Coming out within Marriage

[ichristian11]

Hello, my name is Christian. I am a researcher at Virginia Tech. I just started interviewing mixed orientation married couples (where one spouse identifies as bisexual and the other identifies as heterosexual) for a research project about marriage between bisexuals and heterosexuals.

It seems to me that coming out, within marriage, is still an individual process and may be the responsibility of the bisexual spouse alone. I'm wondering if there is a couple coming out process?

I’d appreciate other points of view.

Thanks.

[fredtyg]

Not sure that there's an actual coming out process, per se. Most of us probably came out to spouses at any number of times or ways. I first alluded to my desire for other men during sex with my wife. I don't know that she took me all that seriously then and figured it was just wild fantasy talk I'd just come up with during sex.

After a while I brought it up more and more and, eventually, she came to realize I was sexually interested in men. I think she's still in denial to some extent, though. Still, I bought a rainbow colored jock strap a few months ago and she didn't seem too bothered by that.

[mikey3000]

For me it was (and still is) a process. Firstly, I did have some same sex experiences when I was very young and in High school. Then girls took over my life and that was it till I hit my mid thirties. Happily married and a dad now, and because I had nothing but women in my life at this point, I started to get lonely for male companionship. I started noticing men more, how attractive they were becoming and how much I missed being around them. I started doing the gay porn thing on the net. Then We got the adult channel at home and wife and I started watching porn together. But straight porn got king of boring after a while and we started see what else was on. Boom! Gay porn. We liked it, and the feelings grew inside of me. The more I tried to repress them, the more I obsessed. And I was. It was driving me nuts.

So I turned to the net for help (as we all do-LOL!) and I ended up on a cruising site. There was a hot dude that lived right around the corner from me. We chatted for a few months till I got up the courage to meet him. But when I did, instant connection. We ended up in bed that very night. I still remember the shock of what I did. We kept hooking up for months. But feelings were getting in the way, so we cooled it and stopped seeing each other, thou the wife and I were thoroughly enjoying the gay movies, stories, fantasies, pride events and the whole gay culture. We became very immersed and were (and still am)very happy.


Almost two years passed until I heard his name mentioned on the evening news. I decided to contact him just to make sure everything was ok with him. And before I knew it, guess what? We were right back where we left off. But his emotions were still just as strong, if not stronger towards me. With every encounter he expressed his growing love towards me. Firstly he asked me to never leave him again, then told me how important I was in his life, then I was his best friend. On our last night together, he begged me to spend the entire night with him, how he longed to fall asleep in my arms and know that I'll be there when he wakes in the morning. But I couldn't. I had to go home. He stayed in bed, faced the wall and started to cry. I froze. I knew at that moment that there was going to be trouble. I tried my best to explain why I had to go home but he wouldn't even look at me. I got dressed and was got ready to leave when he whispered that he loved me. I almost melted. I realised there and then that I loved him too. I ran to the bed, jumped on him, kissed him and told him the same, but still left. That was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

The next day, the wife and I were talking the dog out for a walk and were discussing a gay movie we watched earlier that week. This is when she told me that she likes to watch same sex films much more than straight films, and if I was ok with it. I said absolutely cause I liked watching gay films too. This is where I saw my chance. When we were back at home we continued the film discussion and that's when I told her that I was bi.

I guess fantasy and reality are two totally different things, because she freaked. And I felt totally deceived by her. We took a few days to calm down and discuss it is a reasonable matter. After lots of tears were shed on either side, I told her everything and why I had this attraction to men. She also did lots of research on her own, but slowly warmed to the idea as she began to understand bisexuals.

It took months of talking, but today things are better than ever between the wife and I. So much so that she now trolls Craig's List looking for that special guy for me. Once she realized that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm still the same guy, and love her more than ever, she was ok. Now she just lectures me on how to be a nice guy, and find a nice guy, and to not be a home wrecker.

Oh and for the boyfriend? Well, that didn't have a happy ending. Once he realised that I wasn't going to leave my family for him, something I told him all along, he slowly withdrew from me. We don't even talk now. I just sent him a happy birthday greeting, but I don't expect a response. Probably better that way. I guess.

[TwylaTwobits]

My partner told me when we first started getting serious, ironically, it was by sending me to this site.

I'm not sure what he expected I would do, but I had friends my entire life of alternate sexuality and they were just friends. It's been an interesting road for us, and while I am straight, I will and have used a feeldoe on him as well as a double ended dildo. I have no problem acting the male when he wants to act the female, but only with him. Because it boils down to just us sharing.


Now my partner and I have bound ourselves to one another and look forward to the day that I can move to his country.

