from GAY to BI

[Jaaron]

I would like to share my story with you, and receive some feedback. I've been going through some significant life changes in the last few months, and though I feel completely confident and comfortable in my decisions, it's still good to talk about it.

I grew up in a small town where being Gay was not acceptable. I dated women and was sexually attracted to them, but knew that I was also sexually attracted to men, and would explore that with pornography. When I went to college, I almost immediately catagorized myself as Bisexual, and within a year I had decided to change that "status" to Gay. I dated a few men for a short period of time, and then entered in to a 6 1/2 year relationship with a man that ended this past fall. During the last 2 years of this relationship, I became very close friends with a female co-worker. We discovered within months that we had a deep connection and she even visited me when I was working out of town. We took an international vacation with each other and grew closer and closer. After the breakup with the guy of 6 1/2 years, the friend and I became even closer.

About 2 months after the relationship with the man ended, I started feeling intimate and emotional feelings toward this female friend of mine. I questioned it a lot, with the assumption that I was gay and that it must be some type of rebound I was feeling. These feelings did not go away and continued to deepen. I thought I felt signals from her too, and kept feeling bad, "knowing" that I was what I was.

2 months later, we decided that we were going to have a slumber party and watch movies. During that, we started cuddling (which had begun happening casually a few weeks earlier). My shirt came off--I said for comfort but knew it wasn't true. After hours of laying next to each other, I was trying so hard to ignore the feelings I was feeling. She kissed my neck, probably just as a friend, but it affected me and I spilled my feelings. She said she had thought of those feelings herself many times (signals of which I had definitely picked up on), but ignored them because she "knew" it wasn't possible--or so she thought.

Fast forward 2 more months, and now we've been dating very seriously since then. We've spent every night together, been intimate constantly, and are feeling that this relationship is very serious--probably THE relationship. I feel such a spiritual connection with her, and find myself incredibly attracted to her.

I am certain that I'm actually Bi instead of Gay, but it's still hard to wrap my head around changing how I've identified myself for so many years. We are slowly "coming out" (pardon the pun) to family and friends, but since we work together (and in the same department) we have not shared the news with anyone at work yet. They still identify me as Gay, and remark on that quite often (I work in a very free and liberal environment, where teasing me in a friendly way has always been totally acceptable). I laugh the comments off like I always did, but it feels very weird now. I want to say "that's not me!" but I can't yet as we're waiting to "out" ourselves at work, partially for fear that it could affect our jobs (you'd have to understand our line of work). We also are not looking forward to the long line of people that will lecture both of us. I'll be the gay guy experimenting with women, and she'll be the stupid "fag-hag" that should know better. We both know this isn't true, but no one else will.

I'm confident in where I am, but know I will be judged by the gay community too. I'll be told that I'm ashamed of who I am, or am trying to deny who I am. I don't feel this is true. My emotional AND physical attraction to her is real and very strong. The sex with her is phenomenal and feels right and good. And I do find myself attracted to other women as well, so it's not just that I'm Gay except for with her. When looking at pornography, for years I've looked at Straight videos and pictures, not just Gay stuff.

So, I'm not sure what I'm looking for as a response here. Part of me keeps wondering if what I've experienced here is even possible, if any other men (or women) have gone through this. I feel like I'm "coming out" again, but in the opposite way. It's a very strange feeling, unidentifying myself with what I've called myself for so long.

Talk to me, people :)

[Lonewolf76]

First of all let me say that your experience has NOT happened to me. I hate labels - but they sometimes make it easier to express what we are trying to say - so to stick to standard labels - I am definitely BI and my own personal opinion is that you are too - from what you describe. I am now in a new monogamous relationship with a man - doesn't mean I am gay - it means I am equally attracted to both and right now I "prefer" to be with a man. If this relationship were to end - and I had a female friend who I shared things with and we grew close - my next relationship may very well be a monogamous relationship with a woman. I know that there is plenty of reverse prejudice in the gay community for bisexuals and when you were attracted to the guy - you probably found it easier just to identify with gay. I don't think there is anything weird or strange aboit what is happening to you. You are who you are - attracted to both. I say just be yourself - don't worry about labels "Am I gay or bi?" just go with what feels right and most importantly - what makes you happy. As far a catching shit for experimenting with women and your gal being a "Fag-Hag" screw them! You only have to answer to each other, and true, deep friends will never do that to you -if they do - they aren't really friends. Everyone who truly cares about you both will only want your happiness. You my friend are definitely Bisexual and are now involved in a monogamous relationship with a woman whom you are very attracted to. There's abslutely NOTHING wrong with that! Be true to yourself and honest with each other - that's ALL that really matters! Just my :2cents: LW

[Jaaron]

Thanks for your reply!

