course this communication has to be a two-way thing, you have to tell him also what's going on with you... your fears, your anger, your difficulty in understanding what's he's going through, your own hurt and feelings, your feelings of being betrayed and lied, your fear of losing him...

At least, I think it's a big and important step that you are at least trying to communicate, even if it is that hard for both of you!


I asked last night if he wanted to have permission to meet men, and he said no.

I also broached the subject of condoms from now on until I know I can trust him. [...]

I have told him I would like to put the keyloggers on and that my trust will have to be re-earned. And that honesty HAS to happen. And that him being bi won't cause me to leave, but if I find out that he is lying about things he does that are of a sexual nature, (for instance chatting, planning hookups etc) then I am out. I think I have a right to know where things stand.

I don't know if that is too hard of a line to draw, but I think if he wants actual contact with a real person (chat or otherwise) it needs to be something that is negotiated between the two of us.

I do understand that he could have got upset for your request of using condoms, but he also has to understand that due to his previous lies and denial, you cannot be sure if he is really telling you the truth now... He has to understand that once the trust is lost, it has to be earned again, bit by bit. You cannot just say "Ok, I lied to you, but I won't do it again!" He has to show you that he really meant it, that it is actually happening, and that you are going to believe him more and more, as time goes by and you see that he is really telling the truth, but he cannot expect from you to accept straightaway he is 100% trustworthy again.

Again I wish both of you all the best,

ray :male:

[12voltman59]

Hello again--as Rayostruenos said above--this situation is causing problems in your relationship and even if he may want to deny it---this needs to be dealt with so marital/relationship counseling is definitely in order--

As someone noted--you should seek out a therapist who specializes in dealing with situations such as yours--you folks are not alone---your husband should go back into the forumn pages and read past threads posted by people in situations similar to yours--you both may find something of us there.

Please do consider going to counseling--I hope your husband will consider it....

[deremarc]

I don't want to treat him like a kid. I just wanted him to know that is okay if he watches the porn or whatever, that he doesn't have to hide it.

The keylogger was his suggestion a few months ago, but he didn't really want to follow through. It was said more in anger at being mistrusted than in an honest attempt to earn back my trust...I have told him he can have a keylogger on my computer as well. He gets so angry when he thinks I don't trust him. He says people are entitled to privacy. And I agree. I don't go through anyone's (my ex's, my kids, anyone else) private things.

But I told him that privacy is great. And that everyone needs it. But, not when it is used as a cover to hide something from someone that you love that could be hurt by it and has the right to know. He did agree that he has been playing that card to his advantage, wanting to have me feel guilty for invasion of privacy, so that he can hide these things from me.

The reason for wanting the keylogger is I am scared that when he lies about so many other things, that he may lie about actually using the sites to meet men (especially when out of town.) Lies just undermine trust so much...you reason that if they lie about this and this and this, how do you know what else they lie about?

He is not a bad communicator at all. We are truly best friends, we discuss everything else well. It is only this that is causing us problems. And I feel badly about saying anything negative about him. I truly feel blessed to have found him...he is such a great guy in every other aspect.

And, I have told him everything I have disclosed to the forum. He knows how I feel. Although last night (was it last night? these couple of days have felt like weeks), he asked why I would tell strangers about him. And I said because I am scared and I started crying (which i very rarely do). And I think for once he saw how true that was.

I don't mean to push him too far, too fast. I guess to me this last year that we have been dallying around the edges of this, seem like forever. I know it is not in the scheme of discovering yourself. And, maybe, before me, this was not an issue. He did it, felt good or bad about it, and then maybe waited and then did it again at some point. I don't think it was such a struggle to stop, because it didn't really matter one way or the other. He was only dealing with himself.

He focuses on why he is bad for what he wants and on trying to stop. I wish he would just accept himself for who he is. A great friend, a warmhearted, generous, loving man who is smart and funny and great fun to be around, and who is very generous and giving---who happens to be attracted to men as well as women.

Not saying that would end our problems. Would I be able to handle sharing him? If it comes to that, and I need to..I sure hope so.

Thanks again for all of your advice!

[Mrs.F]

Gosh, I feel so bad for both of you. YOU are a wonderful person for doing what your doing. You've done so much..offered him an out, offered him freedom, offered to stand by his side. Yet he still feels like he's all alone in this world. He just has NO idea how many people feel the same way he does. And it would just be so much easier if he would just visit here and see how many others are just like him. There is a way to deal with this, there is a way to be open and honest and fulfil your needs and desires. But like many said above...the lying and hiding and no honesty has got to stop. You can't live like that forever...it will destroy you and him and your relationship.

