An Encounter

[frenchvikki]

I havent had a sexual encounter with a woman since I was 18. Except for my very earliest time at university and in 11 years of marriage I wanted to but never did, but the memories of that encounter were and are strong in my mind.

As a divorcee I no longer have any need to think or worry about a husband or what he would say or think. For some time since our divorce I have ached for the touch of a woman but have not had the courage or strength to do anything about it. Since joining the site and reading about and listening to the experiences of members I decided that this sad state of affairs had to change.

At the weekend I went into the city. I knew of the pink triangle and where it was since I went to High School not far away. Never in my life have I gone into a pub on my own unless meeting someone. Never looking for sex and making myself available. It was a terrifying experience and not one I wish to repeat.

I 'cruised' I suppose you could call it several pubs, ending up in one at the edge of the triangle close to the bus stop which would take me home and had decided that no, this isnt for me. I felt both cheap and seedy. Around me were young girls and guys laughing and joking as they do, making eyes at each other. Except that they were all with same sex partners. I was incredibly envious watching two young girls opposite being so tender with each other. Beautiful young girls.

Yet for all that I just felt so out of place. Around 10, and having just decided to go home a woman sat down beside me. A little younger than I, she was immaculately dressed and smelled of a million dollars. She began to chat to me and I was drawn to her and all I could think of was how much I wanted her.

After a while she began to touch me. On the knee on my shoulder, stroke my hair. It felt so good and my mind whirled with what was to come. She snuggled in closer and then she kissed me. Not passionately. Just a little touch on the lips. My boat was coming in and my heart was beating like you wouldnt believe.

It was when she slid her hand only a little under my skirt everything changed.
Her fingers only reached in a few inches on the inside of my thigh. Panicking, I just said Im sorry, I cant do this. And I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me.

When I got home I just broke down and cried. I felt stupid and dirty.

Lying in bed and things clearing in my head, I knew it was a lost opportunity. For such a long time I had dreamed of it and when it happened I ran. Am I so timid? So restricted by upbringing, years of marriage and the conventions of society that now free of the joys of youth I am unable to do what I so want to deep down?

Or is it that I am not what I have always thought myself to be? Am I or am I not a bisexual woman? Is it what I really want?

That one experience has begun me questioning so much that I have believed myself to be and what I want from my life. For the first time since I was a teenager that encounter has made me question my sexuality.

[Cerealk]

Take your time! Dont be so hard on yourself. You did great that night and were more courageous that I could ever be atm. I sense that you clearly want to be with a girl, but are just afraid to since its so unusual to you. Dont use that encounter to invalidate your sexuality: i dont think an hetero woman would have gone out to bars, alone, with the intention of meeting another woman. Maybe you could go back with friends and see how it goes? But dont give up only based on that!

[frenchvikki]

I am invalidating nothing Cerealk. Just asking myself questions that probably need asking.

None of my friends know how I feel and so its a bit difficult to ask them to go to a gay bar or club to help me meet a woman. Some are not anti gay or bi but its not easy for me to unveil myself after all this time.

I do have an old school friend in Manchester who is a lesbian and I know it has a large gay village. She doesnt know about me either yet but thinking it through, opening up to her and going to the Manchester village with her might be my best option to make the break out.

Right now if I am going to make a move then I think thats where I have to make it.

[Germanicus]

Take your time! Dont be so hard on yourself. You did great that night and were more courageous that I could ever be atm. I sense that you clearly want to be with a girl, but are just afraid to since its so unusual to you. Dont use that encounter to invalidate your sexuality: i dont think an hetero woman would have gone out to bars, alone, with the intention of meeting another woman. Maybe you could go back with friends and see how it goes? But dont give up only based on that!

Yes, don't be too hard on yourself.

You said you felt cheap and seedy because you went out "cruising", well perhaps thats the universe/life trying to tell you that such behaviour isn't "the real you" - and I suspect you know who the "real you" is.