My biggest struggle right now is that when people find out and say "wait, you're gay" I'm not sure what I'll say back. I want to just say "No, I'm with XXXXX" but it's not that easy. People want more of an explanation, so then I have to go into saying how "I'm obviously Bi and just decided, mistakenly, early on to label myself as Gay, blah blah blah" and even though I know that's what I have to do, I don't want to.

A friend of hers, who is gay, was very upset with her and very worried. He thinks it's not possible.

It's a hard thing to un-come out.

[trubipoly]

I am not gay so I cant say for certain but being bisexual you are judged/questioned more so than being gay or straight. which I can understand from "straight "people but not from gay people. which is amazing to me how someone that has been fighting for acceptance for so long is not accepting of others that are not wired the same way as them.( generally speaking) being polyamorous for me makes it an even tougher challenge . sounds to me Like you are the monogomous type and like most monogomous people you have the ability to adjust your definition of who you are based on the current relationship. In my opinion you have always been Bisexual but understandably defined as gay when in a relationship with a man. as long as your relationship can withstand the fact that you will still be attracted to men even if you dont act on it, you will do fine. congrats on the new relationship and good Luck.

[Lonewolf76]

Thanks for your reply!

My biggest struggle right now is that when people find out and say "wait, you're gay" I'm not sure what I'll say back. I want to just say "No, I'm with XXXXX" but it's not that easy. People want more of an explanation, so then I have to go into saying how "I'm obviously Bi and just decided, mistakenly, early on to label myself as Gay, blah blah blah" and even though I know that's what I have to do, I don't want to.

A friend of hers, who is gay, was very upset with her and very worried. He thinks it's not possible.

It's a hard thing to un-come out.

I don't envy you on having to repeat the same story over and over - I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you want to do - I can only give you this - If I were in your shoes - I'd say "I'm constantly evolving - I'm a work in progress!" and leave it at that. As for your lady friends gay friend being upset and thinking it will never work - I can understand that - He probably cares about her as a friend and thinks that you are a gay guy trying to fit into the "Normal" box that society imposes upon us and that it will all fall apart and she'll get hurt. What he DOESN'T know is that you never really were gay - you were just a bisexual guy going through a period of your life where you preferred to be with men - and now that's changed. Once he knows that he may see things differently - if he doesn't then it's HIS issue - not yours and your ladys. LW

[rattle_back]

I would like to share my story with you, and receive some feedback. I've been going through some significant life changes in the last few months, and though I feel completely confident and comfortable in my decisions, it's still good to talk about it.

I grew up in a small town where being Gay was not acceptable. I dated women and was sexually attracted to them, but knew that I was also sexually attracted to men, and would explore that with pornography. When I went to college, I almost immediately catagorized myself as Bisexual, and within a year I had decided to change that "status" to Gay. I dated a few men for a short period of time, and then entered in to a 6 1/2 year relationship with a man that ended this past fall. During the last 2 years of this relationship, I became very close friends with a female co-worker. We discovered within months that we had a deep connection and she even visited me when I was working out of town. We took an international vacation with each other and grew closer and closer. After the breakup with the guy of 6 1/2 years, the friend and I became even closer.

About 2 months after the relationship with the man ended, I started feeling intimate and emotional feelings toward this female friend of mine. I questioned it a lot, with the assumption that I was gay and that it must be some type of rebound I was feeling. These feelings did not go away and continued to deepen. I thought I felt signals from her too, and kept feeling bad, "knowing" that I was what I was.

2 months later, we decided that we were going to have a slumber party and watch movies. During that, we started cuddling (which had begun happening casually a few weeks earlier). My shirt came off--I said for comfort but knew it wasn't true. After hours of laying next to each other, I was trying so hard to ignore the feelings I was feeling. She kissed my neck, probably just as a friend, but it affected me and I spilled my feelings. She said she had thought of those feelings herself many times (signals of which I had definitely picked up on), but ignored them because she "knew" it wasn't possible--or so she thought.

Fast forward 2 more months, and now we've been dating very seriously since then. We've spent every night together, been intimate constantly, and are feeling that this relationship is very serious--probably THE relationship. I feel such a spiritual connection with her, and find myself incredibly attracted to her.

I am certain that I'm actually Bi instead of Gay, but it's still hard to wrap my head around changing how I've identified myself for so many years. We are slowly "coming out" (pardon the pun) to family and friends, but since we work together (and in the same department) we have not shared the news with anyone at work yet. They still identify me as Gay, and remark on that quite often (I work in a very free and liberal environment, where teasing me in a friendly way has always been totally acceptable). I laugh the comments off like I always did, but it feels very weird now. I want to say "that's not me!" but I can't yet as we're waiting to "out" ourselves at work, partially for fear that it could affect our jobs (you'd have to understand our line of work). We also are not looking forward to the long line of people that will lecture both of us. I'll be the gay guy experimenting with women, and she'll be the stupid "fag-hag" that should know better. We both know this isn't true, but no one else will.

