Open reliationships with rules [Archive]

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sephirothtx

Jul 29, 2010, 3:39 PM

i know some of us are rueless vagabonds :D, uh ,be carefull!!!

anyway i was just wonderin those that have few, or allot ,of open relationsips, have any rules concerning your actuyal "partner"?
Just a note i concider open relationship, a relationship you have with 1 (note one) partner, where you and the partner have the ability to have open sex with people out of yoru relationship, not all can last this way, not sure i could, but i've done it once, it wasn't the open relationship that killed it for me, even if it wasn't my idea, but then again, i wasn't the one that broke it off...

anyway my last x and i had an "open relationship" it was a law she lied down right from the beggining, we get to fuck anyone we'd want. I knew my own personal morals would keep such things at bay for me, but i was like WTF do i care? at least she's doing int front of my face for nothing more than sexual pleasure, like using a man for a dildo, and not cheeting on me behind my back because she's bored or a nympho.

It wasn't a bad idea after all, while i didn't ever take up having sex on my own without her i was invited to a couple of bed sessions with her boy "Toy"

anyway back to topic i had less than a handfull of rules that had to be kept to for me to be ok with an open relationship, really they weren't big rules, ones that would make you say OMG NOWAY.

1 and most important, all males wear condomns during intercourse. Im no fans of STDs lol, and if your having intercourse without wearing protectiong with guys you barely know (or women you barely know) your going to catch somthing sooner or later. This also prevented somone getting her pregnant or me getting somone pregnant (if i had done anything lol)

2: toys did not "hang around" to get to know us better in an attempt to garner some kind of reliationship, that is actuyally destroying the image of the actuyal open relationship. At best you end up with a willing 3 person relationship, usually it ends up destroying the original relationship.

those where my only rules, and don't worry, she never broke them, i think i was put to the wayside becuase like some toys, you just get bored.... and she wasn't dirty enough to try to delve my "im into anything" personality :D

MarieDelta

Jul 29, 2010, 4:27 PM

I am a member of a poly group we also do kink play.

The rules of the group are as follows.

1. Be safe - You can go out with whomever you like date whomever. But you will always use safer sex measures if they arent fluid bonded with the group.

1.a. No needle (http://www.urbandictionary.com/products.php?term=needle%20play&defid=743382) and or knife play (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Knife+play)unless Sir(Sir is perhaps the most experienced member of our group) approves.

1.b. You will always have a safe call (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=safe%20call)in place if you are seeing someone new for kink play.

2. Be honest with your play partners.

Pretty much those are the limits...

Realist

Jul 29, 2010, 4:48 PM

Certainly, In my view, there should be conversations, decisions, and rules set up before anyone is bought into a relationship. Each person must know what is expected and required, then.....hopefully, there will be no questions, surprises, or hurt feelings, later.

Each couple will probably have different ideas and requirements....... and, if anyone has any strong taboos, everyone must be informed, so they can agree to proceed, or not. What may be a serious issue for one, might be of no concern for someone else, but still there should to be a consensus before beginning.

I've had two long term poly relationships...each of them had different rules agreed upon, beforehand. I've attempted others that did not work out, but those two worked, because the foundation was laid before we began

With careful consideration to develop a happy, fulfilling relationship, there will be rewards for all involved.

Cherokee_Mountaincat

Jul 29, 2010, 5:10 PM

When my ex-bf and I were in the lifestyle together, we had a couple of rules. The most important one was: Always introduce the person we'd be playing with to each other. The rule was that we didnt play with anyone unless they Were introduced first. For instance: if we were at a party and I was going to be playing with a long time lover, I'd tell Jeff, "Hey, I'm going to go romp for a couple of hours with so and so"

2. if it was someone new, I would always take that person, male or female, and make sure he knew who it was. That was my way of safety And respect.

The third one was let each other know where we'd be in case there was some kind of emergency and I/he needed to be gotten ahold of in a hurry.

4. Absolutely no sex without protection. No glovin, no lovin' was and Is always my motto. If a person cant agree to that, then they can stay horny, cuz it aint happenin'. lol

5th and most important one: Be honest with each other at all times. I didnt mind him playing, but No sneaking around. And it was the same for me. If he was on the road and I was going to play, I always told him before I did it.

6. To keep an open honest communication going at All times. If I were going to play with someone and he wasnt comfortable with it, I expected him to Tell me and discuss it with me. And I in turn would do the same. I only complained once, but that was becuz the girl in question never played safe with any of her partners. I didnt want him bringing something unwated home to Me.

I always adhered to these rules and it worked well for us....until he broke the agreements. After that the trust factor was gone, and the relationship fell to the wayside.
Stick to your guns, and always stick to your set rules, Guys and Gals. :}
Cat

yubaspirit

Jul 29, 2010, 5:45 PM

Raven Kaldera has some excellent personal rules listed in his book 'Pagan Polyamory'... check it out, especially if you're on the pagan path.