From my own experience, I don't go out to cruise/pull/cop off. I did once have the desperate urge to do so, but I knew that I wouldnt respect myself afterwards because deep down I knew it wasn't me or what I'm looking for from other people. Whenever I'm out with other LGBT friends in Blackpool and abroad I go out to enjoy myself and relax, and if something happens, it happens, and if it doesnt, it doesnt. (I'm a great believer in the theory that the more one wants/desires something, the more likely one is going to be unhappy when it doesnt arrive.) Its took me a while to get there, but now that I've arrived I've now made more of my bisexual life this year than I have done in the past two years.

It takes time for us all

[darkeyes]

So yas an Honest Touner babes... sounds like knowin the geo ya wer in Planet Out..

It aint cheap hun.. an it aint dirty. Its life.. an life is for the enjoyin. But don do owt yas uncomfortable wiv. Not every 1 can jus tootle inta pubs an clubs an b ok wiv it spesh if they lookin for sum fun .. but it reely aint owt 2 do yasel down bout. Neva worked out wy cosya goes out 2 get laid wivya ma8s its ok...an if ya goes out 2 get laid on ya own yas a trollop.. this is 21st century Vikki.. not the mid 20th.. an yas a rite 2 act as ya feels is rite for u long as ya don hurt ne 1...

But if yas a m8 in Manchester who is lessie..go for it... tell er an get er 2 help ya through. An the Gay Village can b fun down ther.. ages since me been but ther sum yummie gals... an guys ifya likes that sorta thing..go out clubbing an pubbin wivya m8 an find out if its wotya reely wan... life is 2 short not 2.. an ifya gets ya wish..all me can say is gud luk 2 ya... enjoy...

[wanderingrichard]

you pushed yourself too hard.. too fast.. it takes a bit of time to get back to old habits long unused and now strange.

try again, but the next few times, just slowly wander place to place, letting the atmosphere and attitudes seep in, since they are all different now than when you were younger.

basically, just be a wisp of cloud and drift thru the night life. when the time and person are actually right, you'll know, because all the old feelings will come rushing back.

like many of us who are older, [ and , it doesn't take much for that nowadays. even 5 or 6 years are huge gaps] it takes a bit of doing to get back into the "the dating game" after marriage, kids, careers, whatever.. and the decision to do so, and act upon it like you have can be trauma enough sometimes. also, if after a while you feel out of place because the crowd is much younger than you are, [ no insult intended ] ask around, find out where the places to meet folks your own age bracket and preferences are and go there instead.
Rich

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ah Sweetie, I am so sorry the experiance wasnt right just then. But that's just a first try, dont let a scare throw you off from finding out about You. Just because one situation wasnt the most comfortable, dont let it deter you any. My suggestion is to find a Lifestyle Group in your area and try there, or find a Bi group or even lesbian establishment and try that. If that doesnt feel right, then perhaps an ad on here looking for a feminine encounter starting as friendship first might be the ticket for you. You need to start out slow, Babe. Dont go rushing off into something that you should Ease into.
Find someone you can Talk to first, let the friendship grow into something more intimate, then let your mind and body lead you.:}
Just my humble 2 cents.
Cat

[frenchvikki]

Thanks to all for your advice. I spoke to my friend in Manchester and revealed all to her. What I got was hoots of laughter when I told her about myself. To say that she was surprised was a little bit of an understatement but she is nice and once the laughing died down she was wonderfully supportive and helpful. I'm not sure her 'If I knew that I would have done you years ago' was too serious or that helpful but it did give me a lighter moment during our conversation and enabled me to open up to her.

I am going down to visit her next weekend and I am very much looking forward to it. She has promised me a weekend to remember and to be honest Im not sure quite how she means that. I think she means she will show me the sites I need to see, but her cackle as I said goodnight makes me wonder.

[darkeyes]

Go an enjoy Vikki...but don b 2 disapointed if the village aint ur kinda thing... not every 1, even gays enjoy the scene an so don go wiv ne preconceptions.. jus go an hav look see, wiv open mind an c how it goes.. an if yas in luk an has fun..then triff.. but ifya feels lil uncumfy wiv it don give up on it rite off..hav a few attempts an c how they pan out...

Ya neva kno tho..ya m8 mite jus save ya all the trubble..tee hee.. is she cute???:tong:

[softfruit]

Frenchvikki, your story that starts off this thread -- I'm sure thousands of bi and gay people have been in exactly the same situation. Including the bit where you panicked and had to get away!