I really don't have more advice then what's already been said...I just feel bad that you both have to go through this the way you are. I wish you best of luck and *hugs* to you for being a wonderful wife! :bigrin:

[Herbwoman39]

He focuses on why he is bad for what he wants and on trying to stop. I wish he would just accept himself for who he is. A great friend, a warmhearted, generous, loving man who is smart and funny and great fun to be around, and who is very generous and giving---who happens to be attracted to men as well as women.

If only it were so simple to love someone into accepting themselves. When I first came out to my husband I was stark raving terrified. I wanted to keep it a secret at first. Heck, I wanted it to go AWAY at first. I honestly wanted to pretend like it never happened and I was just imagining things.

It takes a great deal of courage to admit to one's self that you are gay or bisexual. It takes even MORE courage to admit it to someone else. Mind you I am in NO way condoning your husband's behavior. I'm just saying that it's perfectly understandable.

Comming out takes time. I've only been out to myself for 18 months. My husband, children and best friend know. My best friend didn't talk to me much for about 4 months and still only talks to me sporatically now. I'm still working up the courage to come out to my parents.

Give him time. He'll come out to you when he's realized that it's safe.

[canuckotter]

What are your husband's reasons for not wanting to admit his sexuality? Is it a moral objection, or a religious objection, or just a social stigma? If you knew what actually worried him about admitting the truth, you might be in a better position to calm his fears.

[deremarc]

I really don't know what his reason is.

Process of elimination...

I don't think it is religious...he was raised Catholic, but does not attend church and is not a very religious man. He doesn't hold with the Bible telling you what is right and wrong. I know this from many other types of conversations we have had. But, he does have some strong feelings about religion, he hates the hypocrisy that so many "church goers" have.

Moral objection....He says he thinks he is "wrong", "deviant" "bad". He makes these comments in the middle of conversations about this isse, but doesn't even discuss what he thinks of homosexuals in general, but I don't think he has moral objections to very many things that people do.

I know he felt so badly about himself in high school that he attempted suicide...when I asked why..he gave me those reasons above, just that he was bad, he hated himself. He has never said he did that because of this issue, just a total feeling about himself. He was raised by a very strict, demanding, unloving, abusive mother...I think he could use counseling for this issue alone.

I feel as if it is more the social stigma. What people would think. I think if he were living in a different place, he wouldn't feel as badly about it.

Until we are able to talk a little more openly I don't know how to know that.

One time he said he knew the things he wanted were bad, that he was a pervert. I asked him why he thought it was bad, and he said it is. I'm not like other people. (this comes up in relation to the guy thing and in relation to him wanting threesomes etc). He said that it's bad because people say it is.

He thinks that I am "right" and the way a person should be. I told him I am the way a person should be...because I am who I am. And there is not just ONE way a person should be. There are a lot of people like me, and a lot of people like him, and a lot of people who are different from both of us. (and quite more people than you would think that are pretending to be "right" that aren't being true to themselves.) That none of us are "right" or "wrong", we just ARE. To me it is part of who you are, the way you were born. Am I wrong because I am a brunette in a predominately blond community? I'm different than others, but not wrong.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say it is about what people think, more than religous reasons, or a personal moral objection.

And I don't know much about "coming out", but I would think if he didn't want anyone to know, and wanted to stay married to me, he could be honest with me, but no one else need know. I think the only people that would need to know, would be the people you choose to include in your sex life.

Again, I ramble and really don't know much. I apologize for the long posts guys, but I want to really give a clear picture of where we are.

I really appreciate all of the great advice I have received and the people who have reached out to try and help us. I am so happy I found this site.

[todd950]

He has to come to the point that he can open up to you. Just let him know you are there. Maybe he is bi and he gets off on the net. That may be a vent for him. I know some of what you are going through. I have bi thoughts allot but I have a hard time talking with my wife about it; she is very judgmental about it and doesn't want to understand what I feel. You sound different so let him know you are there and fuck his brains out any chance you can. Explore his body in all places. Show him what you can do physically, mentally, and spiritually. I had the big question on gay. I know I am not but I do have a lot of sexual thoughts on men and woman. They are purely sexual and I still want to sleep with her in bed and yes I want to do more with her.
Best of luck!