As for us, our main ones are:

1) Honesty, openness, and integrity

2) No veto power over mates, but if a mate is crazy, then the primary SO may veto them from visiting the house -- so no crazies!

3) Safe sex always, unless we all decide to be polyfi and get fully tested on a regular basis.

4) We must allow for good amounts of loving, quality time with our SO each and every week

We're pretty new to it, but so far it's working.
:three:

Robinium

Jul 29, 2010, 6:09 PM

1 and most important, all males wear condomns during intercourse. Im no fans of STDs lol, and if your having intercourse without wearing protectiong with guys you barely know (or women you barely know) your going to catch somthing sooner or later. This also prevented somone getting her pregnant or me getting somone pregnant (if i had done anything lol)

I miss the STD protection rules for girl-on-girl-actions here. How about fistfucks for example? Or am I thinking too kinky here?

Plus, a condom helps against pregnancy but does not prevent it 100%.

darkeyes

Jul 30, 2010, 3:44 AM

at
Raven Kaldera has some excellent personal rules listed in his book 'Pagan Polyamory'... check it out, especially if you're on the pagan path.

As for us, our main ones are:

1) Honesty, openness, and integrity

2) No veto power over mates, but if a mate is crazy, then the primary SO may veto them from visiting the house -- so no crazies!

3) Safe sex always, unless we all decide to be polyfi and get fully tested on a regular basis.

4) We must allow for good amounts of loving, quality time with our SO each and every week

We're pretty new to it, but so far it's working.
:three:

No veto power ova m8's? Explain... cos 1 thing me wud insist upon is vetoin wetha or not me shags in woteva kinda relationship me wos in.. an at least sum say on who is an is not allowed in me house!!! Now ifya mean who me partner mite b gettin it on wiv.. that me can go 'long wiv...

RockGardener

Jul 30, 2010, 9:41 AM

innaminka

Jul 30, 2010, 8:35 PM

For a variety of reasons, my husband and I had a quasi open relationship for probably the second two thirds of our marriage.

There were a variety of reasons, half reasons and self-denials, including extended periods apart due to work and my bisexuality/lesbianism.

When I came out to him, which was painful for both of us, his rules for my bisex activities, in an unspoke way became the guidelines for both of us.
simply -
*Don't ask - don't tell.
*Don't bring emotional or microbial/viral baggage home with you.

It actually worked, although without a doubt it was a contributor to the end of our marriage.

Doggie_Wood

Jul 31, 2010, 1:28 AM

kcatthegreat

Jul 31, 2010, 5:05 PM

1. I'm only allowed to date other girls, not guys.
2. If I have sex outside of the relationship, I have to get tested for STDs before having sex with him again. He has to do the same.

MarieDelta

Jul 31, 2010, 5:06 PM

Can I join that group? ;)

And mine, too! :tongue:

Doggie :doggie:

You can join us anytime you want , brat!

FredinSJ

Jul 31, 2010, 7:23 PM

Open relationships must have rules, else fools!

