RebekaLee
Jan 31, 2006, 4:30 AM
hey everyone who reads this! thanks for taking the time to click and see what i have to say. :female:
so, for the past two or three years i've started questioning my sexuality. i started talking to a girl in a chat room on my cell phone. (yeah, it was kinda hard...but damn did i get good at txt mssging!) then i decided to get a gay.com screen name...i met tons of wonderful women there. and learned alot about lesbians. but still never really had more then 'friends'. there was one lesbian friend of mine that lived w/an exboyfriend that i had. i hung out with her...and we would kiss and stuff on drunken nights. but i just wasn't attracted to her. so i thought "well, maybe i'm just not really attracted to women after all." and omg, was that all so confusing. b/c here i was not wanting to be with men...but too freakin scared and unsure about women. anyway...last semester i came to this website. ya'll have been great...and i learned more about bisexuality. i still didn't consider myself bisexual...i would say "bicurious" or (my favorite) "biconfused". b/c i just didn't know what i really felt towards women.
see, i knew it started as sexual fantasies towards women...but then it kinda turned into more then that. and i got to teh point where i'm sure i coulda found someone to just 'hook' up w/...but i wasn't wanting that. i didn't want my first experience with a woman to be a random casual thing. but i was also scared to get close to friends that are bi or les b/c i was so unsure of what i was feeling. i just really didn't want anyone to get hurt. so i guess thats why it has taken me so dang long.
anyway... also during the fall semester of '05 i signed up on another website. oh, there were soooo many noncute people on there. just no one i was attracted to. and ppl that just wanted hookups and sex (thats teh bad thing about internet). but there was this one profile...and so i went ahead and sent her a message. she lives two hours away from me. well, we started talking on the website's messenger...then to yahoo msg...then a couple of months back we had our first phone conversation. now, this whole time i wasn't thinking much of it all. b/c i had gotten close to ppl online in the past and never met them, or we just drifted apart. so i was just going along w/my school and my own life and just talked to her when we happened to catch each other.
we had always talked about meeting each other. but it was never really serious talk. we only live 2 hrs away from each other...i guess i dind't want to interrupt my school and my focus. and i kinda jsut assume people only just want sex anyway. so nothing ever happened. well, we kept on talking while i was away from my internet (over christmas break)...she'd call me at my grandparents house. then i came back up to school. i'm not sure when it happened...but we decided to meet on Jan 27th.
see, jan 27, 2006 was my 24th birthday...and it also happened to be her 23rd. so she ended up coming to my college town. we went out to dinner that night w/my friends, had some birthday cake (both of us blew out teh candles), then went to the bar. and yes, i got TRASHED. i was very akward with her at first...but the more alcohol i had...the more i started to loosen up. finially i straight up told her i was nervous that she was there...and thats why i was acting kinda distant. but that i think she is beautiful and i liked her. .so we finally get a bit cuddly that evening at the bar. we go back to my friends house and i cause even more trouble w/my drunken self. (some of ya'll have seen me in teh chat drunk and know how obnoxious i can be! haha) anyway...gawd knows what all happened...but we ended up at my apt...back in my bed.
this is where it gets good.... what we did that night...was cuddle, and giggle. we didn't have anything sexual goign on...shit, we didn't even kiss! (possibly b/c i had been smoking and puking?? haha) anyway... the next day we got up...she played piano for me...and we just hung out and had a good time with one another. and i could tell she didn't want to leave.
the best thing is that it all felt so natural. i dind't know what it would feel like to sleep next to a woman...ya know? but this...it was so natural...and felt so good to be next to her. so this is how i came to the conclusion that it isn't just fantasies...but i really am attracted to a woman.
i dotn' know what will happen. crazy things are always hapening...and things are always changing. but i do like this girl....(alot). i just finally feel good knowing that it isn't about a person being male or female...its the attraction to their heart and their being... and thats what it is all about for me. so i guess that makes me 'bisexual' haha...i don't know. i just know it feels good.