I'm confident in where I am, but know I will be judged by the gay community too. I'll be told that I'm ashamed of who I am, or am trying to deny who I am. I don't feel this is true. My emotional AND physical attraction to her is real and very strong. The sex with her is phenomenal and feels right and good. And I do find myself attracted to other women as well, so it's not just that I'm Gay except for with her. When looking at pornography, for years I've looked at Straight videos and pictures, not just Gay stuff.

So, I'm not sure what I'm looking for as a response here. Part of me keeps wondering if what I've experienced here is even possible, if any other men (or women) have gone through this. I feel like I'm "coming out" again, but in the opposite way. It's a very strange feeling, unidentifying myself with what I've called myself for so long.

Talk to me, people :)

First of all i guess i should say that I am 37 160 5'8 very BI, I have delt with the very same problem buddy, I am gay/bi how ever someone labels it. I say do what makes u feel good about yourself and your life. I dont think you have to label yourself at all. Why should we have to answer to anyone. U are the way u are for a reason and I have been searching for the same anwers all my life. I was dating a female for 5 years when i was 15 to 20 then met a guy that I have been with for 17 years. I dont want to get into great detail, If it wasnt for my understanding partner of 17 years allowing me to be with him and females at teh same time. He understands it cuz he is the same way. Sexuality is very complexed and noone studies the mind and the way it works. Why are some people bi, gay, or straight? What makes us think the way we do. Gays have a place and is more excepting. Straights will always be excepted becouse its "normal",,,Who is to say whats normal and whats not? I cant judge whats going on in your life, I can only tell you what my experiences are. I found for myself its just much easier to except that maybe its not the sexual part, but something special I was looking for besides the sex of someone if it be male or female. I think if you are comfortable with her then thats what you should do. Follow your heart, mind, body, and Soul. It will lead you to peace. OH! Dont worry about labeling yourself when it boils down to it.............Why? You own noone an explination. Hope you find this somewhat helpfull.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Darlin, just give them a flippant answer and say, "Hey, I was a diamond in the rough and she's polishing me" or something sweet and romantic like "I was just waiting for the right woman to come along, and she's right here"
Bottom line Baby, dont be concerned by a label, just be you and be happy in the knowledge that you and your lady have found each other, and life is grand. Presenting her to your family shouldnt be that difficult, and as far as the Gay community, dont worry about what they or anyone else, thinks. Just be true to yuorself and your lady. :}
Congrats Hon.
:love87::rainbow::rainbow:

[rassilon953]

The world is full of envy which then manifests itself as phobias - biphobia from gays might just be an expression of jealousy that they can't also get to be "normal" on occasion (the irony being that if they actually tried, they might succeed).

Your story truly gives me hope - having come out as gay nearly 20 years ago, I'm trying to live into a bisexual life myself, but it really isn't easy when everyone has already pigeonholed me as gay.


My biggest struggle right now is that when people find out and say "wait, you're gay" I'm not sure what I'll say back. I want to just say "No, I'm with XXXXX" but it's not that easy. People want more of an explanation, so then I have to go into saying how "I'm obviously Bi and just decided, mistakenly, early on to label myself as Gay, blah blah blah" and even though I know that's what I have to do, I don't want to.

I can only imagine how difficult that will be - there will be some people who'm you'll want to explain the whole thing to, but in the main I'd try to keep it short. Think back carefully - to whom have you, personally, actually said, "I am gay" ? - because the chances are, not as many as you think. Bob told Dennis told Jane told Sandy you were gay, you probably never had to say anything! You may have mentioned your boyfriend or talked about the differences between "gay" and "straight" relationships, but if people assumed you were gay, rather than asking whether you were gay or bi, then more fool them for assuming. This might feel deceptive, but it isn't if you re-read your original post.

Anyhow, if anyone says "but you're gay!" you can just say "manifestly not!" or some such boffinspeak and they'll probably leave you alone anyway. Or you could just not say anything until you and your girlfriend are expecting your first child together, and let them work it out for themselves when she starts showing.

Keep going, my friend - coming back in may be tougher than coming out was but if you managed to do the latter in your youth, you can certainly do the former now you're older and wiser!

[corbin]

I would kinda want to know more about how you act, but I think your on a site where what you say is not altogether uncommon. The only kink in the armor being that many times a woman will not go with a guy that was ever considered gay. I have always had bi feelings and had to wonder wether society made me feel I should be bi, but the truth is, I love women and men The strange thing is,,, I do not want to be classified, and men somehow are less on guard than women. I also thought about the secrecy of a male male relationship when you are young....it was fun.


I would like to share my story with you, and receive some feedback. I've been going through some significant life changes in the last few months, and though I feel completely confident and comfortable in my decisions, it's still good to talk about it.