[Tsbaby]

I got into a realationship with a great gut. When he moved the kids and I in I was very happy. One day while sitting in the bedroom with his face buried in a pillow(because he felt ashamed) told me that he enjoys anal sex. That an old girlfriend introduced him to with toys and that he liked the way it feels. He thought telling me this would make me run for the hills. Believe it or not I was ok with it. I turned to him and told him to look at me (took me a bit but he finally did) and preceeded to tell him that there are a lot of men out there that enjoy the feel of anal sex but are so afraid to say anything because of how their family, friends or society thinks. I also told him that it is fine with me and that I would love to be part of that with him. It took some time but he let me try it with him. We have been together 2 years and there are still times he gets embarassed with it. I think it's great. I desided to take things further since he has never been with a guy and found one and invited him into our bedroom. And I am so glad that I did. It was great and I enjoy it. I encourage us to find people that are open minded ans enjoy a little fun in there lives. We live a normal life . But when the kids go to bed our time is ours. Maybe you just need to make him feel comfortable about the topic and then maybe things will be easier for him to talk to you about. You just have to keep an open mind.

[canuckotter]

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say it is about what people think, more than religous reasons, or a personal moral objection.
If that's the case, then it's harder to deal with. The truth is, a lot of people do still think that being anything other than completely vanilla straight means you're a terrible person. :( It does depend on where you live though... Around here, it's not generally a big deal. In the town I grew up in... Well, I don't think I'll ever be out there. ;)

All I can suggest is that what society thinks is irrelevant if they don't know. Admitting the truth to himself and to you doesn't mean he has to shout it from the rooftops. He is who he is, and he sounds like he is (for the most part) a fantastic guy. Kinda silly for him to be ashamed of being a great guy. :)

If you think it'd help, and if he's willing to go for it, I'd be happy to talk to him a bit to give him my experiences of being a married, monogamous bisexual guy. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a shrink, I'm just a random bi guy who might understand some of what he's going through and have some experience to share.

[deremarc]

If you think it'd help, and if he's willing to go for it, I'd be happy to talk to him a bit to give him my experiences of being a married, monogamous bisexual guy. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a shrink, I'm just a random bi guy who might understand some of what he's going through and have some experience to share. (sorry about the cut and paste..how on earth do you get someone else's comments to show up?)

canuckotter...I would love to have him talk to you. I wouldn't mind chatting with you sometime too. I would like to know how you deal with being bisexual and still are monogamous...I actually posted another thread about that subject...how someone deals with their urges basically.

He is out of town for a few days, but when he gets back I will see if he wants to read the rest of the posts, and maybe get in touch with you.

Thanks :)

[m1steriousjo]

jumping in with a reply people have given alot of good advice as they always do. all i can say as i am in a similar position is to offer your support but you need to consider your self . talk when he is comfortable . hope your situation eases and you find some piece of mind

[12voltman59]

Deremarc--to get the text from someone else's post--hit the quote button that appears at the bottom right of each posting...

[tinman714]

Hello Deremarc,

Welcome to the site. I was in a similar situation while I was married. While I never actually hooked up with other guys, the desire was there fairly often, and I looked at alot of gay and /or bi porn. I participated in alot of chat rooms and frequented all the websites. My marraige wound up ending for different reasons entirely, and I now get to experiment with my sexuality while I figure things out with-out all the hiding. The first thing that came to mind as I read your post was that no one here can help you say what needs to be said any better than you already say it in you post. Maybe you could put all these same feeling, concerns and ideas in a letter to your husband and leave it somewhere where he can find it and be able to read it with some privacy? Even as much as you love each other, he still has defense mechanisms in his mind that make him feel that he has to deny anything about this side of him. Let him read in a letter that you are ok to work this out with him and that this does not neccesarily mean that he is going to lose you. After you are sure that he has read it, wait patiently for him to come to you and hopefully begin to open up. I hope any of the advice you have gotten hear helps your situation, and I truely hope that everything works out.

Tony

[deremarc]

Thanks. I am working on a letter as we speak. Maybe that will take some of the "emotion" out of it.

I have asked him before to write me an email or letter, telling what he feels, but maybe that was too soon for him.

[Avocado]

The main 2 pieces of advise I have for you is that:

1) You need to, and he needs to, find out what his sexuality is.

2) If this can be done, your other worries can (maybe not will) then be confirmed or denied.

He needs to sort himself out. It looks like he sees a stigma to being queer. He needs to shake this off and you need to help him shake this off. This needs to be done before everything else.

If he isn't willing to work with you, you may need to cut loose from him. You're not a pawn, you're not a cover-up and you're not a mind-altering drug. You deserve better than to be treated like one and you need to tell him what I've said in this paragraph aswell.

I wish you all the luck.

[taz67156]

Hi Deremarc,

I've read alittle about whats going on with you and your hubby from what I see that everyone else has suggested I'd have to agree with them cause they all made good points.

good luck,
taz67156