and i'm sorry this is soooo freaking long! i wanted to get all this out and didn't know any other place to do it but here!!!
so, for the past two or three years i've started questioning my sexuality. i started talking to a girl in a chat room on my cell phone. (yeah, it was kinda hard...but damn did i get good at txt mssging!) then i decided to get a gay.com screen name...i met tons of wonderful women there. and learned alot about lesbians. but still never really had more then 'friends'. there was one lesbian friend of mine that lived w/an exboyfriend that i had. i hung out with her...and we would kiss and stuff on drunken nights. but i just wasn't attracted to her. so i thought "well, maybe i'm just not really attracted to women after all." and omg, was that all so confusing. b/c here i was not wanting to be with men...but too freakin scared and unsure about women. anyway...last semester i came to this website. ya'll have been great...and i learned more about bisexuality. i still didn't consider myself bisexual...i would say "bicurious" or (my favorite) "biconfused". b/c i just didn't know what i really felt towards women.
see, i knew it started as sexual fantasies towards women...but then it kinda turned into more then that. and i got to teh point where i'm sure i coulda found someone to just 'hook' up w/...but i wasn't wanting that. i didn't want my first experience with a woman to be a random casual thing. but i was also scared to get close to friends that are bi or les b/c i was so unsure of what i was feeling. i just really didn't want anyone to get hurt. so i guess thats why it has taken me so dang long.
anyway... also during the fall semester of '05 i signed up on another website. oh, there were soooo many noncute people on there. just no one i was attracted to. and ppl that just wanted hookups and sex (thats teh bad thing about internet). but there was this one profile...and so i went ahead and sent her a message. she lives two hours away from me. well, we started talking on the website's messenger...then to yahoo msg...then a couple of months back we had our first phone conversation. now, this whole time i wasn't thinking much of it all. b/c i had gotten close to ppl online in the past and never met them, or we just drifted apart. so i was just going along w/my school and my own life and just talked to her when we happened to catch each other.
we had always talked about meeting each other. but it was never really serious talk. we only live 2 hrs away from each other...i guess i dind't want to interrupt my school and my focus. and i kinda jsut assume people only just want sex anyway. so nothing ever happened. well, we kept on talking while i was away from my internet (over christmas break)...she'd call me at my grandparents house. then i came back up to school. i'm not sure when it happened...but we decided to meet on Jan 27th.
see, jan 27, 2006 was my 24th birthday...and it also happened to be her 23rd. so she ended up coming to my college town. we went out to dinner that night w/my friends, had some birthday cake (both of us blew out teh candles), then went to the bar. and yes, i got TRASHED. i was very akward with her at first...but the more alcohol i had...the more i started to loosen up. finially i straight up told her i was nervous that she was there...and thats why i was acting kinda distant. but that i think she is beautiful and i liked her. .so we finally get a bit cuddly that evening at the bar. we go back to my friends house and i cause even more trouble w/my drunken self. (some of ya'll have seen me in teh chat drunk and know how obnoxious i can be! haha) anyway...gawd knows what all happened...but we ended up at my apt...back in my bed.
this is where it gets good.... what we did that night...was cuddle, and giggle. we didn't have anything sexual goign on...shit, we didn't even kiss! (possibly b/c i had been smoking and puking?? haha) anyway... the next day we got up...she played piano for me...and we just hung out and had a good time with one another. and i could tell she didn't want to leave.
the best thing is that it all felt so natural. i dind't know what it would feel like to sleep next to a woman...ya know? but this...it was so natural...and felt so good to be next to her. so this is how i came to the conclusion that it isn't just fantasies...but i really am attracted to a woman.
i dotn' know what will happen. crazy things are always hapening...and things are always changing. but i do like this girl....(alot). i just finally feel good knowing that it isn't about a person being male or female...its the attraction to their heart and their being... and thats what it is all about for me. so i guess that makes me 'bisexual' haha...i don't know. i just know it feels good.
and i'm sorry this is soooo freaking long! i wanted to get all this out and didn't know any other place to do it but here!!!