[Long Duck Dong]

communication is a two way street,..... its not the sole responsibility of the bisexual spouse to come out

in any relationship its important to allow a open field for communication BEFORE judgement is made

when I came out to my partner ( twyla two bits ) I was not ashamed or fearful of her reaction, but interested in letting her know about me and have the right to make a informed choice about her future and let me make one about mine

marriage to me, is not the way people perceive it to be..... to me marriage is beyond partners, its a friend, a support person, a care giver, a lover, a guiding light, a counsellor and more

if she has refused to listen to or allow any discussion of bisexuality / alternative sexuality...then I would have had to remain silent.....and I would not have been able to communicate with twyla on important issues that can and would affect the relationship

the idea of me having more than one partner is not a option, that is something I put on the table for her to consider, twyla has never enforced that rule for me... but allowed me the room to work around my bisexuality and the issues I face as a bisexual, something that I am thankful for

by allowing me to open up and talk with her, before she made any firm decisions, allowed me to work thru a lot of the issues I felt inside, the shame and other issues.... then she sat with me and talked with me and to me about me being bisexual...

we are not married but it has allowed me to talk with twyla about custom made wedding vows that reflect my bisexuality, her sexuality, our sexual desires, or faiths and beliefs and has given us the scope to create wedding vows that we can be true to, something that is important to me.....
I could not say any vows that would place me with her and male and woman, when I am bigender / bisexual, and I can be male / female and woman in a marriage.... and I would honour and love her as both sides of my bi gender nature equally so it was very important that my bigender / bisexuality nature was known to her asap and that I knew we have a open and level area of communication, even on the levels she did not support or agree with

[Annika L]

Anyone else notice anything fishy about this so called researcher?

Do you mean the fact that a Virginia Tech researcher is from Iowa? I'm sure there are many possible explanations for that.

Mostly I just find the question strange...does the OP really think we get together and agree on policies and procedures?

[Falke]

yes that is what I was talking about how the researcher is supposedly from Virginia Tech yet his profile says he's from Iowa.


The guy is legit, I have been corresponding with him for a few weeks and finally did an interview with him this evening with my wife and I. We look forward to seeing what the conclusions will be!

[ichristian11]

Thank you for all the responses to my thread. GayAZN, I respect your concern about my credentials. Public message boards can attract scammers. I am a doctoral candidate in marriage and family therapy at Virginia Tech, but I am also living in Iowa. I have finished all my coursework at Tech and moved here for a year to do a clinical internship. It's another requirement for my degree in addition to my dissertation project on commitment within bisexual-heterosexual marriages. Thank you Zwitter for your response as well.

[mooon]

It can be an individual process, at first.
But, once the word is out, then it either becomes a two-way process, or divorce.
It immediately becomes the spouse's responsibilty to try to understand and come to terms with this news.

As others have said, it is all about communications, love, and understanding.
And it will be substantially different for each couple involved, just as they are each individuals.

[innaminka]

It can be an individual process, at first.
But, once the word is out, then it either becomes a two-way process, or divorce.
It immediately becomes the spouse's responsibilty to try to understand and come to terms with this news.

As others have said, it is all about communications, love, and understanding.
And it will be substantially different for each couple involved, just as they are each individuals.

Summed up pretty well.

I came out to my husband about 6 years into our 20 year marriage.
It took a lot of talking, anguish, more talk and sould searching on his part. And lots of the same for me.
My message to him was consistently, "I have not changed - I am still the person you loved when you married me. I love you. My bisexuality is in my genes, it has been a part of me since whenever. Being bi changes nothing."
He accepted that I would occasionally have a f/f encounter. The way we solved that was - we just didn't ask or tell. Not secrets - just ingnore. But they were "encounters" - not affairs!

He came to terms with it and we had a successful marriage until maybe the last year when we just grew apart. His job requirements, distance, differing attitudes over many things: a touch of boredom. And of course the 500 lb gorilla - my bisexuality.

We're now separated - on very good terms with each other - and have both found new partners. (Permamnent?? Who knows? But we're both re-energised!)

[TheBisexualProfessor]

It's so good to see the posts here and to know that others are willing to share their journey. Dianna and I have struggled with my bisexuality, even to the point of a three-month separation recently. But I came to realize that my sexuality and enjoyment of life are so wrapped up in her that I'd rather be monogamous with her than live alone with the possibility of finding or not finding someone else.

The time apart also reinforced my insight that I truly am BI. I hang out with gay friends, enjoy them and the time together, and value them highly. But I'm not "gay." I'm also not "straight."

Dianna has been wonderful, and so loving and supportive. All she asks is that I not act on my attractions except within our marriage. For now that means that we're having some wild, wonderful, fantasy-filled sex! I feel so close to her and so turned on when we talk about bisexual fantasies and "live them out" in our bed together!

[swohbi]

My wife and I have been struggling with this a lot lately. My bisexuality has been a journey with her for several years now. What began as pillow talk and shared fantasy has evolved, and unfortunately not all of it is good. We have known each other for nearly 20 years and have been married for more than 15.

She first had hints when we introduced toys into the bedroom nearly 10 years ago. Playing with dildos and her using a strap-on occasionally was something that we brought into our play.

About 5 years ago, we opened up to the swinging lifestyle, having sex with others, together and separate, full and soft swap. She had the opportunity to explore her fantasies, and I could explore mine, and we could enjoy them together. Everything was awesome, couldn't be better. There were even occasions where there was some bi play with me and the other guy while she was there, and it was just something that happened in the course of events.

