Anyone else?

[truelove201]

For those of you who have followed our story you may recall that my husband came out to me last April and since we have been working through what this means to us as a couple. The biggest struggle that we are still facing is that he currently is not interested in having sex with me. We are sexual with one another but actual penetration hasn't happened in quite some time. His explanation as best he can put it is that he just can't do it. It's not what he craves right now. When he fantasizes he does so about men. He's not interested in a 3some with me as he has yet to explore on his own let alone face the pressure of having to do so with an audience. As well, he could not handle seeing me touched by another man in his pressence. He says he is still very much in love with me and we are very committed to one another. I guess what i'm looking for is reassurance and my question to everyone is have you ever felt as he does when first coming out?

As always..thank you to all those who put so much thought and care into their responses. I look forward to them all.

[onewhocares]

Well I can not speak to the question of if coming out was similar as I am the wife of a bi man, but I can tell you that for me, it was not always easy to stand by when I questioned whether if it was me which turned him to a man...ah...NO. It had nothing to do with me. I can tell you that since hubby has come out he is a much different man and our love life has blossomed. Try and hang in there and I am sure when he figures out where he wants to be, you shall be right there with him.

Belle

[diamond_tether]

As a couple, we find it unfortunate and unfair for him to ask you to deal with an effective abstinence. He got to choose it for himself based on his needs, while you don't get a choice in how to deal with your own. Your love and commitment to him is apparent in that you've stayed with him through this time and in your respect for his need for space on the matter. But, if he cannot bear to see you with another man and isn't satisfying you himself, there has to be a place where his commitment to you and your needs (for whatever satisfaction) outweigh his discomfort - be it you and he laying together, or him accepting you possibly finding someone else to satisfy those urges in the meantime.

If his fantasies seem to revolve around men, he can more than likely benefit from doing something about it. He's got to own up to it and give them a shot to see if they go beyond his mind. If so, he's got to deal with that. Just as you will. But, if he's still newly dealing with coming out, thinks only about males sexually, is finding his desires with you (a female) to be changing/waning and is having difficultly playing with you when he has not before - we'd also encourage him to face front to a question a lot of bisexuals have to ask after coming out - Am I Gay? As much as self-identified bisexuals hate talking about it, some of us really do end up as homosexuals. Just as some of us end up preferring the opposite sex. The question isn't so much a suggestion one way or the other, but as it is for a lot of us, it's a starting point for discovering what our sexuality honestly is - be it gay, straight, bisexual, abstinent, or something along the way.

And of course, this is just (so trite) Our 2 cents. We're glad that you have a place where you can feel like you can honestly seek (and receive) support. Hopefully that support, and maybe a little luck, will get you both through.

[DiamondDog]

I didn't feel this way when I first came out but I was a teenager then. But I do understand part of what happens to your husband.

Very frequently I do go through periods, sometimes as long as half a year where I'm simply not sexually attracted to women at all. The idea of having sex with a woman or seeing a woman naked doesn't turn me on at all and women's bodies disgust me during this period of time.
Also if I watch a hetero porn during this time I will focus only on the guy and think about having sex with him and after I ejaculate I'll get feel grossed out since I saw a naked woman.

Even if during this time I'm thinking and fantasizing about men and I have a full erection, if I try thinking or fantasizing about a woman my erection dies.

[BreeIsMe]

I would echo Diamond's sentiments. Being "Bisexual" usually means just that....you are attracted to both sexes. Some bisexuals are really gay when all comes to light and they have been hiding in a heterosexual relationship or behind the label "bisexual" as seemingly more acceptable to themselves and their view of others. I have seen this problem in others and I am absolutely convinced that the man is gay and yet refuses to give up the ghost so to speak. This inevitably hurts the woman involved. I would certainly recommend getting counselling so that you two can work through your thoughts. This is a complex situation and one that is best handled with some professional help.


Bree

[DiamondDog]

I have seen this problem in others and I am absolutely convinced that the man is gay and yet refuses to give up the ghost so to speak. This inevitably hurts the woman involved. I would certainly recommend getting counselling so that you two can work through your thoughts. This is a complex situation and one that is best handled with some professional help.


Bree

Bree-I don't think that anyone should be putting this person's sexuality into a box since we're not that person, and it could be that this guy is actually bisexual but just leans towards men.

[HighEnergy]

I think Bree is right in saying that seeing a professional to help work things out is in order here. Just make sure that the professional is bi friendly and not going to leap to the conclusion that he is 100% gay and recommend a divorce without spending the appropriate time exploring the issues with them.

[BiphobiaFighter]

Bree-I don't think that anyone should be putting this person's sexuality into a box since we're not that person, and it could be that this guy is actually bisexual but just leans towards men.
Or leans towards men at this particular point in time. truelove201, many bi people describe their (our) sexualities as being fluid. The degrees many of us are attracted to a particular sex can change a bit or a lot. We might find ourselves equally attracted, then it might change and we become more attracted to men, then it changes back to how it was before, then it changes again so we're more attracted to women and so on.