I grew up in a small town where being Gay was not acceptable. I dated women and was sexually attracted to them, but knew that I was also sexually attracted to men, and would explore that with pornography. When I went to college, I almost immediately catagorized myself as Bisexual, and within a year I had decided to change that "status" to Gay. I dated a few men for a short period of time, and then entered in to a 6 1/2 year relationship with a man that ended this past fall. During the last 2 years of this relationship, I became very close friends with a female co-worker. We discovered within months that we had a deep connection and she even visited me when I was working out of town. We took an international vacation with each other and grew closer and closer. After the breakup with the guy of 6 1/2 years, the friend and I became even closer.

About 2 months after the relationship with the man ended, I started feeling intimate and emotional feelings toward this female friend of mine. I questioned it a lot, with the assumption that I was gay and that it must be some type of rebound I was feeling. These feelings did not go away and continued to deepen. I thought I felt signals from her too, and kept feeling bad, "knowing" that I was what I was.

2 months later, we decided that we were going to have a slumber party and watch movies. During that, we started cuddling (which had begun happening casually a few weeks earlier). My shirt came off--I said for comfort but knew it wasn't true. After hours of laying next to each other, I was trying so hard to ignore the feelings I was feeling. She kissed my neck, probably just as a friend, but it affected me and I spilled my feelings. She said she had thought of those feelings herself many times (signals of which I had definitely picked up on), but ignored them because she "knew" it wasn't possible--or so she thought.

Fast forward 2 more months, and now we've been dating very seriously since then. We've spent every night together, been intimate constantly, and are feeling that this relationship is very serious--probably THE relationship. I feel such a spiritual connection with her, and find myself incredibly attracted to her.

I am certain that I'm actually Bi instead of Gay, but it's still hard to wrap my head around changing how I've identified myself for so many years. We are slowly "coming out" (pardon the pun) to family and friends, but since we work together (and in the same department) we have not shared the news with anyone at work yet. They still identify me as Gay, and remark on that quite often (I work in a very free and liberal environment, where teasing me in a friendly way has always been totally acceptable). I laugh the comments off like I always did, but it feels very weird now. I want to say "that's not me!" but I can't yet as we're waiting to "out" ourselves at work, partially for fear that it could affect our jobs (you'd have to understand our line of work). We also are not looking forward to the long line of people that will lecture both of us. I'll be the gay guy experimenting with women, and she'll be the stupid "fag-hag" that should know better. We both know this isn't true, but no one else will.

I'm confident in where I am, but know I will be judged by the gay community too. I'll be told that I'm ashamed of who I am, or am trying to deny who I am. I don't feel this is true. My emotional AND physical attraction to her is real and very strong. The sex with her is phenomenal and feels right and good. And I do find myself attracted to other women as well, so it's not just that I'm Gay except for with her. When looking at pornography, for years I've looked at Straight videos and pictures, not just Gay stuff.

So, I'm not sure what I'm looking for as a response here. Part of me keeps wondering if what I've experienced here is even possible, if any other men (or women) have gone through this. I feel like I'm "coming out" again, but in the opposite way. It's a very strange feeling, unidentifying myself with what I've called myself for so long.

Talk to me, people :)

[Jaaron]

To answer two responses at the same time--- I have told MANY people I was gay. I was very open about it. I'm by no means queeny, but I do have some feminine tendancies. I'm not masculine nor feminine. I fall somewhere in the middle. Many people, if they didn't know or I did not tell them, did not assume that I was gay. And as far as my girlfriend goes, she is completely cool with who I am, and knows that just because I'm attracted to men as well doesn't mean I will cheat on her. It's hard because I do have those sexual urges toward men still, which I assume is normal, but I just know that I cannot act on them. She knows that she is very lucky since I have twice as many options for a partner and have chosen HER! :)

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Me = Straight to Bisexual to Lesbian. :female::female:

[jeancarleo]

I was gay at first too until i had sex with a girl then i liked it and now my only problem which i don't care but bugs me sometimes is when people that know about me think i'm gay. Like if bisexual doesn't exist and they think that because u like same sex people u have to be gay and can't like the opposite sex. Stupid but true. I'm still happy wih myself and my life :) and that's what it should be all about, just being happy right?

[GalacticiaActual]

I've often thought to myself: "why hetero, homo, bi, etc, etc... Why not just SEXUAL?"
Our highly emotional self awareness that defines our humanity is extremely complex; ever evolving, with infinite possibilities. A never-ending puzzle in which the shape of the pieces and the overall design can be arranged over and over, dynamically reinvented and reassembled to reflect our feelings and emotions.
I agree with Cat - No need for a long explanation, simply this is where you're at at this point in your life... :2cents:

[csrakate]

I have always preferred the term "sexually open minded" myself! Keeps all the options open LOL!