First; it's not like it never happens in a male/female encounter; there may well have been times you were with a man and concluded that his intentions went a bit further than yours and you needed to keep to your own boundaries. The difference between that and encounters with the same sex is that while growing up it is fairly normal for people to go through opposite sex encounters and learn how to put out signals of what is and isn't ok. Most of us don't get to go through the same learning experience with the same sex, so when you're first in that situation you're having to learn fast!

Second; one of the reasons it's scary and you panicked - I think - is that you are going out into an unfamiliar space on your own and so you are doing something unfamiliar in a place that is not familiar, which is probably coded into our DNA from a million years ago as a situation where we need to be able to run away quickly at the slightest trigger!!

I'd suggest that you try and get to go out in the local gay district with people from a local bi social group rather than on your own; that way you've people to talk to and it becomes a much safer space to find yourself in. Don't know if there's one in the area, look at www.bicommunitynews.co.uk (http://www.bicommunitynews.co.uk) front page for groups in the UK.

[diB4u]

I so know how that feels, going into London on the weekend, I went to Old Compton street Soho’s gay village with every intention of going into a quiet gay bar and hmm seeing what’s what. Sadly that didn’t happen. But I did pick up a nice gay erotica book, so not all was lost.

Yes I am also thinking about going to my local support group. I know that I need to meet and make new friends, but I also need to come to terms with who I am. Sometimes I know who I am, and at other times I’m scared for a number of reasons. Sadly the local gay and lesbian groups, meet very locally and I don’t want to meet that close to home.

I would love to just meet other bi-curious women and men for a support group, but finding that is hard. Even thought I look through the local Pink paper, but that doesn’t seem to help. Sometimes I wonder if one day instead of permanently being broken I will be fixed. I know that there is a bisexual conference happening in Brighton soon but I’d like to get help sooner than that.

I am not a person to go out on the pull, for i dont think that anyone would find me That attractive, nor intelligent enough.

I've already checked that website before, but as i dont drive and it runs late... Plus the job i do... I would like it locally ish, for support... Ugh what is a pansexual woman whos recently out to do? Hide forever???

[MarieDelta]

I remember what it was like the first time I stepped out of the house to go to my first support group (transgender (ts/cd/soffa)) meeting, my heart was racing, I was excited, nervous and scared. I thought that the whole world knew where I was going and why.

They didn't. Heck, they didn't even care the majority of them. I went the first time, it was hard, but it did get easier. The first time I went out into public as a woman was similarly hard, but with time and experience, it became easier. Just one little baby step at a time that’s all you need to concentrate on, after that step, then another step, and before you know it, you are walking.

I don't think that I have ever been to a bisexual support group, and I wonder how many are out there.

I do know that having people to listen and share your problems with has been immensely helpful to me. People who have similar concerns can be helpful.



BTW, Having seen your pictures Di, you are attractive enough. Having spoken with you, you are intelligent enough. You are smart enough to realize you don't know everything, big deal who does know everything?

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Having not read the other responses, Il tell you that I think the majority from this site have gone thru the exact same situation as you. Gosh, the crushes Ive had, and missed opportunity just because I was scared. I remember being in bed with the very first woman who kissed me, she wanted to snuggle weeks later and I told her I just cant. Talk about missed oppotunity lol . She was snuggling me, and I just couoldnt. I don't know if at the time I was struggling with the fact that I was bisexual or my that I was homosexual. What an ordeal for a 20 yo to go thru. Granted that was 15 years ago, but still. I worried that made me gay. Now I am an adult, I like both, Granted I prefer the female persuasion. I have no doubt, when that person touched your thigh that its been unlike any other touch. You were 18 , it still plays games with your emotions.

I struggle, we all do. If it was more excepting , we might just choose one sex over the other hon. If a woman could be my wife, I am sure I would marry one. Society just has'nt allowed it.

I do hope that you find yourself, and realize what it is that will make you happy. It's so important hon. Male or Female. Be happy ok ?

We are here for you hon. That is unconditional. Many hugs to you.

LynnAnne