Just make sure that the professional is bi friendly and not going to leap to the conclusion that he is 100% gay and recommend a divorce without spending the appropriate time exploring the issues with them. [emphasis mine]
That is important, if you do decide to see someone to talk it through with. Note: "gay friendly" does not always equal "bi friendly".

[PolyLoveTriad]

I almost clicked the back button to not write anything in fear of getting anyone upset with me lol

I couldnt imagine my husband who tells me everyday how much he loves me and desires me telling me that he just cant be with me as in having sex with me. It seems to me that love is many things and yes we do support the people we love because we love them. But isnt doing things we dont want to do sometimes for the ones we say we love, a part of love? I know my husband has sex with me on occasion when he isnt in the mood or is having sexual desires towards men, just as I have had sex when I havent been in the mood or my mind has been somewhere else. Seems to me that your husband needs to do the same. He has asked you to stand by him as he explores this new side of himself. Can he not continue to stand by you and make love with his wife of whom he says he is very much in love with? Ok, Im not a doctor, but I have a heart, I know what it feels like to love, I know about marriage and sacrifices, but sacrificing the most intimate of things between a husband and wife just seems horrible.

All I can tell you is if I were you I would ask him to go to counseling with you, he may need some for himself just to help him get through this trying time and it sounds like you need an ear to pull right about now too.

Hugs and warm wishes, hang in there and I hope it all works out.

[truelove201]

Thank you all for your responses. As always...they offer support and food for thought. I thought to clarify that he is "sexual" and "sensual" with me and i do feel an attraction towards me from him. I will add further to that, that my husband is a loyal man and wouldn't betray me in thought or deed so for him lets say we begin having sex and a man should stray into his thoughts he feels like he's cheating. Yes i know for many this is normal and not a big deal and i would agree but you can't tell someone who firmly sees this as betrayal to recognize that...he simply cannot. We have opened up our sex life to toys...something new for us and this has helped ease some pressures for us both. He is not gay...we have discussed this in great depths. His sexuality as some have suggested could be discribed as fluid as some days he seems more into me than others. I support him...regardless of what it may mean sexually we have so much love for one another that i know in time the rest will sort itself out. I just wanted to hear from others and see if he was not alone.

I thank you all for your honesty once again...please keep it coming. Hugs to you all.

[BreeIsMe]

Bree-I don't think that anyone should be putting this person's sexuality into a box since we're not that person, and it could be that this guy is actually bisexual but just leans towards men.

Sorry Diamond,
didn't mean to try to put people into categories. I was just using what I suspect he said he was..... I am the last person to believe that people fit into nice little descriptors...

Everyone is an individual and should be viewed that way. However, I am wondering why someone who self proclaims themselves to be somewhere along the bisexual spectrum to actively avoid sex with one of the sexes they claim to be interested in (or a specific person of one sex). Seems there are other things going on...

My :2cents:

Bree

[truelove201]

:female:To clarify the "sex" part...he fantasizes...but isn't wanting to have sex with either right now. He is still very much struggling with who he is.


Sorry Diamond,
didn't mean to try to put people into categories. I was just using what I suspect he said he was..... I am the last person to believe that people fit into nice little descriptors...

Everyone is an individual and should be viewed that way. However, I am wondering why someone who self proclaims themselves to be somewhere along the bisexual spectrum to actively avoid sex with one of the sexes they claim to be interested in (or a specific person of one sex). Seems there are other things going on...

My :2cents:

Bree

[truelove201]

I didn't feel this way when I first came out but I was a teenager then. But I do understand part of what happens to your husband.

Very frequently I do go through periods, sometimes as long as half a year where I'm simply not sexually attracted to women at all. The idea of having sex with a woman or seeing a woman naked doesn't turn me on at all and women's bodies disgust me during this period of time.
Also if I watch a hetero porn during this time I will focus only on the guy and think about having sex with him and after I ejaculate I'll get feel grossed out since I saw a naked woman.

Even if during this time I'm thinking and fantasizing about men and I have a full erection, if I try thinking or fantasizing about a woman my erection dies.

He said he never struggled with it as a teenager or even as an adult...he's always been more attracted to women. It's shifted the other way thus my support of the theory of fluidity. He isn't turned off by woman just more turned on by men right now. From the all the responses...i see how confusing and complicated this really is.

[BreeIsMe]

He said he never struggled with it as a teenager or even as an adult...he's always been more attracted to women. It's shifted the other way thus my support of the theory of fluidity. He isn't turned off by woman just more turned on by men right now. From the all the responses...i see how confusing and complicated this really is.

Since it is very confusing to him and it is likely to be even more confusing to you. Sounds like he just needs time and understanding to figure things out, although for me "thinking" my way out of confusion (which I tried to do for years) didn't help. Ultimately, I had to have certain expereinces which "clarified" who I really was (along with the thinking part)..

Bree

[truelove201]

I totally agree Bree...he needs to explore himself by having new experiences. I fully support him.