About 2 years ago, after we had been living with a relatively open relationship, I expressed my interests with her about having sex with a man. She seemed to understand, and accepted it within the rules we had applied to our relationship (i.e. open, honest, each knows beforehand, etc) and it was treated the same way as if I was going to have sex with another woman.

Now, over the past 6 months, she tells me that she isn't attracted to me anymore and doesn't like the idea that I am bi. I guess it was fine when, in her mind, it was a curiosity for me, but since she knows I am bi, it doesn't work for her.

I have always put my relationship with her first, and I am very satisfied with what we have. Not looking for anything else, and always picture my life with her by my side.

She stopped having sex with me about a month ago (worst Christmas present ever) and the intimacy is fading because she won't let me close. Prior to the past 6 months, our sex life would be considered enviable by most. We would have sex several times a week, just us, alone in our bed, and have always slept nude, in each others arms for 15+ years.

Now, she won't even undress around be, tells me that she hated the strap on, and will occasionally let me put my arm around her in bed, but she is always dressed.

Yes, I am seeing a counselor, trying to work through this, and she has finally agreed and started seeing a counselor as well. I am hoping this evolves to where we can see someone together. I think there is something else at work here, it can't all be about the bi thing all of a sudden, can it?

[Giggles100]

I'm not married although I was engaged to a girl a few years back. She kinda just knew/guessed on the second date lmao! It was never a problem she actually ended up finding it quite a turn on and we did have ffm and mmf threesomes which she absolutely loved plus she got into the gay/alternative scene a little which was a whole new world for her! I think it's different for younger people though I feel older married couples have it far harder :(

[allbimyself]

swohbi,

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. It's a good step that she's agreed to speaking with a counselor. Obviously, something has happened to her. Given your ages she might be feeling less confident in her own attractiveness and now feels threatened where she didn't before. It may also be a lack of desire due to many factors and lacking that, she feels insecure that you still have desires that she feels she can't meet.

I'd reassure her. Remind her of your love and agree to put everything else on hold until the two of you can work things out. However, (don't say this to her) but in your own mind I'd add "as long as we are making progress." Don't let her "get comfortable" with ignoring the problem. That will just make you both miserable.

[swohbi]

swohbi,

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. It's a good step that she's agreed to speaking with a counselor. Obviously, something has happened to her. Given your ages she might be feeling less confident in her own attractiveness and now feels threatened where she didn't before. It may also be a lack of desire due to many factors and lacking that, she feels insecure that you still have desires that she feels she can't meet.

I'd reassure her. Remind her of your love and agree to put everything else on hold until the two of you can work things out. However, (don't say this to her) but in your own mind I'd add "as long as we are making progress." Don't let her "get comfortable" with ignoring the problem. That will just make you both miserable.

Thanks for the advice. I have been trying to do most of what you have said. I believe there is something more there and I am trying to figure out what it is. I have been reassuring and honest. There is no other person (woman or man) that I would rather share my time with and have a relationship with. Months ago, when this issue began to surface, I asked that we take a break, not be involved with others (she had play dates too) and focus on us. She was reluctant to do that, wanting to continue on, saying it wasn't fair to me.

Up until now, we have always had a fabulous sex life, and a fabulous marriage, and there is nothing about her that doesn't satisfy me. I have tried explaining that to her without being repetitive, but she can't seem to express her feelings to me.

She has been a stay-at-home mom for the past 12 years (by her and our choice) but she has always been active around town and has worked when she found something she enjoys on a part time basis. If it has to do with her doubt of who she is, she hasn't been able to share that with me, and I am hopeful that counseling will help.

I agree on the "progress" issue. I am a very sensual and sexual person by nature, which is probably part of me being bi, and require a certain level of intimacy in a relationship. I am open-minded enough that I understand that I cannot be all things to her all the time, which is part of the reason we were able to open our relationship to others successfully for so many years. But if we are both going to be happy in this marriage, I strongly believe that the primary bond needs to be between the two of us, and it needs to be intimate.

She has read a lot of books and online posts, all from the hetero-monogamous perspective that almost seem to preach failure of the marriage and divorce/closure. They don't address people with otherwise healthy open relationships.

I believe in being open and honest. I don't expect her to necessarily jump into a MMF with me and another guy, but I do want her to understand who I am, and who I have always been. <sigh>

[mikey3000]

Yes, I am seeing a counselor, trying to work through this, and she has finally agreed and started seeing a counselor as well. I am hoping this evolves to where we can see someone together. I think there is something else at work here, it can't all be about the bi thing all of a sudden, can it?

Half way through your story I got the exact same impression. There is definitely something (so sorry, or someone) else involved here. Time will tell, but don't be too shocked when the truth comes out. And don't shoulder all the blame. I doubt it is the bi thing at all.

Take care!!!

[biblissful]

I told my husband before we got married,I believe in being honest and I did not want to go into my marriage lying to myself or him. It has made our lives together stronger and open. We both wear many hats for each other. Also he is as good as a woman in bed, years of teaching how to use his tongue,;) We love, help, wait and have good fights with each other At the end of the day, I can watch him walk over and I am wetting my pants with desire for him.:bigrin: