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  1. #1

    To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
    To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?


    By Stephanie Creede

    Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

    Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

    These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

    While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

    Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

    There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

    So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

    Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

    By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

    This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

    It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

    In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

    The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

    Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

    In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

    Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

    Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

    Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
    A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

    By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

    As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

    While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

    However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

    Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

    (c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

    Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.
    Last edited by Drew; Aug 17, 2006 at 1:11 PM.

  2. #2

    Smile Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Great Article!!!

    I decided to come out in so much as I have finally accepted who I am. That's what it meant for me - that I stopped lying to myself, and in turn had to stop lying to everyone else.

    It was a cleansing. A purging of the self-hatred and denial I had inflicted on myself for so long.

    I'm not screaming it from the rooftops, Im just being me now.

    The article has many valid oints I have witnessed and even experienced first hand, especially the assumptions other people may make and society's expectations.

    Good Job!
    I believe that all mammals are inherently bisexual to one degree or another. Many of the greatest learned cultures in history accepted it. So... When did it suddenly become so wrong?


    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Midsouth_Bisexual_Guys_Support_Group/

  3. #3
    Azrael
    Guest

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Wonderful article indeed. I came out because I was sick of living a double life, having no idea how difficult my single life being out would be. I didn't lose any friends, but some were pretty insensitive about how they handled it. One family member told me "this is a dangerous life you're choosing". In spite of all this, I feel better about me for it. I think my family took the whole thing out of context because I was psychiatrically hospitalized right after coming out, leading them to think, "this must be why he's screwed up in the head" or something like that. So what? They're not the ones that have to live with this. As jedinudist said, it was a great purging process of all my self hatred, shame all the screwed up energy I had let build up within me. Since then, things are hardly peachy but they could be a hell of a lot worse.

  4. #4

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I love it.

    especially this: " there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship."

    It really is a fiction; i glad you called it that.
    I don't know of any heterosexual who would keep it a secret
    that they are attracted to, and date, the opposite sex
    .

    So why should I
    keep my orientation

    secret?

  5. #5

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Great article. I especially appreciated this part:

    By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.
    I'd like to take it a step further... WARNING: I am about to blather on.

    Perhaps as bisexuals (or--more likely--as complex people), the "nuclear family" life just isn't right for all of us.

    I grew up assuming that I'd either never marry (my preference) or I'd marry a man and we'd eventually get a nice little house with two dogs in the yard (but no kids--that's where I draw the line ). However, as I grew and discovered myself and my deeper sensibilities, the nuclear lifestyle came to seem infinitely stifling and constricting to my feelings.

    Yes, it would be nice to be loved more than anything by one person. For some, that's the ultimate goal in life. But deep down, for many others, it just isn't so. Maybe love on that level isn't necessary for all of us. Or maybe some of us would like to be loved that way by more than one person.

    Society tells us that this isn't possible. Society tells us that polyamory and alternate lifestyles are unacceptable. And society does its best to keep us believing that. Maybe that's why we hear of so many problems with romantic relationships involving more than two people. We're taught to expect certain things from others. We're taught to believe that there's no other way. It's amazing how programmed we are; how much we just assume. And it's amazing how much our outlooks can change if we reach inside of ourselves and question everything we've come to believe.

    I don't believe that weaving our lives to fit the nuclear model (regardless of what gender we choose to be with) is what really spells acceptance. For those who truly want it, I say, go for it! But for the rest of us? We should be able to choose from an infinite number of lifestyles, because human emotions are so infinitely deep and changing. And not until we are accepted--not because of our lifestyles, but because we're all worthy of acceptance--will we truly have come into this world. As friends. As lovers. As bisexuals. As people.

    Ahh... That smells like liberation.
    Last edited by EludedSunshine; Aug 18, 2006 at 1:55 AM. Reason: FRIGGIN' SMILIES, ARGH
    How delicate her feet who shuns the ground, stepping a-tiptoe on the heads of men.
    ~Homer

    arifureta nichijou kara issou tobifurite shimaitai kurai

  6. #6

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    The article and responses are so darn encouraging for this bi who has been hiding for 35 years. Damn our cultural expectations of "acceptable" sexual orientation/behavior. Of course it did not help matters growing up in a right-wing, church going, midwestern farm family with absolutely NO exposure to anything other than the June and Ward Cleaver lifestyle. Since admitting this to my therapist and my husband I have felt some freedom. lson625

  7. #7

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I first started telling people I was bisexual back in the 70s. Often, they simply didn't believe me - which seems pretty strange now. I guess they didn't believe me because I had only had boyfriends. Girlfriends seemed a bit of a fantasy at that point. Later, lesbians would imply that I was really one of them, but couldn't hack the oppression. All nonsense.
    One of the things about being out as bi is that you have to keep on telling people. It's not as simple as people seeing you with a same-sex partner and thinking, "hey, she's a lesbian". I have had a male partner for years but I do talk about my feelings for and past relationships with women to anyone who might be remotely interested!
    I think it's really important to be out if you can be, because for so very many people, it simply isn't on the cards. And for other people to know that bisexuality is not just possible, but actually great, they have to know that other bisexuals are out there.

    Sue

    Bisexuality and beyond

  8. #8

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I just think the whole idea that you have to come out to everyone is bullocks. I'm an adult my family doesn't know I'm bi nor do I think it is important for them to know. But I do know I'm bi and in my mind that is all that really matters.

  9. #9

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Excellent article! For those of us who can come out it helps all of us in the long run. I came out to my ex 2 1/2 yrs before getting married. She always held it against me. When we seperated she outed me to my family. It didn't matter to my parents or my three sisters, and I thought my brother felt the same. Years later when my mom passed away he turned against me in every way. We never got along growing up and when I went in the Army and afterwards I thought all was well. Just a truce apparently. I'm not out to anybody else.

    I told my wife when we first met and she turned out to be bi-curious.

    Now for me to ramble. I am also out as a witch to family, freinds and coworkers, including a born again I work with, and we get along.

    I also a crossdresser and not out with that. I like to go out in public in a skirt away from home and eventually want to come out completely with it, but that is yrs away. I wear women's jeans and t-shirts and people don't know. With all these things, the more people who can come out and do it, the more acceptable they will become, eventually. Us men who prefer skirts are like women were when they wanted to do the "horrible" thing of wearing pants.

    I also like being submissive to my wife. I wouldn't mind that being out there someday, but that may never become socially acceptable.

    Once again, excellent article.

    bisubbie

  10. #10

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    What is the point? If you can accept who you are, truly accept who you are, then offering the world information about who you are will not matter. However, If you are self-loathing and in dire need of acceptance, then go ahead. One of two things will occur. 1. people will accept you, 2 people will not accept you. It is always 50/50. What matters to you most?I would like to think that people(meaning you) would be more interested in being accepted for who they are removed from overt sexuality. male/female or other whatever you classify yourself as, why lose countless nights of sleep considering how you are seen?
    Wake up, go to sleep, eat, wash, talk, laugh cry etc... most everybody will do that, so, what sets you apart from others? it is your own self worth.

    The only people who really need to know your sexual identity is
    yourself and your current or future partner. However telling your current partner husband wife spouse commonlaw etc.. may only be easy if they too have the same tendencies as you. If you both have the same feelings about sexuality and self-identity, you may find the relationship to be a much more supportive mechanism to both of you.

    Just be considerate of others and don't be so concerned about others knowing the real you.

    You want to tell the world? go ahead you want to say nothing, then don't
    do not let people tell you to say or not to say.... most people come and go in your life so don't sweat it. After all, you have to live with who you are the rest of your life.
    shiveringman

  11. #11

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Very good article. I don't know why people are always trying to place every one into a box. For years I thought of myself as totally gay, but as I gotten older I felt the need to have women in my life. This does not set well with many folks who are always trying to place me into a box. Why should someone just limited themselves. If the truth be know, I think that there are more bisexual people than anything else.

  12. #12

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    OK, I'm gonna come out as devil's advocate here. Hetero is the norm, the default setting. No one comes out as straight, or has to. And no one has to come out as gay if they don't want to, either. Nor should they. Coming out is a statement about yourself, made to clear the air, but also made to yourself. If you're gay people will know it, maybe even before you do. Being gay is not the same as dabbling, exploring, accidentally going too far, being forced, or any of those things that happen sometimes. It's an acceptance of a different orientation that neccessitates a self-definition: "'I'm one who swims against the tide." It can be liberating or harmful to the individual, and it can also be very destructive to their relationships, & the people who love them. it's a vote for a different kind of emotional connection, and one that forces everyone to visualize a specific & different set of sex acts. It's also define yourself around the way you fuck. Heterosexuality doesn't do that. But becasue to the person coming out, it's as much about the emotional connection, they want people to understand that its' the heart that needs to connect to another of the same gender, not just genitals. But still the traditional values of love, commitment, connection & monogamy apply.
    What are you saying when you come our as bisexual? First thing, the one that bothers everyone, straight & gay: "I want sex with a lot of partners." I mean, bisexual, you gotta have at least two, right? Second thing: "I don't want to commit to anyone." You said you NEED a man and a woman, so when you're with either one, you're missing the other. Third thing:"I like or need gay sex, but I'm not gay." So you're willing to play in the relative safety & marginal acceptance that gays have fought for, but without even a tip of the hat to their lifelong sacrifice. Fourth: "I want gay sex, but not with gay people." Isn't that the assumption? How many girls are 99% queer, fucking & relating only to women, but claiming I'm bi, not gay, because lesbians all have bad haircuts? Well, you get the idea.

  13. #13

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by miamiuu
    I just think the whole idea that you have to come out to everyone is bullocks. I'm an adult my family doesn't know I'm bi nor do I think it is important for them to know. But I do know I'm bi and in my mind that is all that really matters.
    That kinda is where I stand at this point in my life. I am living my life for my God and myself, not for my parents or friends. Knowing yourself is alot more important than knowing you've made someone happy.

    *TM*
    You can't change the way I am. . .are you strong enough to be my man?
    --Sheryl Crow

    Protect your unicorn!!

    Pssst! There's naked men ------------->Here!


    آزادی راست کاملاموجودات ذی شعوراست


    Thank you. . .

  14. #14

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Great piece, little sis... one of the things about "coming out as bi" that I think is important is that it helps people to do two key things: recognize that sexuality can be *fluid* (after 14+ years in a relationship with a woman, I'm now mostly dating guys; do I know where I'll be in a decade?); and it also reinforces the point that sometimes sexual orientation IS a choice, and dammit, it's one we're free to make. I'm not a big fan of the argument for rights that based solely on the "we can't help being made this way" line of thinking -- sure, that's true for lots of people, gay, straight and squiggly, but that's beside the point, for me -- no one else gets to tell me what's acceptable or not in who I love and lust after because of their particular strictures.

  15. #15

    Smile Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by shiver
    What is the point? If you can accept who you are, truly accept who you are, then offering the world information about who you are will not matter. However, If you are self-loathing and in dire need of acceptance, then go ahead. One of two things will occur. 1. people will accept you, 2 people will not accept you. It is always 50/50. What matters to you most?I would like to think that people(meaning you) would be more interested in being accepted for who they are removed from overt sexuality. male/female or other whatever you classify yourself as, why lose countless nights of sleep considering how you are seen?
    Wake up, go to sleep, eat, wash, talk, laugh cry etc... most everybody will do that, so, what sets you apart from others? it is your own self worth.

    The only people who really need to know your sexual identity is
    yourself and your current or future partner. However telling your current partner husband wife spouse commonlaw etc.. may only be easy if they too have the same tendencies as you. If you both have the same feelings about sexuality and self-identity, you may find the relationship to be a much more supportive mechanism to both of you.

    Just be considerate of others and don't be so concerned about others knowing the real you.

    You want to tell the world? go ahead you want to say nothing, then don't
    do not let people tell you to say or not to say.... most people come and go in your life so don't sweat it. After all, you have to live with who you are the rest of your life.
    What shiver said.
    The article was a good read,I do wish that we were not in the grey area and could be accepted by at least the gay/les community.It gets me angry when they say im gay,damm fags lol..
    BIGREGORY
    BI and loving it

  16. #16
    chameleon
    Guest

    Smile Straddling fences and identities

    As someone who does not identify as bisexual but a) sleeps with and dates women and b) sleeps with but does not date men, I'm living proof of the variety of meanings comprised under the label of 'bisexuality'. And I'm out to everyone about my sexuality (except my parents, but that's another story). Dating women can be tricky at times, unless they are also bisexual in some way. Then there is the added complication of my choice to be non-monogamous (not poly - yes, there's another story there, too).

    In any case, sexuality has proven to be a lot more fluid and changeable in my life - especially in the past ten years - than I ever expected. I have also watched lovers and friends go through a similar process. I don't know if I am bisexual or not, and what this means to any other given individual, but I do know that I am always being true to myself and honest with others about the way I choose to live and love and build sexual connections. As for my loved ones, the objects of their love, affection and desire are utterly irrelevant to me. They are part of my chosen tribe and I wish for their happiness, however they choose to define it.

  17. #17

    Thumbs up Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I say to come out and enjoy it, don't try to hide it as your only hurting yourself, come out and enjoy

  18. #18

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Always be ture to yourself . I new that the age of 9 i was bi. And i like it ' Saying out loud that im bisexual may me feel great about my self
    Always be true to yourself

  19. #19

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Bravo to those of you brave enough to 'come out'. I never will, none of my friends or family would understand at all. Plus I am bi, not truly gay, so why bother? I did try telling my last gf about it, because I had lost interest in sex temporarily. I thought for sure she would at least understand and try to snap me out of it with a good twat lock. But she didn't understand and it was a train wreck boyos, so keep your lips zipped and your fly unzipped. Some things are better left unsaid.

  20. #20

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I can't believe I wrote that. I am sorry if I offended anyone by the line "I am bi, not truly gay" like being bi is somehow better than being gay. To tell you the truth I would rather be totally straight or totally gay, than bi. It would really simplify things. Sorry for my choice of words all.

  21. #21

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Stillconfused. I read your 'truly gay' as meaning 'exclusively gay', and your statement as descriptive rather than value-laden.

  22. #22

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    heres my on the subject: in a world where all is not accepted i would come out to only who mattered to me, not wanting a lie to destroy what i cherish also to others who are like minded and to others who ask i would not lie but if felt threatened just wouldent answer or change the subject. there lies the old saying none-ya. i would keep it on a need to know bases and some just don't need to know. wife husband and lovers should know. but then this is only my opinion.
    peace and blessings >

  23. #23

    Exclamation Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I felt I *needed* to come out to absolutely everybody in my life about being a lesbian, so I did, although it took me decades to finally tell a few people in particular. I no sooner finished the process than I realized that I am *really* bi. Am I going to put everybody through my coming out *again*? No. I don't think so. I am not going to live a lie, but I don't think I need to scream anything from the housetops any more either, because I am not trying to convince *myself* of anything any more. That is just me, and where I am at today. Tomorrow I may be different, or may feel differently. I reserve that right. Anybody I consider getting involved with sexually or romantically will know, and I have told some friends and even some relative strangers, but I don't think I am going to feel compelled to tell everybody in my life. Oh, and I'm done with monogamy, too.

  24. #24

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by calas
    I felt I *needed* to come out to absolutely everybody in my life about being a lesbian, so I did, although it took me decades to finally tell a few people in particular. I no sooner finished the process than I realized that I am *really* bi. Am I going to put everybody through my coming out *again*? No. I don't think so. I am not going to live a lie, but I don't think I need to scream anything from the housetops any more either, because I am not trying to convince *myself* of anything any more. That is just me, and where I am at today. Tomorrow I may be different, or may feel differently. I reserve that right. Anybody I consider getting involved with sexually or romantically will know, and I have told some friends and even some relative strangers, but I don't think I am going to feel compelled to tell everybody in my life. Oh, and I'm done with monogamy, too.
    Sorry, I keep forgetting to sign...

    Cala S

  25. #25

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I recently came out to someone who only knew me vaguely. I was worried that she might reject me for it, but she didnt. I was relieved when I finally did so

  26. #26

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Excellent article. Coming out can, it seems to me, be an intensely personal decision. I'm personally out to maybe a dozen people, perhaps right around half of those are guys I've varying degrees of sexual relations with, and most of the rest are close friends but I'm not really out to my family yet. Maybe I'll come to them one day, maybe I won't. As at least one of the other comments seemed to suggest, the most important thing is being out to yourself.

  27. #27

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew
    One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
    To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?


    By Stephanie Creede

    Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

    Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

    These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

    While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

    Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

    There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

    So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

    Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

    By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

    This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

    It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

    In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

    The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

    Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

    In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

    Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

    Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

    Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
    A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

    By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

    As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

    While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

    However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

    Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

    (c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

    Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.
    WOW that was long. to address your question, you don't need to unless you want to actively have long term relationship with a member of the same sex. In the end it is what you feel is best. Though straight people don't come out that theyre straight.

  28. #28

    Lightbulb Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    A great article, i found my bi-side out when i was in high school but never dare did tell anyone, i grew up in a village of "normal" what ever that was at the time, as i grew older i became more of a recluse with my own sexuality and did the "norm" by dating guys which was fine as that is where my main preference lays, i could only explore my other side when i used to go clubbing, the happy ending for me was when i did reveal to my friends my sexuality, most of them accepted it with no worries (i found out one of them in the same position as me) but one in particular did not accept this at all (all because of social up-bringing) but the main person was my husband he was fully supportive of my feelings, and no when i now go out with the girls he doesn't get worried about me cheating because like everyone else i don't have an illness i'm bisexual and if i were to cheat it would be because i'm unfaithfull not because of my sexuality, my parents still don't know my sexuality but that is my choice and i respect and know myself enough that my parents nor my children need to know this at this particualr time in our lives, as long as i and may others out there have respect for themselves we don't need to be shouting it from the rooftops unless we have to.

    Take care to all - bi,gay and straight.
    with

  29. #29

    Smile Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I feel we do not have to shout anything from any rooftop. Our feelings are our own and we do have to consider our loved ones, family and children. As long as we are honest with ourselves and do not harm others, what we do is our business. It took me years to realize who I am. First I tried a straight relationship and felt I was missing out on a part of myself. Then I tried a gay one and felt left out. In the end I realized I cannot strap on a label or a lifestyle because I was only lying to myself. I finally found someone who understands me, feels the same way I do and we our honest with each other. It finally works. Yes, sometimes it is very complicated keeping everything "straight" (pun) but we are life partners with family on each side, each has children and we neither include them in our intimate life nor we hurt them in any way but still manage to be honest and happy. Unfortunately nobody knows our true inclinations, that is way too much for people to understand, approve or participate. We do not sleep around or have casual sex. We carefully select our partners and keep a relationship and we are as honest with them as they can possibly accept. To each other we are open and we do not cheat. Our definition of cheating is our own considering our sex life. We have a code and we honor it and it has worked out. Life is hard enough and we deserve to be happy.
    Last edited by misspuertorico; May 18, 2007 at 10:16 AM.

  30. #30

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I was in the military so don't ask, don't tell ran my life for a very long time. I "blended" got married (though I actually don't advocate marriage unless you have kids) got out of the military and continued to work for the government I am out to friends and some coworkers but it is still easier to not "rub their noses in it" to keep my job and support my expanded (now we have a girlfriend) family. I hope that when I retire I can plaster "bi" stickers to my car and maybe rub some noses in it but for right now there is no way.


 

 

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