BEST T-SHIRT:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"IT ISN'T CHEATING IF MY HUSBAND WATCHES!"
~~~(tit)~~~~~~~~~~~(tit) ~~~~~~~~~

Call us, because we share, not cheat. Cheating can be fatal; sharing is just party fun!

-FredInSJ & partner

sephirothtx

Aug 2, 2010, 8:55 PM

i agree, it dosen't prevent it 100%, in the truth nothing is 100% no matter what the corporations that sell them tell you, i'm sure we all know stories of people that got pregnent on birth controll, from pills to those little rings or other things you stick down there, but 90% protectiong is better than 0%. Lol i did leave out women protection, sorry,

we had those rules too, i just didn't htink of them, such as birth controll (pills usually at our house when we where together) ect....

MarieDelta

Aug 3, 2010, 8:53 AM

Its good to look up Safer sex measures, too. Because there are STI's and other things that get transmited during sex, too. (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/stds-hiv-safer-sex/safer-sex-4263.htm) It helps to be knowledgable about your risks and aware of the consequences of your actions.

SweetKitchyFae

Aug 3, 2010, 9:19 AM

Well I am in a Poly-amorous relationship not really an open one, but we do have our rules.
Of course Safe sex always. Me and my life partner do not have to wear condom when we are with each other. If there is anyone else involved then there has to be condoms worn.

Always use open communication with all partners involved. Honesty is always the best policy.

No one can just invite another into our poly family unless it is fully agreed upon by all involved.

We are fairly new to this but so far have had a wonderful time.

We are also into the lifestyle and that does get included.

I think we have also come to the conclusion that it is best to only involve like minded people into our relationship. We tried with one person who was not poly or kinky and well it did not go over well at all.

We both love being Bi, Poly, Pagan, and KINKY
:grouphug::bibounce:

BI BOYTOY

Aug 4, 2010, 2:45 PM

Hey all , we have an open relationship// poly/kink
1. rule we do not fool around with people with whom their partnerss do not know.
2. safe sex always unless we in an LTR.but stil safty is always in mind.
3. We use safe words.
4.we have alot of comunnication
5. no crazys in the house .

JP1986UM

Aug 4, 2010, 4:33 PM

Ours is similar to many others, but the primary one is that the other partner I choose must be long term oriented, not some simple blow and go. Use of condoms is a must when/if I have sex with them. However, with my spouse we do not use them. I agreed to get tested every 6 months following the establishment of the relationship.

Openness and honesty about what is going on is always a requirement as well.
Details about what I might or might not be doing is not necessary however.

That's up to me.

AsianDream

Aug 4, 2010, 10:27 PM

Many of my Gay Male friends who have long term partners have some sort of “Open Relationship” and rules to go with it. The few times I’ve been in a relationship with another guy it’s always been semi-open.

With my last B/F the rule was that we could have casual sex (always using protection) but not have regular one-on-one sex with anyone else. This is probably easier for Gay male couples as there are lots of places like Gay Saunas (Bathhouses) and Cruising Clubs to go to. We often went to these together, once there - go our separate ways “hunting” and compare notes afterwards.

We did also have regular sessions with another (gay male) couple – these were strictly group sex all together – never going off alone.

I don’t have a partner at the moment – but am in what I’d guess would be called a Poly-amorous relationship – with a good male friend and a female couple who are long term partners. They have had problems before as one of them has a strong liking for men as well and used to met up with two for regular sex. I think the form of “open relationship” the female couple want is one where they can have a more varied sex life – but involving the two of them together.

I think it’s difficult to reconcile people’s desire for sexual variety with a long term partnership – especially as having (good) sex with someone almost always makes you feel a very close bond and liking for them.

I think when I have another long term lover - I wouldn't like them to have a parallel regular relationship with someone else going on. But I guess it's a very individual choice.

Pasadenacpl2

Aug 5, 2010, 2:41 AM

Mrs. Pasa and I have opened up our marriage recently. We started with a few rules, but understood that we would need to revisit those as we became more experienced.

Rule #1: If someone has a problem, they must address it with the other spouse. Festering due to harboring jealousy or other issues is no good for us. Sometimes this means that I or she will see that there's a problem, and force the other to open up.

Rule #2: Our marriage comes first. Period. If either of us starts spending more time or attention on someone else, we have established ways of saying "hey, remember me?" without it being confrontational. The thrill of a new relationship can get heady, so it's an easy thing not to realize. We both know this, and when we say "hey" the other makes sure to refocus on us for a bit without getting upset at the person who called them on it.

Rule #3: If you won't do it at home, you don't do it for someone else. I know this sounds simple, but it avoids some pretty serious pittfalls. This doesn't mean you can't do new things. It means that you don't say no to your spouse and then do that thing for your FWB.

Rule #4: You will say where you are going, and how to reach you. And you will not get mad if a safety check phone call is made. Especially since I'm into kink and that can mean that safety is a concern, this is a rule and we abide by it because we don't want to take any risks about losing each other.

Rule #5: Unless the person is fluid bound to us, condoms will be used. We've said no several times to guys who had one story or another about why they can't/won't use condoms. Our lives and what we provide for our children are too important to us. We're not compromising so you can have a bit more sensation or because you are allergic to latex. If we do find someone who will be fluid bound to us, cream pies will abound. ;)

Rule #6: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION. I cannot stress this enough. They should write a book on it. Oh, wait, they did!. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. http://www.openingup.net/ I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is considering a poly relationship.

Rule #7: It is perfectly acceptable to say: "Seemed like a good idea at the time." and request that we reexamine a rule or limits or what we feel comfortable. Be prepared to have your partner ask probing (and often uncomfortable) questions about why you have changed your mind. Simple jealousy is 'not' a reason to change something. But investigating what is REALLY causing the jealousy will happen. This often reveals that the problem is not what you started out talking about in the first place. This can be hard, but my marriage to Mrs. Pasa is better by a huge margin because of it.

Pasa

PS: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION

bipolyboise

Aug 7, 2010, 4:34 PM

Well with the Poly in my name, I guess that gives it away that i am poly.

I think boundaries and communication are arguably even more important in a poly or open relationship. You can still have cheating in those kind of relationships, when the boundaries and communication are not honored.

Here is an interesting article
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/03/negotiated.infidelity/index.html

While I have identified as Poly for years, its only somewhat recently that I have realized that I am somewhat bi, and have wanted to explore that more. I would enjoy meeting a bi poly couple, or a bi poly woman to be open with

Biboz49

Aug 8, 2010, 10:21 AM

We have an open relationship but rarely meet others separately or together. But having the freedom to do so if we want to is very helpful for our relationship because we don't have to hide anything from each other. Our rules:
1. no cheating or hiding anything from each other about who we are meeting
2. always let the other know who we intend to meet
3. always safe sex
4. we do not meet someone who is cheating on a spouse or SO
5. no overnight stays
6. our priority is to each other
7. communication communication communication